I am thrilled that Clay Morgan is guest posting here today. He is a very hot commodity. In the past two weeks, he’s landed an agent, been Freshly Pressed (featured on WordPress’s homepage), spoken at a large conference, and been a star at Muckfest (see photos below, except the alligator one).
You’ve seen his name around here before. He’s one of my best blogging buddies and biggest supporters. He was my co-conspirator in the SearchBomb craze (stay tuned for SearchBomb 2.0, by the way). He’s funny, he’s kind, and I’m proud to call him my friend.
But he’s not Canadian.
So his writing occasionally lacks the letter “u”, Scout’s honor honour. Still, when his book hits the shelf, I’ll happily send him a cheque or – if he prefers – a check.
Here’s Clay in all his hilarity. Read him. Comment. Then go to his blog, Educlaytion. It’s about pop culture, the meaning of life, and the 40 Worst Dressed Cities in America. That’s “America” as in USA (as opposed to North America). And subscribe to Educlaytion. Trust me. You don’t want to miss this train, eh?
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As a highly respected well-paid college professor*, I thought I would spend my time here today painting a picture for you, dear reader, of the land of our gracious host Leanne, the one and only Ironic Mom. Yeah, more like Iconic Mom. Woot!
Ahem. Sorry, I’m just a little excited to finally be here. But I knew this day would come and the topic for this special appearance hit me like a sack of moose meat when I saw this tweet from Leanne on her recent journey home across her beloved homeland.
If you think driving across Canada for a couple days is so bad you should try spending four months in elaborate academic study of the place. That’s what happened to me last spring when one of the colleges I teach at asked me to teach Geography of U.S. and Canada.
A couple things you should know about me.
1. I never turn down an opportunity, especially when it may help pay bills.
2. As a history undergrad I once failed college geography.
I justify this failure by pointing out that the girl teaching the course was one of the worst people to ever attempt college teaching. Please also note my seething hatred for the study of dirt and topography.
I love the places of the world but could care less about the acid content of soil. I barely passed biology, people, and that’s the study of my own life. So when I saw the textbook I was supposed to teach from, nay even understand, I puked on the soil in front of me. I believe that made it more acidic.
Then I realized that Canada has given us some positives for sure dontcha know. My overview Powerpoint on the country included, and I am not making this up, six pictures of Pittsburgh Penguins. Special thanks to Montreal for giving us Mario Lemieux, eh?
So in return I’d like to pay tribute to our neighbors to the north, specifically the part where a fab and funny Canadian blogger finds her inspiration. You’ll soon see why she’s a “humour” writer.
The following are actual facts as I understood them during my elaborate preparation for the single most tiresome class I’ve ever been asked to teach. This preparation included forcing myself to outline the most boring textbook ever written by a human.
1. The word Canada comes from the ancient Algonquian term Kanata which stands for “we mostly just have trees.”
2. Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world. This is one of the reasons why those Canucks act like they’re so important even though most of the junk in Canada’s trunk is barren wasteland.
3. The national symbol is a leaf. Just one leaf. Apparently the Canadian founders shared a loathing of craft time with Leanne. The planning session for the flag must’ve consisted of looking up at a tree.
4. There are lots of trees in Canada. Nearly half of the country is covered in those things. In fact, they have about 1/10th of the entire world’s forest. The truth is that they don’t even like maple syrup; they just eat it on everything in hopes of not drowning in the stuff.
5. Literally half of Canada is frozen all the time and the rest is frozen half the time. Umbilical cords are cut with ice skates so new mothers and children can practice figure eights and triple salchows on the way home from the hospital.
6. Canada has 10 provinces, 3 territories, and 1 self-loathing region that wants to secede.
7. Leanne hails from the Western Interior or Prairie Provinces, currently Alberta (motto: You’ll love us once the zombies come) which was named for legendary Inuit R & B singer Alberta Flack.
8. The largest city in Alberta is Calgary, home of a hockey team called the Flames. The team founder named them this out of desperation to be warm for once.
9. Sadly, I can find no important Pittsburgh Penguins born in Alberta. Bryan Trottier is important, but he’s from neighboring Saskatchewan.
10. The letters in Saskatchewan can be rearranged to spell “neat hacksaws.”
11. “Saskatchewan Bryan Trottier” can be rearranged to spell “Snotty brainwasher attacker.”
12. Alberta produces nearly 9/10ths of all the natural gas in Canada. Insert your own punch line here. These jokes write themselves, folks.
