Sometimes I think sitting down as a family at dinner is overrated. At least for the mother. I miss my university days of having a bagel and Sunchips in front of the TV with my roommate while watching Jeopardy and reruns of The Muppets.
Now, in our Lego filled house, dinner table conversations sometimes seem like a script written for Henson’s furry creatures. Or maybe for frat boys.
Here is the scene that unfolded over burgers and salad last week, moments after Vivian did an elaborate pantomime to inform me that I had lettuce stuck between my teeth.
William was taking apart his burger so that he could eat the bun with ketchup and chase it down with a slab of ground beef. As he does whenever he’s happy, he hummed.
“William,” my husband said, “stop humming.”
William looked up from his ketchup fest. “Dad, why don’t you like humming?”
“It’s not that I don’t like humming,” he explained. “I just don’t like it at the dinner table.”
Three sentences had been uttered so Vivian was overdue for a contribution. “Birds sing while they’re eating,” she said.
It was a logical comparison. Even insightful. But for some reason I said this:
My husband looked up from his burger and offered a warning. “Vivian, watch out. You’re bringing a knife to a gun fight.”
Now tell me what bizarre things you’ve said or heard recently.
Or what shows you watched in college.
Or your favourite Muppet.
Or something even more random.
Around the blogosphere:
Speaking of non-sequiturs, funny man Bryan Allain has released a book called 31 Days To Finding Your Blogging Mojo. It’s on my Kindle. If you want to laugh and learn something, get it.
Kelly K from Dances with Chaos has a terrific post called Pay It Forward. Go read it and consider paying something forward this week. It’s a perfect idea for the week following 9/11.
Mark says
September 14, 2011 at 5:40 amMy favourite muppet is the phantom , never went to collage, I’m in the military so hear lots of buzzer things ( usually from our bosses in Ottawa ) and life is very random every day with 2 teenaged daughters in the house
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:02 pmI can only imagine how random life is. Maybe you feel like you have Animal in your house? 🙂
journeytoepiphany says
September 14, 2011 at 5:41 amYou know what’s so funny about this? Talking about cats licking their butts at the table is so much worse than humming!!!! We are funny creatures, we parents.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:02 pmThat’s so true. We are funny creatures. I keep thinking if I act strange my kids will act normally. Not quite sure it’s working…
Karen Moret Harrison says
September 14, 2011 at 5:55 amSaid in a rest stop stall somewhere in Texas to my daughter in the stall next to me:
“Wow, it sounds like you really had to go. Aren’t you glad you decided use the bathroom?”
Only it wasn’t my daughter.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:03 pmThat is hilarious, in that mortifying-at-first way. What did she reply? I’m still laughing, by the way!
Karen Moret Harrison says
September 16, 2011 at 6:35 amDead silence from the other stall. Which really made me think it was my teenaged-daughter since most of what I say receives this response.
I didn’t know it wasn’t her until I left the bathroom and saw her walking the dog. I suddenly had a vision of turning around and seeing whomever it was behind me so I did what any reasonable person would do. I ran like hell.
thoughtsappear says
September 14, 2011 at 6:15 amIn college about 10 girl friends crammed into one dorm room every week to watch Temptation Island. That was the show where they put several couples on an island and then split them up to see if they’d cheat on each other.
My roomie and I also watched a lot of SpongeBob.
My favorite muppets were Gonzo and Beaker. Hopefully that will redeem me from watching Temptation Island.
mistyslaws says
September 15, 2011 at 8:11 amI’m sorry, Thoughtsy, but nothing will redeem that show.
(cough cough . . . I might have watched it too . . . cough cough)
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:04 pmGonzo and Beaker redeem you (of course, I haven’t seen Temptation Island…)
mairedubhtx says
September 14, 2011 at 6:18 amMiss Piggy is my favorite Muppet. She is tres chic. How can you not love her, even when she is karate-chopping someone.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:04 pmAgreed. And she had attitude!
