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Did I Say That Out Loud? How To Embarrass Your Kids

Sometimes I think sitting down as a family at dinner is overrated. At least for the mother. I miss my university days of having a bagel and Sunchips in front of the TV with my roommate while watching Jeopardy and reruns of The Muppets.

Now, in our Lego filled house, dinner table conversations sometimes seem like a script written for Henson’s furry creatures. Or maybe for frat boys.

Here is the scene that unfolded over burgers and salad last week, moments after Vivian did an elaborate pantomime to inform me that I had lettuce stuck between my teeth.

William was taking apart his burger so that he could eat the bun with ketchup and chase it down with a slab of ground beef. As he does whenever he’s happy, he hummed.

“William,” my husband said, “stop humming.”

William looked up from his ketchup fest. “Dad, why don’t you like humming?”

“It’s not that I don’t like humming,” he explained. “I just don’t like it at the dinner table.”

Three sentences had been uttered so Vivian was overdue for a contribution. “Birds sing while they’re eating,” she said.

It was a logical comparison. Even insightful. But for some reason I said this:

My husband looked up from his burger and offered a warning. “Vivian, watch out. You’re bringing a knife to a gun fight.”

Now tell me what bizarre things you’ve said or heard recently.

Or what shows you watched in college.

Or your favourite Muppet.

Or something even more random.

Around the blogosphere:

Speaking of non-sequiturs, funny man Bryan Allain has released a book called 31 Days To Finding Your Blogging Mojo. It’s on my Kindle. If you want to laugh and learn something, get it.

Kelly K from Dances with Chaos has a terrific post called Pay It Forward. Go read it and consider paying something forward this week. It’s a perfect idea for the week following 9/11.


Filed Under: Hilarious Family Moments, Whiteboard Wednesday Tagged With: funny, humor, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, mom, parenting

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Mark says

    September 14, 2011 at 5:40 am

    My favourite muppet is the phantom , never went to collage, I’m in the military so hear lots of buzzer things ( usually from our bosses in Ottawa ) and life is very random every day with 2 teenaged daughters in the house

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:02 pm

      I can only imagine how random life is. Maybe you feel like you have Animal in your house? 🙂

      Reply
  2. journeytoepiphany says

    September 14, 2011 at 5:41 am

    You know what’s so funny about this? Talking about cats licking their butts at the table is so much worse than humming!!!! We are funny creatures, we parents.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:02 pm

      That’s so true. We are funny creatures. I keep thinking if I act strange my kids will act normally. Not quite sure it’s working…

      Reply
  3. Karen Moret Harrison says

    September 14, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Said in a rest stop stall somewhere in Texas to my daughter in the stall next to me:

    “Wow, it sounds like you really had to go. Aren’t you glad you decided use the bathroom?”

    Only it wasn’t my daughter.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:03 pm

      That is hilarious, in that mortifying-at-first way. What did she reply? I’m still laughing, by the way!

      Reply
      • Karen Moret Harrison says

        September 16, 2011 at 6:35 am

        Dead silence from the other stall. Which really made me think it was my teenaged-daughter since most of what I say receives this response.

        I didn’t know it wasn’t her until I left the bathroom and saw her walking the dog. I suddenly had a vision of turning around and seeing whomever it was behind me so I did what any reasonable person would do. I ran like hell.

        Reply
  4. thoughtsappear says

    September 14, 2011 at 6:15 am

    In college about 10 girl friends crammed into one dorm room every week to watch Temptation Island. That was the show where they put several couples on an island and then split them up to see if they’d cheat on each other.

    My roomie and I also watched a lot of SpongeBob.

    My favorite muppets were Gonzo and Beaker. Hopefully that will redeem me from watching Temptation Island.

    Reply
    • mistyslaws says

      September 15, 2011 at 8:11 am

      I’m sorry, Thoughtsy, but nothing will redeem that show.

      (cough cough . . . I might have watched it too . . . cough cough)

      Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:04 pm

      Gonzo and Beaker redeem you (of course, I haven’t seen Temptation Island…)

      Reply
  5. mairedubhtx says

    September 14, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Miss Piggy is my favorite Muppet. She is tres chic. How can you not love her, even when she is karate-chopping someone.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:04 pm

      Agreed. And she had attitude!

      Reply
  6. Maria Morrison says

    September 14, 2011 at 7:02 am

    Sometimes I embarrass the kids on purpose. Isn’t that our parental right? Whenever my 8yr old girl is whiny in public, and says..”But Mom…” I turn to her and say rather loudly, “Did you just call me a Buttmom??” rather sternly, but with a hint of sarcasm. She sheepishly smiles and changes her tone.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:04 pm

      I’m stealing that, Maria. Fabulous!

