I’m pretty sure the Zombie Apocalypse will start with the undead infiltrating our homes . . . as elves on our shelves.
If you don’t know what this toy is (besides an invention that’s made somebody wealthy), it’s a creepy-looking elf that “spies” on your child during the day, “reports” back to Santa while your child is sleeping, and then “moves” to a different location in the middle of the night.
Personally, I thought using Santa as a threat was enough to skew behaviour for the short-term. Then along came this Orwellian toy.
I know it’s hard to kill zombies, but what about sinister elves?
I posed this question to my family over breakfast this morning. I recorded their methods in order as they shouted out murderous suggestions between bites of Cheerios.
(If you’re new to my blog, here’s a legend: Chris = husband, Will = 9yo son, Vivian = 9yo daughter.)
Here are 13 ways to destroy an Elf on the Shelf:
- Recycle it with the kids’ art, crafts, and science projects (Me)
- Toss it in a garbage bag, tape the bag to an exhaust pipe, and let the minivan idle (Chris)
- Drown it in a river (Will)
- Throw it into a wood chipper (Will)
- Shove it head first down a garburator (Chris)
- Take it to a flea market, and let it talk to people (Chris)
- Take it to a family reunion (Chris)
- Take it to a cocktail party (Chris)
- Dress it up like a tree and put it near your neighbour’s yard* (Chris)
- Put it on a high shelf and hope it jumps (Vivian)
- Throw it into a chimney and wait for Santa (Vivian)
- Show it Rob Ford videos (Chris)
- Taser it (Will)
* Our neighbour “may” have cut down two of our six-foot-tall saplings while we were out of town because they were taking energy away from his trees…
What other ways could we resist an Elf Invasion?
How could we slay these sinister creatures?
As always, humour and hyperbole are welcome.