Maria Morrison says
September 14, 2011 at 7:02 amSometimes I embarrass the kids on purpose. Isn’t that our parental right? Whenever my 8yr old girl is whiny in public, and says..”But Mom…” I turn to her and say rather loudly, “Did you just call me a Buttmom??” rather sternly, but with a hint of sarcasm. She sheepishly smiles and changes her tone.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:04 pmI’m stealing that, Maria. Fabulous!
educlaytion says
September 14, 2011 at 7:18 amKnife to gunfight indeed. That one made me laugh. I’m saving my Muppet breakdown for a future post I’ve been working on for six months. You can’t have it.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:05 pmFine. Be that way. 😉
Bill says
September 14, 2011 at 7:44 amWe were enjoying our normal, large family get-together for Christmas one year. Our discussion was about Radio Frequency Interference (I am a ham radio operator) getting into various pieces of electronics. My married sister spoke up in a silent moment: “Maybe that’s what’s wrong with Les’s organ.” The silence was deafening – for about three heartbeats.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:05 pmHilarious. I love those double ententres!
randomlychad says
September 14, 2011 at 7:47 amI believe it was this past Sunday; my family had gone shopping at Sam’s Club. My 5yo said something about needing to go “poop;” to which I replied, “I just took you to the potty at Sam’s Club. You just pooped… Hey, son did you know that there are officially seven different kinds of poop? Let me show you on Wikipedia.”
So I got my smartphone, and loaded:
Bristol Stool Scale
Mind you, he said he didn’t want to see it, but being a 13yo boy, he looked.
It was a short time later that I told him, “Mom says we’re having sausages for dinner.” (See the link for why this traumatized the poor boy).
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:07 pmI should’ve known someone classfied poop. Lucky number 7. Or not. And I’ll pass on the sausage. (Or should I say, pass the sausage?)
Wendy lawrence says
September 14, 2011 at 7:47 amMahna mahna (do DO do do do)
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:07 pmLove it. And that’s pleasantly stuck in my head!
Smplefy says
September 14, 2011 at 8:16 amRalph, the dog. He never licked his butt. Of course he probably had a hand up it.
Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says
September 14, 2011 at 8:23 amOh, this made me laugh…
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:08 pmVery very funny. I love me a good pun. 🙂
Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says
September 14, 2011 at 8:23 amLet’s see.. college. I watched La Femme Nikita, the Weather Channel, and the X-files. When I lived in the dorms, we’d all gather in a room right before dinner and watch The Simpsons – at the guys dorm where all of my friends lived.
Animal has always been my favorite muppet. And Sweetums.
I love the monsters. 🙂
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:09 pmX-Files. Good one. Which makes me think of Star Trek, in the guys’ dorm of course!
Renee Schuls-Jacobson says
September 14, 2011 at 8:23 amI won’t steal Clay’s thunder, so I’ll just say at least your children are not speaking in binary. That’s what I’ve got going on. And I have no idea how to make it stop. 1-1-0-1-2-1-0-0-0-1.
Whaaaat?
Ricky Anderson says
September 15, 2011 at 12:30 pmHere you go, Renee: http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:11 pmAm I supposed to understand what that is? Ricky’s code-breaker might help. I’m glad my kids are still 7. Sort of.
Bryan says
September 14, 2011 at 9:21 amthanks for the link, Leanne!
and for the record, I love toilet talk when we’re at the table at our house. As long as we remind the kids that they can’t do it elsewhere (they’re 8 and 10) it’s one of those things that makes our family goofy and unique, and I want them to feel special about that. Kinda weird, but oh well.
Ricky Anderson says
September 15, 2011 at 12:32 pmWish I could have seen that conversation!
Bryan: Kids, there’s a time and place for potty talk. The only appropriate places for potty talk are: The potty. Oh, and the dinner table. Cool?
Parker: *Farting noises*
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:12 pmYa both are cracking me up. I’m not sure I’m coming over for dinner. Well…maybe…
karmavore says
September 14, 2011 at 10:19 amI pretty much hate mealtime. I’m almost at the point of giving him atrocious little bars for every meal.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:13 pmJust go out and leave Theo with M. 🙂
julie gardner says
September 14, 2011 at 10:20 am…And now I know why we don’t have cats.
However, we DO have a dog who likes to sleep on back with her legs up in the air and spread wide.
My husband loves to point her out and say, “Such a lady. Just like Mommy.”
To my kids.
Nice.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:13 pmYour husband is hilarious. Not as funny as you, of course…
AG says
September 14, 2011 at 12:50 pmhahahahahahahahahaha
YES.
Do it!