      Reply
  7. educlaytion says

    September 14, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Knife to gunfight indeed. That one made me laugh. I’m saving my Muppet breakdown for a future post I’ve been working on for six months. You can’t have it.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:05 pm

      Fine. Be that way. 😉

      Reply
  8. Bill says

    September 14, 2011 at 7:44 am

    We were enjoying our normal, large family get-together for Christmas one year. Our discussion was about Radio Frequency Interference (I am a ham radio operator) getting into various pieces of electronics. My married sister spoke up in a silent moment: “Maybe that’s what’s wrong with Les’s organ.” The silence was deafening – for about three heartbeats.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:05 pm

      Hilarious. I love those double ententres!

      Reply
  9. randomlychad says

    September 14, 2011 at 7:47 am

    I believe it was this past Sunday; my family had gone shopping at Sam’s Club. My 5yo said something about needing to go “poop;” to which I replied, “I just took you to the potty at Sam’s Club. You just pooped… Hey, son did you know that there are officially seven different kinds of poop? Let me show you on Wikipedia.”

    So I got my smartphone, and loaded:

    Bristol Stool Scale

    Mind you, he said he didn’t want to see it, but being a 13yo boy, he looked.

    It was a short time later that I told him, “Mom says we’re having sausages for dinner.” (See the link for why this traumatized the poor boy).

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:07 pm

      I should’ve known someone classfied poop. Lucky number 7. Or not. And I’ll pass on the sausage. (Or should I say, pass the sausage?)

      Reply
  10. Wendy lawrence says

    September 14, 2011 at 7:47 am

    Mahna mahna (do DO do do do)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:07 pm

      Love it. And that’s pleasantly stuck in my head!

      Reply
  11. Smplefy says

    September 14, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Ralph, the dog. He never licked his butt. Of course he probably had a hand up it.

    Reply
    • Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says

      September 14, 2011 at 8:23 am

      Oh, this made me laugh…

      Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:08 pm

      Very very funny. I love me a good pun. 🙂

      Reply
  12. Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says

    September 14, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Let’s see.. college. I watched La Femme Nikita, the Weather Channel, and the X-files. When I lived in the dorms, we’d all gather in a room right before dinner and watch The Simpsons – at the guys dorm where all of my friends lived.

    Animal has always been my favorite muppet. And Sweetums.

    I love the monsters. 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:09 pm

      X-Files. Good one. Which makes me think of Star Trek, in the guys’ dorm of course!

      Reply
  13. Renee Schuls-Jacobson says

    September 14, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I won’t steal Clay’s thunder, so I’ll just say at least your children are not speaking in binary. That’s what I’ve got going on. And I have no idea how to make it stop. 1-1-0-1-2-1-0-0-0-1.

    Whaaaat?

    Reply
    • Ricky Anderson says

      September 15, 2011 at 12:30 pm

      Here you go, Renee: http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp

      Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm

      Am I supposed to understand what that is? Ricky’s code-breaker might help. I’m glad my kids are still 7. Sort of.

      Reply
  14. Bryan says

    September 14, 2011 at 9:21 am

    thanks for the link, Leanne!

    and for the record, I love toilet talk when we’re at the table at our house. As long as we remind the kids that they can’t do it elsewhere (they’re 8 and 10) it’s one of those things that makes our family goofy and unique, and I want them to feel special about that. Kinda weird, but oh well.

    Reply
    • Ricky Anderson says

      September 15, 2011 at 12:32 pm

      Wish I could have seen that conversation!

      Bryan: Kids, there’s a time and place for potty talk. The only appropriate places for potty talk are: The potty. Oh, and the dinner table. Cool?

      Parker: *Farting noises*

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe says

        September 15, 2011 at 9:12 pm

        Ya both are cracking me up. I’m not sure I’m coming over for dinner. Well…maybe…

        Reply
  15. karmavore says

    September 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I pretty much hate mealtime. I’m almost at the point of giving him atrocious little bars for every meal.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      Just go out and leave Theo with M. 🙂

      Reply
  16. julie gardner says

    September 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

    …And now I know why we don’t have cats.

    However, we DO have a dog who likes to sleep on back with her legs up in the air and spread wide.

    My husband loves to point her out and say, “Such a lady. Just like Mommy.”
    To my kids.

