I was born four days after my mom’s 30th birthday. I know this because every year I hear the story of how my mom spent her 30th birthday sitting on the basement steps vomiting. Four days later, I emerged and completed the purge.
Four days ago, my mom turned 70. Which means today I’m 40.
Instead of issuing a pseudo-resolution birthday list that makes y’all feel like you want to vomit on my birthday, I thought I’d share part of the email that my husband sent to my mom on her birthday. If you don’t know my husband, you really need to read 5 Blog Topics My Husband Wanted To Write.
After sending my mom happy birthday greetings, he outlined his plans for my birthday. Then he decided to share with her gifts that would be hilariously inappropriate for me.
Here are my husband’s words, stolen from the email he sent to my mom:
These are the things I was going to do for Leanne’s birthday but decided against:
- Kidnap her from work and take her skydiving
- Get a male dancer to entertain her and her class at school
- Make her a present with things I’ve found at the dump
- Bake her a life-sized cake shaped like me
- Buy her 10,000 lottery tickets
- Paint the inside of the house black
- Compose a long letter filled with swear words to her boss asking for a raise and a company car on her behalf
- Sign her up for a three times weekly year-round scrapbooking course
- Get her a coupon for plastic surgery
- Get flames painted on our minivan
- Get a picture of her tattooed on my neck
- Take her duck hunting
- Buy her a Harley
- Get a pet llama for the backyard
- Buy a TV for the bathroom
- Videotape her snoring and post it on Youtube
As our nieces, nephews, and children know, you can’t take anything my husband says seriously. Except for the time he told me I was the third funniest woman he’s ever met. (And, yes, he meant this as a compliment).
Here’s to another decade of laughter.