Suzan Pitman is a former high school teacher currently unemployed and hanging out in her pajamas in the greater DC area, having recently relocated there from Texas. She shares her life with husband David, son Matthew, and Piper the Dog. She is currently looking for a highly skilled 9-year-old to write the code for a new game for iPhones, “Pithy Comebacks with Friends.”
It was summer’s high noon—end-of-July, in south-central Texas, with a heat that few brains can really wrap themselves around even if they wanted to. My son, Matt, was two.
It was getting close to mid-morning, which meant that if we were going to spend any more time outside it would be at the pool or the river. As I thought about our options, I realized it was way too quiet. Matt had been crawling out the dog door since he was about 6 months old, usually with an actual dog toy, or the broom (go figure).
I stepped out the back door to find Matt and Mr. Pickles, our banty rooster, in a very silent, very still stand-off. Now Mr. Pickles was not one of those charming, loving, little dog-like chickens that follows you around and eats out of your hand. Mr. Pickles was a thug. He didn’t so much rule the chicken house as he did extort, bribe, threaten, and knee-cap all who dared enter in the chicken house or yard. It was a dirty business. We kept him because he had effectively raccoon-proofed the yard, but under no circumstances should he have been that close to a baby.
Determined not to panic, I reached out and picked Matt up in one big, slow motion, and that was when I saw that Mr. Pickles was soaked. Like he had been standing in the rain. For a while.
“Matt,” I said. “Why is Mr. Pickles all wet?”
“Because I pee on him, Mama!”
I threw a couple of flip-flops at Mr. Pickles to shoo him off, put Matt down and said, “Now, what happened?” And the reenactment commenced. My sweet baby had removed his diaper, peed on Mr. Pickles, and then put the diaper back on. Never, in all of the things I had said to my students, or things I thought I might say to my child, did I imagine I would need to say,
We all know that boys, even the big ones, will pee anywhere, and can you blame them? What shook me to my mother-core was that this child did not ask what would happen if he peed on Mr. Pickles, he just went out and tried it.
He was never one of those endless questions kids, but he has already, now at the ripe age of not-quite-eleven, been caught throwing rabbits to see if they land on their feet like cats, and jumping on the trampoline in snorkeling gear to see if the flippers improve his jump height. He’s had his chin stitched twice (what might happen if I jump the cement curb on the tricycle?), and his fore arm stitched then restitched when he told his PE coach his mom said it was OK for him to play dodge ball the day after slicing his arm open with his new pocket knife. He terrifies and absolutely delights me at the same time.
Mr. Pickles’ last moment in this life was sitting on the fence crowing at the neighbor’s puppy, which, due to a growth spurt, was able to jump up on the fence and eat Mr. Pickles for an afternoon snack. He went out crowing; owning the yard and all that was part of his domain. Isn’t that what we all want?
I did not discipline my child that day, the day Mr. Pickles got owned, other than to ask him to not do that again. It was the day I started to figure out the line between discipline and guidance, and as uncomfortable as the uncertainty of parenthood can be, I’ll live in that space (with Band-Aids and ice packs, and possibly bail money) while Matt pushes his limits.
R.I.P Mr. Pickles.
Confession time:
Where’s the strangest place you have peed?
What about a child you know?
How about in the left seat of a Cessna q72 at around 8,000 feet? When ya gotta go, ya gotta GO!
Travel pee-you guys have it easy!
Reblogged this on Pitman's General Store.
It’s going to be awhile before I can really think, much less write, about all the places we peed during the 3 day bathroom remodel that lasted 2 weeks. My advice for people with only one bathroom? Learn to love it, don’t redo it.
Man wasn’t that bantam owned. Very funny Suzan you have years of adventure ahead of you with Matt. Peeing, hmm when I was a copper a young man tried to take my car out while being pursued. We eventually located him with his car ‘parked’ rear end first against a tree in a farmer’s paddock. Adrenalin surges make you want to pee. He had been cuffed and placed in another car and I made my way to his car in the dark. I noticed how nice and fluffy his plush sheepskin seat covers looked. Wool absorbs liquid beautifully. 🙂
Laurie.
Thanks, Laurie! Wool is a true miracle. Hilarious!
