If you’re planning to purchase toys for some darling children this holiday season, you might want to look elsewhere because my annual list of toys-that-suck is here.
Without further ado, I present the worst toys from Santa’s workshop, where quality control appears to have taken an extended vacation. A 365 day one.
Toys That Assault OUR Senses
These toys are great gifts, for someone else’s kid.
I am T-Pain Mic
This microphone is named after a rapper who’s known for using voice correction . . . you know, so he can sound relatively in tune while he sings/speaks. Now, in this no-child-is-allowed-to-be-mediocre era, your kid can get that illusion that she can sing, even if she sounds like a cat in heat singing the national anthem. Thank you, voice correction software, for convincing a generation that they should sing somewhere other than in the shower.
Rock Star Mickey
In previous years, I’ve picked on noisy Elmo and Dora dolls. This year’s take-the-batteries-out award goes to the Rock Star Mickey toy that sings, dances, and does the splits at the end of his routine. It’s American Idol for Disney characters, and it’s the audition round, not the grand finale. Plus, the name of this toy makes me ponder. If you put the words “Rock Star” and “Mickey” together, my mind jumps to the image of a 1980s Steve Tyler guzzling a bottle of rye on a groupie-filled tour bus.
Under the loose category of chemistry, this perfume kit enables your children to mix potions and create a signature scent. It’s science for Snooki. As if parents don’t have enough foreign smells floating around their houses.
TOYS THAT SKANKIFY OUR DAUGHTERS
For my 2010 list, I deconstructed the Monster High dolls, quite literally pulling them apart limb-by-limb, joint-by-joint in a television interview. The Monster High dolls are still on the market, a massive success in vertical marketing. But there are some new contenders for this year; unfortunately, the skankification of girls does not seem to be going anywhere.
The company behind this wanted to directly compete with Barbie. So how do you do that? You Bratz-ify the product: put the dolls in bikinis or ripped fishnet stockings. Nothing like taking the high-class-hooker look and making it fashionable for the 6+ age group.
Moxie Teenz (MT) DollS
Equally skanky are the Moxie Teenz dolls. But what sends these skyrocketing up the masochistic marketing scale is MT’s motto: Be true! Be you! Really? Go ahead, girls, be yourself; just make sure you wear trashy clothes, heavy makeup, and change your hair color frequently.
TOYS THAT BEG TO BE ON LATE-NIGHT TV
McDonald’s Fast-food-at-home kit
Play-doh Drill n’ Fill Kit
Doggie Doo GAME
The Buzz Lightyear Cup
What are some presents you remember fondly (or not so fondly) from your childhood?
What other toys should be on this list?
What are you planning to buy the children in your life?