So funny, it really made me laugh out loud.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:14 pm🙂
Meet the Buttrams says
September 14, 2011 at 1:46 pmMy mother used to tell me if I sing at the table, I’m going to marry an old man. Did Not Work.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:14 pmI like empty threats. I’m working on a degree in them. Your mother and I would get along…
Marianne says
September 14, 2011 at 2:32 pmI have read hair. Animal has redhair. I have always felt like I might be his lovechild.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:14 pmLovechild: bwahaha.
susceptorqueen says
September 14, 2011 at 4:13 pmWe were doing our weekly shopping. I pick healthy food and my husband eats junk. We parked the cart and I went to pick out some frozen vegetarian chili. Rick wandered over to the ice cream freezer. After perusing a few varieties, I picked one and dropped it in the cart. I offered, “I didn’t get one for you because the last time I did I had to wear a gas mask for three days.”
He always has some smart alec reply at the ready and when I didn’t hear a retort, I turned around and peered into the maw of a VERY SHOCKED man. It wasn’t my husband and it wasn’t my cart. I was internally mortified but I picked the chili out of the cart and without hesitation said, “You’re a MAN, you know what I mean.” He smiled meekly and left skid marks on the floor as he fled to the next aisle.
We’re shopping elsewhere for a while. 😉
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:15 pmThat has me LMAO.
And at least the skid marks were on the floor. 😉
robshep says
September 14, 2011 at 5:12 pmIn college we would gather around a small tv to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:15 pmAnd you shouted. I’m betting you shouted…
JM Randolph says
September 14, 2011 at 9:30 pmI’m jealous of what you said. Mind if I borrow it? One of the older kids started a round of truly tasteless and offensive jokes that I was horrified at but also laughing so hard I was unable to speak, which made the little guy pay attention. We spent the next half hour convincing him he would go to jail if he told any of these jokes in school.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:16 pmThe Jail Card. Hmm. Mind if I borrow that? 🙂
Cheryl says
September 14, 2011 at 11:29 pmMy favorite was Animal. Funny you should bring up the muppets. I was riding in the combine with Randy this evening and he said name 10 Muppets, I could only name 8. Did the old guys in the balcony have names?
Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says
September 15, 2011 at 6:59 pmThe Hecklers – Statler and Waldorf
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:17 pmKelly’s got the names. To me, they were–as you said–the old guys in the balcony. And I loved them! (Hope the combining’s going well!)
mistyslaws says
September 15, 2011 at 8:25 amMy kids start singing at the table and it drives me nuts. I tell them no singing at the table. But that just makes them want to do it more. Or some other equally obnoxious thing. Dinner time is my Vietnam.
This morning my youngest was dancing down the hall singing “party in the USA.” When I asked him what he was doing, he said “singing Miley Cyrus.” Well, at least they are learning the important stuff. Blech!! Oh, and the oldest at breakfast was humming Bad Romance, and the little one goes “that’s Lady Gaga!!!” Like I said, important.
We used to watch Friends. The original broadcasts, back when thursday night was Must See TV. That and Seinfeld.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:18 pmYes, remember the Thursday night line up? NBC owned it then.
“Dinner time is my Vietnam” = brilliant.
Susan says
September 15, 2011 at 10:16 amIn university, I used to eat breakfast while watching Regis and Kathy Lee. Sweet Jesus, that’s sad. And, yes, Kathy Lee – I am that old.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:18 pmI remember Kathy Lee. Is it me, or is Regis as annoying now as he was then?
Sharideth Smith says
September 15, 2011 at 10:19 ami work from home, so my kids know to interrupt me at their own risk. from the time they were little, if they had to ask me a question, i would answer it then say, “i love you, go away.”
they now expect me to say it. if i don’t, they wait until i do.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:19 pmOkay, I’m stealing that.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Larry Hehn says
September 15, 2011 at 2:58 pmAnimal. Definitely Animal.
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 15, 2011 at 9:19 pmCan I make up a question to go with that comment? 😉
jedwardswright says
September 16, 2011 at 10:18 amWhat…no one else likes Kermit???
I laughed more while reading this post and all the comments than I have in a while. Thanks Leanne & Company!
Jodi
Leanne Shirtliffe says
September 18, 2011 at 10:25 amI heart Kermit. And yes, the comments are hilarious! Love my readers.
The Hook says
September 22, 2011 at 1:34 pmI know ALL about this topic…