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Send Your Child Scavenging . . . in the Dictionary

Alternate Title: Messing with Your Child’s Mind

It’s Saturday night. Vivian has discovered the dictionary. She wants words to look up. I suggest clever.

She looks it up, reads the definition, and smiles.

My husband suggests geek, which isn’t in there. He throws out its slightly more popular cousin, nerd.

A few words later, Vivian runs back to me.

I’m styling my hair because I’m going out. This is as common as Snooki playing Scrabble and making a five-letter word.

“Mom, give me a word to look up.”

“Sarcastic.”

“I’ve heard that one before,” Vivian says.

I turn the hair dryer back on.

Two minutes later, Vivian is back. I’m wielding a mascara wand, trying to keep from stabbing myself in the eye. Since it’s no longer Halloween, going out as Cyclops isn’t a splendid option.

“Another word, Mom!”

I look at my watch. It’s approaching 8 o’clock, her bedtime.

“How about slumber?”

Vivian rifles through the dictionary. “It says to sleep.”

I smile.

“Another one.”

Vivian follows me into the bedroom, where I’m searching for my black boots.

“I’ll give you one last word,” I say, “but you have to look it up in your bed.”

“Okay.”

“Obedience.”

“Can you tell me the first four letters?” Vivian asks.

“O-b-e-d.”

I zip up my boots and say goodbye to my husband, who’s flicking through the sports listings, seeing which college game is on.

I’m in the hallway when I hear a yell. “Mom! That’s not funny!”

Vivian runs out of her room, open dictionary in hand. “I will not listen to everything you say. You want me to go to sleep, don’t you? That’s why you gave me slumber and then obedience?”

Yes, my dear one, it is. Clever.

What words would you suggest the kids in your life look up?

**

Also, please head over to Thoughts Appear’s blog, where I reveal what chick-flick Mr. Pittsburgh himself (Clay Morgan) has to watch because he lost a bet to Thoughtsy when the Ravens beat the Steelers last weekend. This makes me happy.

Filed Under: Hilarious Family Moments Tagged With: family, funny, funny mom, humor, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, parenting, twins

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lori Dyan says

    November 14, 2011 at 5:28 am

    My 8-year-old son is already looking up the classics: fart, booger, bum, boobs, penis, etc. #mommyissoproud

    Reply
  2. JM Randolph says

    November 14, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Brilliant. I love that she’s asking you for words to look up. We have a giant dictionary (high school graduation gift to me from my dad) on the side table in the living room and the kids prefer to ask what words mean than look them up. I say, “Look it up!” and they say, “Eff-ort!”

    Reply
  3. randomlychad says

    November 14, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Yoda says, “Clever this post was, yes.”

    As for looking words up, obedience is a good jumping off point. From there, my kids could move onto silence, introversion, jangled, nerves, and catatonia. For a start. After we have: eaten dinner, cleaned up, discussed our days, showered, gotten ready for bed, had Bible time (and prayer), and the five year-old has been tucked in, it’s time for the offspring to contemplate (which is a good one to look up) all possible meanings of the phrase “Leave mom and dad alone.” Or suffer the consequences.

    Reply
  4. educlaytion says

    November 14, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Also try mute.

    I bet Will would bring out the dictionaries to make towers for some monsters or cars. Maybe you should have her look up sibling. Then ironic.

    Reply
  5. Ellie says

    November 14, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Vivian should look up jocularity and hilarity because that’s what I always find at her Mom’s site.
    LOVE this! =)

    Reply
  6. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson says

    November 14, 2011 at 8:17 am

    With Tech Support at age 12, I’d have him look up “puberty.” And “menstruation.”

    But he’d just Google them in two seconds. And then I’d get the eye-roll.

    I’m so glad that Vivian has inherited your Super-Powers. 😉

    Reply
  7. thoughtsappear says

    November 14, 2011 at 9:19 am

    I definitely think obedience was a good choice. Maybe quiet?

    Reply
  8. Catherine Johnson says

    November 14, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Very clever! I’m going to start that game here. Let me think … ‘listen’ would be a good one 🙂 or ‘now’

    Reply
  9. Redneckprincess says

    November 14, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Ha!!! Awesome post 🙂 I wish I had thought of that…

    Reply
  10. Elena Aitken says

    November 14, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Awesome post. I think this morning I would have them look up ‘quiet’ and ‘sleep’ since it’s a day off school and they were up WAY too early and made sure I knew it.

    Reply
  11. Tameri Etherton says

    November 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

    That’s so awesome! I love it when we get to mess with our kids.

    Reply
  12. Marianne says

    November 14, 2011 at 11:38 am

    For their own survival… “order” and “pizza”

    Reply
  13. Marlene says

    November 14, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Wonderful words like ‘responsibility’ and ‘privileges’ come to mind. Then there’s always ‘respect’. Can you tell I have a teenager? And yes, he too, prefers to use the electronic dictionary…sigh. Although occasionally we do force him and his brother to use the paper version of both dictionary and atlas. That’s another book that needs a dusting off sometimes. 🙂

    Reply
  14. kristinherdy says

    November 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    We were in a rush the other day (when are we not?) and Wendy told me we couldn’t leave the house until she’d written something clever. I asked what clever thing she wanted to write, and, after a pause, she asked, “Mom, how do you spell clever?”

    I want my children to look up “fortitude” and “unperturbed” because whining is rampant just now

    Reply
  15. Kim Wilson says

    November 14, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Priceless! 🙂

    Reply
  16. susielindau says

    November 15, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Too funny! Loved it. My son turns 22 today and my daughter will be 20 so I would have them look up perseverance just to give them an atta boy going into finals! They are both pretty hard workers…. ; ) Great post!

    Reply
  17. Larry Hehn says

    November 16, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    I usually suggest my all-time favorite: phlegm.
    “No really, kids, it’s in there. Keep looking.
    No, I’m not going to tell you how to spell it… “

    Reply
  18. Rebecca says

    November 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Not sure I can beat “obedient” for single words my 7-year old should know. If only there was one word for “Clean up all the freakin’ thousands of Legos scattered over the entire house NOW!”

    Great post.

    Reply
  19. Annie says

    November 19, 2011 at 7:36 am

    My 6-year-old really needs to review “obedient”. He seems to think he knows enough to move out and get his own place. He’s something else.

    Reply
  20. The Hook says

    November 23, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    1. ORGANIZATION.
    2. RESPONSIBILITY.
    That’s about it for now! As long as she cleans her room and stops picking on me so much, I’ll be one happy Hook!

    Reply

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