This parenting thing baffles me. Generally I’m so lost in a labyrinth of fuzz that I don’t even bother to think about it. But today, I’ll wander back in.
In many ways, I don’t have high expectations for my twins. I don’t expect (or want) them to be the top of the class, famous actors, or even Olympic athletes, although I have fleeting moments when I feel like pushing them down an icy luge track, with or without the sled. More than anything I want them to be normal, or (do I dare say it?) average.
I think my own perfectionist tendencies fell off the cliff when I was pregnant. It was not an easy pregnancy – two bouts of mandatory bedrest in a foreign country, far from my own mom. After the first crisis (bleeding at nine weeks), I panicked. When our Thai doctor did the scan, I just wanted him to say the word “normal.” Or, as he said in his accented English, “Nor-MAALL” (to get the approximate punctuation, it rhymes with “Sore-GAL”).
Every appointment from that point on, I would come armed with a paranoid woman’s list of concerns and he would gratefully answer, “Nor-MAALL, completely Nor-MAALL”.
Later, my husband would imitate me, “Doctor, I’ve grown a third eye and there are mushrooms sprouting from my ears.” “No worries,” my husband would continue his impression, “it’s Nor-MAALL.”
It was then, during those stressful months, that my husband and I hung up our Going-for-Gold armchair parenting mentality and switched to something more lackluster. We weren’t planning to Own the Podium; we were hoping to cross the finish line.
Thankfully, we did. William and Vivian were born with Apgar scores that were good enough.
Now, nearly six years later, I still try to retain this Ode to Nor-MAALL. It’s hard, though. The current parenting culture seems to pressure parents to schedule their kids with activities that would rival the agenda of a CEO. It’s confusing, though, because in striving for Nor-MAALL I don’t want to raise underachieving kids who don’t have the confidence to push themselves.
What do you think? How hard do you push your children?
Love this. I totally agree. I’m an typical overachiever (10 years of post-secondary, scholarships etc blah blah blah) and I don’t think it’s anything to brag about. So many overachievers around me are exhausted, stressed and still going. As a pharmacist I also see my fair share of valium and sleeping pill addictions among overachievers.
My mom’s always told me I’m my own worst enemy and that I’ve been an overachiever since birth, and she never meant it as a compliment. Our conversations usually went something like this:
Her: “Are you sure you don’t want to just take a break?”.
Me: “No, it’s just 2 more years and then I’ll have [fill in degree here]”.
So, yes, for my kids I think average is totally fine and perhaps better – as long as they’re happy. But the other side of it is that it may be out of our hands – they may just be overachievers naturally and perhaps it’s up to us to support if they are.
Yes, “as long as they’re happy.” When it comes down to it, that’s what we want, isn’t it? And you’re right, a kazillion degrees doesn’t guarantee that (although it lessens the chance they’ll be living in my basement when they’re thirty-six).
Good post and a tricky question! I think for my kids (who are still young), I judge by how they act when I’m not around. I push them to do new things but I watch them when they’re not looking. (Yes, that was me you saw hiding in the bushes at the ski hill.) If they’re whiny with me, well, ‘suck it up, princess’, but if they’re tentative, tired, or scared around a teacher then I know that it’s too much for them.
How much do I schedule? Trying for two things a session. Enough to get them doing things but not too many that I’m going insane driving them everywhere.
I love the hide-in-the-bushes thing. It might bring out my inner stalker, which is dying to come out of the closet! Your point about them being stressed out with others is a great one…one I’d never thought of. So thanks!
I’ve been thinking about this, too. A few kids from my son’s nursery school are registered at the local alternative school and I’m trying to figure out why that just doesn’t sit right for me. I think maybe you’ve nailed it — I want my kids to have normal, average childhoods, not special/superior/alternative childhoods. Having said that, don’t we still want them to occupy the top level of normal? Like, maybe not Olympic gold, but definitely making the starting line of their high school team.
I think you got at my confusion. I do want my kids to excel at something…but I think 5 is too young. The thing that annoys me most about our current culture (compared to the 70s when I grew up) is that kids seem to have to choose their sport early and compete in it all year. Gone are the “play hockey in the winter, baseball in the summer” days.
I totally agree with this. I think so many people push their kids tooo hard. It’s like an ultimate quest to make their kids the smartest, strongest and most successful. And I think when this happens it’s not really about the kids anymore- it is someway to fulfill something in their own lives.
I think you find the balance by supporting them to do what they are most interested in (rather then getting them involved in everything) and by helping them gain confidence by letting them both succeed and fail. Cheer them on when they succeed and help them know that when they ‘fail’ they haven’t really ‘failed’ they just need to try again next time. This will be my goal as my daughter grows.
I love your point about failure. It’s ultimately how we learn everything (from walking to math). Thanks for commenting.
Define normal.I am asking this as I plan to give another try today to being able to be in two places at the same time today, as my daughter WANTS to do it all, no pushing required. So I provide vitamins, extra iron, high-protein snacks, as well as moral support after lost basketball games.Is it normal to have a guitar lesson at lunch between classes, a basketball practice after school and then a track and field practice? It is for us, and my daughter loves all the activities.
With smaller kids the question is how do you know what your child is interested in if they are not exposed to enough things to be able to tell? Also, I have seen a lot of kids who started many activuities and quit when consistent effort was required because they “were not interested any more”. The lesson about commitment and effort was not learned. I don’t have all the answers, and the answer is going to be different for each child and for each family. But I like this discussion. Good luck to everyone with all the activities. May your children be happy and fulfilled with whatever they will end up doing.
I think that’s a great point…to let the kids choose to push themselves and for us to expose them to some things when they’re little. Stick-with-it-ness is important, too. As a (former?)overachiever, I know that trait was all due to my personality and not due to my parents pushing. My parents rarely went to basketball games, and I was okay with that. It gave me independence.
I admit I struggle with this. I want to let my kids grow into whoever they are going to be, but as you say, the pressure to excel is almost overwhelming. The kids (thankfully) don’t seem to feel it, but their father & I do. We take turns talking each other off the ledge.
The ledge image is right on. I am glad we’re not alone in this struggle! Thanks for commenting.
I am so tired of being looked down on because my 3 children are only ever enrolled in 1 or 2 activities at a time. When you think of that it can be up to 6 activities!! No I didn’t start my son in hockey at age 4(he doesn’t like hockey) and at 7 he still doesn’t want to play! SO WHAT! It doesn’t mean I am any less of a mom and it doesn’t mean my kids aren’t as smart or as wonderful as everyone else’s. I have been told what polite, interesting and caring children I have by friends, teachers and strangers alike! I must be doing something right. Unlike lots of the little robots out there my children also know how to entertain themselves. They know how to do cat’s cradle( a game with string) or how to play hide and seek or capture the flag. They have had the opportunity to just be kids! Play with other kids and play outside. I see kids all the time that are over scheduled and burnt out by the time they turn 8!!
I think that makes you a Nor-MAALL parent. It’s those other parents that have the problem. I think what you’ll find is that you’re allowing their natural tendencies to shine and they’ll end up doing something they love to do instead of 20 things you forced them to do. And they’ll be good at it because they LOVE it!
Shooting for “good enough” Done!