    Nice.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      Your husband is hilarious. Not as funny as you, of course…

      Reply
  17. AG says

    September 14, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    hahahahahahahahahaha
    YES.
    Do it!
    So funny, it really made me laugh out loud.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:14 pm

      🙂

      Reply
  18. Meet the Buttrams says

    September 14, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    My mother used to tell me if I sing at the table, I’m going to marry an old man. Did Not Work.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:14 pm

      I like empty threats. I’m working on a degree in them. Your mother and I would get along…

      Reply
  19. Marianne says

    September 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    I have read hair. Animal has redhair. I have always felt like I might be his lovechild.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:14 pm

      Lovechild: bwahaha.

      Reply
  20. susceptorqueen says

    September 14, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    We were doing our weekly shopping. I pick healthy food and my husband eats junk. We parked the cart and I went to pick out some frozen vegetarian chili. Rick wandered over to the ice cream freezer. After perusing a few varieties, I picked one and dropped it in the cart. I offered, “I didn’t get one for you because the last time I did I had to wear a gas mask for three days.”

    He always has some smart alec reply at the ready and when I didn’t hear a retort, I turned around and peered into the maw of a VERY SHOCKED man. It wasn’t my husband and it wasn’t my cart. I was internally mortified but I picked the chili out of the cart and without hesitation said, “You’re a MAN, you know what I mean.” He smiled meekly and left skid marks on the floor as he fled to the next aisle.

    We’re shopping elsewhere for a while. 😉

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:15 pm

      That has me LMAO.

      And at least the skid marks were on the floor. 😉

      Reply
  21. robshep says

    September 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    In college we would gather around a small tv to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:15 pm

      And you shouted. I’m betting you shouted…

      Reply
  22. JM Randolph says

    September 14, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    I’m jealous of what you said. Mind if I borrow it? One of the older kids started a round of truly tasteless and offensive jokes that I was horrified at but also laughing so hard I was unable to speak, which made the little guy pay attention. We spent the next half hour convincing him he would go to jail if he told any of these jokes in school.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm

      The Jail Card. Hmm. Mind if I borrow that? 🙂

      Reply
  23. Cheryl says

    September 14, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    My favorite was Animal. Funny you should bring up the muppets. I was riding in the combine with Randy this evening and he said name 10 Muppets, I could only name 8. Did the old guys in the balcony have names?

    Reply
    • Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says

      September 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm

      The Hecklers – Statler and Waldorf

      Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

      Kelly’s got the names. To me, they were–as you said–the old guys in the balcony. And I loved them! (Hope the combining’s going well!)

      Reply
  24. mistyslaws says

    September 15, 2011 at 8:25 am

    My kids start singing at the table and it drives me nuts. I tell them no singing at the table. But that just makes them want to do it more. Or some other equally obnoxious thing. Dinner time is my Vietnam.

    This morning my youngest was dancing down the hall singing “party in the USA.” When I asked him what he was doing, he said “singing Miley Cyrus.” Well, at least they are learning the important stuff. Blech!! Oh, and the oldest at breakfast was humming Bad Romance, and the little one goes “that’s Lady Gaga!!!” Like I said, important.

    We used to watch Friends. The original broadcasts, back when thursday night was Must See TV. That and Seinfeld.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:18 pm

      Yes, remember the Thursday night line up? NBC owned it then.

      “Dinner time is my Vietnam” = brilliant.

      Reply
  25. Susan says

    September 15, 2011 at 10:16 am

    In university, I used to eat breakfast while watching Regis and Kathy Lee. Sweet Jesus, that’s sad. And, yes, Kathy Lee – I am that old.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:18 pm

      I remember Kathy Lee. Is it me, or is Regis as annoying now as he was then?

      Reply
  26. Sharideth Smith says

    September 15, 2011 at 10:19 am

    i work from home, so my kids know to interrupt me at their own risk. from the time they were little, if they had to ask me a question, i would answer it then say, “i love you, go away.”

    they now expect me to say it. if i don’t, they wait until i do.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:19 pm

      Okay, I’m stealing that.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Reply
  27. Larry Hehn says

    September 15, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Animal. Definitely Animal.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 15, 2011 at 9:19 pm

      Can I make up a question to go with that comment? 😉

      Reply
  28. jedwardswright says

    September 16, 2011 at 10:18 am

    What…no one else likes Kermit???
    I laughed more while reading this post and all the comments than I have in a while. Thanks Leanne & Company!
    Jodi

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 18, 2011 at 10:25 am

      I heart Kermit. And yes, the comments are hilarious! Love my readers.

      Reply
  29. The Hook says

    September 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    I know ALL about this topic…

    Reply

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