It’s holiday Monday. There’s nothing teachers like better than a holiday Monday, except eight of them in a row, which is also known as summer.
Today–a delicious holiday Monday–I’m pleased to bring you a guest post from the hilarious Tyler Tarver. Tyler is a teacher and a dad and an author, not necessarily in that order (but he’s good at order because he teaches math). He’s also a great writer which you’ll figure out if you buy his book, Words & Sentences. (Note: this is not false advertising. The book does indeed contain words and sentences).
Now, means right now, which is when you’re going to nonverbally hear the most important thing you’ll read while you’re reading this. Confused? Go drink some milk and run a mile, cause this is happening like a M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Shirtliffe and I are both teachers, and while we both probably act like we’re super fair and cool with all students, we honestly have favorites. It’s true, we like some of your kids, and some of them get on our freaking nerves like a spinal tap.
Here are some quick ways to get to the top of our in-class delivery trips and here’s a few points to bump up your grade lists.
Give us Apples: This old teacher action is not only true, but it’s not false. We’ll accept all kinds of apples. iPads, iPods, iMacs, iAnything…we’ll take it like a nice pen the waiter gives us to sign our receipt.
Don’t Correct Us: We became teachers because we like being smarter than everyone else in the room. If we wanted to feel stupid we’d get a barb-wire tattoo and watch reality Tv. When we say we’ll resume something on Monday, but we’re off on Monday, you know what we mean. Don’t make me call your parents and tell them you’re the kid who farts in class.
Be Funny: It’s just math, I don’t need you going all stone cold Steven Seagal-face on me about some stupid equation. Be chill like an 1983’s movie with Jeff Goldblum. Seriously, be not serious.
Participate: If we wanted everything we said to be rhetorical, we’d be principals.
Ultimate Teacher’s Pet: Be a cat or dog that we own.
In the comments, what caused the fall of the Roman Empire who was your favorite teacher and why?
Tyler Tarver teaches math in Arkansas but not meth. You can check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book which he won’t shut up about titled Words&Sentences. He also might be in love with you so much it’s freakin stupid.