13. What Americans call the Plains, Canadians refer to as the Prairies. No certainty on what exactly they’re praying for, but it may be death once winter hits.
14. The climate of Leanne’s region is volatile with hot summers and bitter winters. Their version of Old Man Winter has been known to wield both a cane and shotgun. Residents are encouraged to bathe in superglue year round so as to avoid the destruction of all their skin.
15. The Prairies contain great farmland, very bountiful. I suppose this has something to do with all that great soil! (*crushes and snorts valium*)
16. Just for extra kicks, this region gets pounded by more hail than any other part of North America. Many school children have been known to carry pitching wedges to the bus** stop so as to take advantage of the predictable precipitation by practicing their short game.
*I didn’t say I was a good college professor.
**Canadian buses are actually just zambonis.
What’s your favorite thing about Canada (besides the soil)?
Good list! I have never been to Canada except for Niagara Falls, so I’ve learned a lot, Clay.
The image of umbilical cords being cut with ice skates just made my uterus cringe in pain. Seriously. Or maybe I’m just hungry and that was my stomach. I’m not sure.
You definitely have learned a lot. This knowledge comes from a certifiable, or is it certified instructor. Who knew ice skates were so functional eh?
Well done – you deserve a Double Double and a Timbit. (And congrats on the agent!!!)
A Double Double and a Timbit? I have not idea what those things are but thanks! 🙂
I see from this most excellent post of humorousness that I’m going to have to “hate” you both. 😉 you’ve been warned.
(Context: http://randomlychad.com).
That’s a typical reaction from all my students. They laugh at me then hate me.
ROFL, Clay! My fave is #7, “You’ll love us once the zombies come.”
I think you’re just wired differently than the rest of us. Thanks for the fun start to my morning, eh?
All my life I’ve been called “different.” I always knew that eventually someone would find it interesting 🙂 And it’s true about the zombies. They freeze in Canada and become really easy targets once the snow starts to melt.
In the words of our national spokesmen from decades past, toque-wearing and beer-guzzling Bob and Doug McKenzie, “Funny. Now pass me another beer, eh?”
Hilarious post,Clay. I had laugh tears running down my face when I read
“6. Canada has 10 provinces, 3 territories, and 1 self-loathing region that wants to secede.”
Good work, eh.
Alright! I love giving people laugh tears. They’re my favorite. I know I’ve done my job when the Albertans approve.
I love “neat hacksaws” and “snotty brainwasher attacker”! Is it true that they have to plug their cars in during the winter to keep them from freezing?
My favorite thing about Canada is Rush.
When living in the Prairies, yes you do plug your car in:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Block_heater
In college all the ‘rich’ kids plugged their cars in, the rest of us just didn’t see beyond the school’s walls for winter (aka 8 months of the year)
I especially like #16 “Many school children have been known to carry pitching wedges to the bus** stop so as to take advantage of the predictable precipitation by practicing their short game.”
Hahaha!
They actually plug their cars into life support as many Canadian vehicles attempt to kill themselves with whatever toxic exhaust they can generate against themselves. Anything beats driving in that cold.
The one and only time I was in Canada I was 12. I don’t remember much, other than I was fascinated with the currency.
Great list. I love #16. I can just picture kids going to school on zambonis.
Wow, Clay! I have learned so much about Canada this morning. I hope to insert these factoids into conversation for the rest of the day.
Searchbomb 2.0? Dear God, yes!
You must be such a fun professor! I wish I could send my children to your college and that you could teach them every subject. You just made learning about Canada fun.
Canada is the home of the Nanaimo bar. We, like, invented it. I dare any nation to beat that.
I mean, the Nanaimo bar…
Think about that for a second.
Come on.
Hilarious! Where can I sign up for your course on Kansas? Because I’m guessing that would be riveting as well. Have you ever driven across Kansas?
Seeing as I live in Western, NY I heart Canada. Why, Canada is our “friendly neighbor” just to the north! We often go to Niagara Falls (both sides) and to Toronto and to Ottawa and even to Montreal, where people will actually talk to you even if you don’t speak French. But you should try. (C’est vrai.)
I’ve never been to the part of Canada where Leanne lives. Calgary sounds very exotic to me. I picture handsome Mounties on horses wearing red coats. The men, not the horses.
Thanks for the lesson, Fryber. 😉
I’m not sure if Canada was one of the countries they visited, but for some more thoughts about traveling in a straight line, see this great short video “Move”: http://vimeo.com/27246366. Move
To me, Canada is just one giant five-pin bowling alley. Canada is only an hour away from me, but it’s been years since I’ve been there for anything other than five-pin bowling. I’d do that here in the USA, but I’m told Canada won’t let the game outside its borders.