You’re welcome Suzan, it has many uses. 🙂
Strangest place? Hmmm…I don’t know that I have done much peeing outside of a bathroom. Going outside while camping hardly seems to count but there was the time I was squatting behind a rock in the middle of the night while camping and looked up to find a herd of deer staring at me with their eyes glowing in the dark. Talk about instant stage fright! Who’s in the headlights now? I didn’t pee on the deer though. 😉
Love that he took off his own diaper. What a kid!
I cringe at all the places I know our boys have peed and shudder to think of the ones I don’t know.
Ahh….you gotta love boys…
That is the creepiest deer story ever! And I am glad someone loves that he took off his own diaper, as we were not much into that. Or the fact that he stiff-armed us on the crib at 16 months. He’s a tough nut.
Aww .. my son is in the middle of potty training. He won’t take off his diaper and has to wear his big boy underwear or he will pee in the diaper (yeah he’s funny) anyway the other day we were outside he rips that diaper off and goes on to pee on my car tire! When asked why he responded with “Charlie did” which by the way is our dog lol.
That is hilarious! We’ve always had girl dogs, but Matt did enjoy drinking out of the sand and water play table like the dog. If I ever caught him drinking out of the dog bowl I have blocked it out.
I love this! Boys. I was raised in a family of all girls so when I had a son of my own it was a challenge. But my pee story is actually about his 9 yr old step brother. A couple of weeks ago I tucked my four boys into their beds and let my husband know I was going to take a quick shower. I was literally in there for maybe 7 minutes. I heard a knock on the door as I shut off the shower. I said one sec wrapped my towel and came out of the bathroom. I asked my husband who was coming out of the bedroom who knocked and he didn’t know. But he heard some commotion in the pantry. He looks over and one of our 9 yr old twins had his pants down peeing in the trash can. Of course being a man my husband laughed. Until he realized our son was completely awake and knew he was in trouble. He had no excuse for peeing in the trash besides the fact he didn’t think he would get caught. He wasn’t holding it for long. So there was no reason for it. Boys. Smh. You have to keep the humor or they will drive you mad.
They really don’t see the need to hold it, do they. You must have your hands full with 4 of them!
My nephew was so used to peeing off the boat he thought it was okay to do so in public … like at preschool off the playground.
Loved your post!
Thank you! Ahhh, preschool. Hopefully he didn’t pee down the slide.
This broke me up. At least your son didn’t pee on the electric fence like we used to try and entice “town folk” to do when I was growing up. Cruel yes, but funny in a perverse way.
Oh, dear! That is very, very funny and something that probably would have been tried at his cattle-raising buddy’s house had we not moved to the Frozen North.
Thanks for reading and responding!
Reblogged this on Baby Shower Shop.
Thanks for reblogging!
Your last two questions left me thinking, “I have never peed on a child I know.”
Maybe on one you don’t know? 😉
A friend’s little brother was caught standing on his dresser peeing onto his bed across the room. His mother didn’t know what to do with that. He told her he wanted to know if he could reach.
That is hands down the most classic boy peeing story I have heard. Hilarious!
Too funny. Wonder how Mr. Pickles felt about being peed on…
Sooo funny! I loved all the responses, too. Maybe someone could write a book–’You peed where?’
I raised 3 boys, but I guess I was lucky. The worst that I can remember is one of them peeing on the fireplace hearth in their bedroom. My grandson loved to pee behind a bush in the front yard–even when the bathroom was available. I had to tell him to stop since the bush provided no real privacy and we live on a busy highway.
Girls can have their day, too. When I was 7 or 8 I broke my arm and had to spend a night in the hospital. During the night I awoke with a strong urge to go. I was in a dark ward and all the other kids were sleeping. I didn’t see any grown-ups, but I did see a lit room with a tile floor. I ran into it, thinking it was a bathroom. No toilet, more like a utility closet. Unable to hold it any longer, I spread my legs and peed. Apparently I made enough noise the nurse came running in. I got a tongue lashing as she threw a towel down to mop it up.
Reblogged this on quirkywritingcorner and commented:
And you peed where? Boys seem to have a fascination about the variety of ways they can go.