I used to like Halloween. I grew up with a dress-up trunk every bit as magical as a Narnia wardrobe. To top that, I had a grandma who sewed costumes – from a Dutch girl and an Indian girl to an astronaut and a caveman — in an era when the term politically incorrect hadn’t been coined. Later, when Grandma retired her Singer, my best friend fired up her sewing machine and hot glue gun and took over making my costumes. Yup, I loved Halloween because I had to do very little to look good.
Fast forward a couple of decades. Enter children. Add my ever-growing phobia of crafts and anything requiring fine motor skills or time.
This is an equation for sucking at parenting, especially during holidays.
Here, then, are 5 Reasons Halloween Reminds Me I’m a Slacker Mom
Reason 1: Costumes
We have a dress up trunk in the basement filled with second hand costumes, some in better shape than others. Whenever people ask what my kids are going to be for Halloween, I say, “Whatever costume fits.” Last year, Halloween came after my kids had a growth spurt. William went as a tiger-preparing-for-a-flood; Vivian was a homeless princess.
Reason 2: Pumpkins
My kids have never carved a pumpkin. Add this to the lengthy list of vegetables they’ve never seen. Our jack-o-lanterns are plastic garage-sale-specials with generic grins.
Reason 3: Decorations
If it wasn’t for my sister-in-law who visited last weekend, we’d have no decorations. Thankfully, she instructed my kids how to make Kleenex ghosts and they started their own sweat shop.
Reason 4: Candy
I eat my kids’ Halloween candy. I call it community service. Then I throw the rest of it out. Well, at least the stuff I don’t like. Today I started on a slippery slope: I opened a box of candy we’re supposed to be giving out. I think I saw a free coupon for Weight Watchers inside the box.
Reason 5: School Treats
A memo came home from my kids’ school a couple of weeks ago outlining that parents are welcome to send in treats for the entire class on the Friday before Halloween. But, the note advised, send a treat that’s healthy, peanut-free, and pre-wrapped. Try as I may, I couldn’t think of anything that fit this category, so I sent in nothing. Still, my kids came with plenty of unhealthy stuff (I know it was unhealthy because I ate most of it).
If it didn’t require scissors and string, I’d make my kids UNICEF-like boxes to wear around the necks while trick-or-treating. Only these boxes would say “Future Therapy Fund.”
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Any Halloween stories about your childhood or your children?
Sigh…we are so living each other’s lives. This is freaking hilarious. It just makes me love you more…
My post on Monday will detail my struggle to make a Halloween costume for my kid (a GHOST costume). I even tell people my kids wrap all presents because I do such a crappy job.
We are sisters, indeed. I HATE wrapping presents. And don’t even get me started about ribbon.
I’m not to the “must make child’s Halloween costume” phase yet, but I can’t sew and I am about as uncrafty as they come. Luckily my dear friend can do those things and I will be requesting her services in years to come.
My Halloween tradition growing up was this: http://danceswithchaos.wordpress.com/2010/10/30/how-to-get-entertained-for-the-price-of-candy/
I’m spreading the tradition to the poor souls that come to my house. 🙂
I love the joke-telling idea…though the wicked witch part of me wonders if that would lengthen the whole trick-or-treating thing. (That’s how Scrooge-ish I am!)
Ha. Great post. Yeah, I’d say you and restlesslori are a pair. No decorations at our house (we bad), but I do recall my mom eating all my candy growing up—especially the Smarties!
Kids remember their moms eating candy? Oh no! That’s not part of my plan…
Love this- you are a funny lady –
My husband and I just decided today Halloween showcases our EXCELLENT parenting because our six-year-old tells us “ad nauseum” how bad chocolate is and refuses to eat it…Good for you kid, now move over, you are blocking the bowl!
ROFL at your last sentence. Hilarious. I’m with ya on that one (or fighting you for the bowl!)
I loved this, Very Funny Post!
It reminds me that when I was a kid we didn’t spend a lot of time and money on costumes. We usually came up with an idea and put it together ourselves from what we had around. It was creative and fun! When I was 10 in the 70’s I dressed myself up as a hooker. I didn’t know what one was but I had seen one on a police tv show and I thought she was gorgeous. I couldn’t figure out why my mom was so upset and she wouldn’t really explain!
Hooker=brilliant. Reminds me of the time (I think I was 7) when I was watching “Family Feud” with my mom and older sister (age 13). The answer “prostitute” came up. When I asked my mom what a prostitute was, she said it was someone who sold her body for money. My reply – now legendary in family lore – was, “Oh, you mean a hooker?”
Thanks for the trip down memory lane!
Mercy, come to our house. Ours is the one with a 12-foot infltable ghost on the lawn. And the man furiously decorating everything in sight is my husband. The neighbours, God bless them, smile politely and just look away.
We used to have a version of you as a neighbour. He rigged a motorized pulley-cable thing on three houses (including ours) and had witches and ghosts cycling on it all night. Made the news a few years ago…It was great to get the credit when we did nothing but give the guy access to our roof.
Happy Take Down!
I’m sure children dressed up in costumes are cute and all (I really want my own plush onesie with a hood and cat ears), but when I see munchkins at my door on Halloween, I’m never sure if they’re going to laugh, cry, or poop. That’s why I’m keeping my lights off and my curtains drawn. Yes, I am the Grinch of Oct. 31st.
If I didn’t have kids, I too would be hiding. And by 8:30, I am!
This is so so funny. I am totally craft-illiterate and recently saw those kleenex ghosts and exclaimed – I CAN DO THAT! I even wanted to go one better and make them with tissue paper (note: I never did make anything). Thankfully Mark is a costume master but I am more than happy to made do with whatever is in the box. I am filing that community service tip away for the future!!!!!! And AGREE. NOTHING pre-packaged is healthy. Get a grip people!
Tissue paper? Dream big! Theo would be cute in anything. Not sure about Mark though! 😉