That said, as a Michigan resident and Red Wings fan, I’m forever grateful to Canada for producing Steve Yzerman.
Loved the entire post, but #8 has a piece of my heart.
I live in California and therefore shivered throughout your recounting of Canada’s regrettable climate. I’m almost tempted to turn down my air conditioning. Almost.
But congratulations on the agent (hooray for you for real!) and I wish you could be my college professor. Except I for the part where I may hate dirt and topography even more more than you do.
A sack of moose meat, however, I may be able to get behind.
I’ll keep you posted.
Nice study of my home and native land!
Good work!
One of my favo(u)rite things about Canada is our often warped sense of humo(u)r. The 2010 Winter Olympics ceremonies were one huge inside joke. I’m not sure whether the rest of the world got it or just went, “Huh?”
the most important thing i took away from this was that one commenter said she was going to get behind a sack of moose meat.
oh and the ice skate/umbilical cord image made me throw up a little…
You’re not the first woman to have that reaction to me 😉
I’ve been to the Canadian side of the falls–my grandma took me when I was a wee lad. We stopped in a store for something, and not knowing what it was (told I was young) I picked up an unrolled condom from off of the bread shelf. Nobody knows what it was doing there.
I’ve never been back to Canada, or as I like to called it the “frozen tundra of upper Canuckistan.”
Say, what’s with that weird syrup they make in Sasketchewan?
Consider Canuckistan stolen.
Also, are all Canadians, by virtue of citizenship, contractually obligated to like John Irving’s A Prayer for Owen Meany?
That was decidedly un-American humour. I think Rick Mercer would approve.
Canada still keeps alcohol in a lot of their children’s medications as well. That may be why they are so nice.
Great post, Clay, and funny too! 🙂 Hmm, bathing in super glue could have some pretty serious consequences.
Awesome list, Clay. Reason #17: You can get little packets of vinegar for your fries at McDonalds. Yum!
Dear Professor Clay, Sir,
Mother Hen here to offer up her own unique take on the gifts Canada has given the world.
http://motherhensnest.wordpress.com/2010/12/12/the-12-canadian-days-of-christmas/
(Chickens have no shame when it comes to self-promotion, BTW.)
Canadian chicks rule the roost!!!
Patriotically yours,
Mother Hen
I never do tire of Professor Morgan’s lessons.
My favo(u)rite thing about Canada is its people’s laid-back behavio(u)r and sense of humo(u)r– makes for great neighbo(u)rs. That, and they have such fun spelling.
Professor Morgan, you should bring one of your classes on a field trip–and by “field” I mean “tundra”–up here. We are all fascinated by people who “live” in Pittsburgh; we like to whack them hard on the backs and see if soot comes out their noses. Also: why two sister cities in Croatia but none in Outer Canuckistan? I think I see a cultural studies project taking shape. . .
Ahh, Canada… my home and frozen land. Double Doubles and Timbits; two-fours; toques; greenbacks that come in purple, red, and blue; back-yard rinks and toddlers that skate before they walk; poutine, Nanaimo bars, and seal-flipper pie; universal health care; and about a million moose (seriously). Great land, eh? Loved your post — thanks for the laughs! 😉
“I love the places of the world but could care less about the acid content of soil.” Oh no you ditint! What would make you NOT care less? This one oversight has opened the door for Canadians to mock you, the American secondary education system, AND its esteemed professors. Why don’t you jack up a few more Americanisms and leave a gaping hole for brain molesting zombies to hop through? I can forgive this affront because I realize you were giddy at having the opportunity to post on Leanne’s blog. In the end I guess I must, ♫♪♫Blame Canada…blame Canada!♫♪ I am subscribing to your blog because apparently SOMEBODY has to keep an eye on you. I implore you, if you have the opportunity to guest blog on a Russian blogger’s page, please send me your document first. I don’t want a blip on your radar to become the reincarnation of the Cold War.
Sincerely,
Your ALL AMERICAN future Editor
I have no words for this.
You are at your finest, Clayford.
Fun post, Clay! I did one last summer, which caused a little controversy: http://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/top-ten-reasons-to-live-in-canada/
We have wine gums and the Americans don’t! Hahaha!
Fantastic observations Clay! My favorite things about our single most important neighboring country are tacos, Corona beer and NAFTA,
Our pal, Kathy Owen sent me to this great post! Love #6 and #10. Oh, and “Alberta Flack”…good one. 🙂