I’m delighted to introduce you to this week’s guest blogger. Khaula lives in Ontario with five wild kids, her Peter-Pan hubby and an overgrown kitten. She writes best-selling novels that will sell best when they are written. She loves reading and chocolate and raspberry smoothies. She blogs at KhaulaMazhar and is just a wee bit looney.
When you reach a certain age, you realize that it is not your parents who make you who you are.
It is your kids.
I was born to immigrant parents who could not even imagine swearing in their own language or English. So I started out as a quiet, shy, awkward human with a limited, boring vocabulary.
My father is Indian and my mother is Pakistani. Urdu has a plethora of incredibly colorful nouns, adjectives and verbs that can be used in many ways to describe a variety of negative events and feelings. I learned them all only after having children. They are absolutely awesome when mixed with English swear words and if my parents ever heard me, they’d have ‘bleepin’ cardiac arrests.
I am now a certified loud-mouthed, potty-tongued multilingual (bad words in numerous languages) mother of several children. I can’t remember how many there are at the moment, but I will count them as soon as I can find them all.
~
In response to Twin One’s question of my credentials, I said:
I have cleaned poop for the past more than fifteen years. Eleven cats, forty-eight guinea pigs (I kid you not), five offspring, and countless nieces dumped at my doorstep by their mothers. So I added this to my rant:
Twin Two smiled and pointed out that I had said a bad word. Again. The taste of soap no longer bothers me.
After tossing around for half an hour in bed Twin Two informed me she couldn’t sleep because it was too hot.
That worked well as an immediate sedative.
Meanwhile, Teen Son and Teen Daughter had been fighting over something and he swore unpleasant, sneaky revenge. I said:
Uloo ka patta translates to ‘muscle of owl’. I don’t know why it is a bad word. The intricacies of foreign language.
I have never in all my life, met anyone as messy or lazy as teen daughter. I may have said:
They all participate in the Royal Rumble regularly:
At the end of the day, bedtime reassurance comes with lots of hugs and kisses:
I thank my children for keeping life interesting and giving me multiple personality disorder.
~
Your Turn:
Do you swear around your children?
Have they picked up bad words?
Did your parents curse in your presence?
muscle of owl… my new favourite bleep 🙂
and your kids can’t make you feel guilty about it!
Thank you dear ladies. Made my day sooo much better.
🙂 glad to have been able to
I think this is a great post. I really like the intro as I can relate to part of it. “She writes best-selling novels that will sell best when they are written.”
I can so relate to that one.
Thanks. Here is to all the writers of best selling novels*cheers*. The world is patiently awaiting the incredible literary storm we will unleash upon it. Soon.
I loved this post. She’s a great writer. My father NEVER swore. My mother swore like a trooper. I never swore around my daughter. However, she swears like a truck driver or some low-life character around her two lovely daughters, who do not swear. The F-word is a staple of my daughter’s vocabulary. But my granddaughters don’t swear or even use mildly profane language. As my daughter tells them when they point out to her that I don’t swear, “it skips a generation.” I guess so. But then her father also also swears. “Muscle of owl” is a new one to me.
🙂 Glad you enjoyed the post. I do try to avoid the F-word and replace it with fudgecicle wherever possible.
We TRY not to swear around the children. I have managed to step down from “Sh*t!” to “Crap!” to “Balls!” to the current “Bumpers!” It has taken 4 years to make that much progress and I am no longer taken seriously at work (“Bumpers! That report is so late!” does not inspire, apparently). And yet, despite all my hard work, my 2 year old son said to me just last night, “No, Mommy! God Dam* it!” …in the sweetest little voice. Ah bumpers…
O m gosh they are so cute when they swear! Until you get the phone call from school.
I’m in the middle of a best-selling book as well… I may never finish it because this may be the only phase in which it’s a best seller.
Also, I love the idea that it’s your children who make you who you are. I may have to ponder that awhile.
Good luck with your book (do finish it!)
My family is French-Canadian. Interestingly, the “dirtiest” things you can say in Canadian French all have to do with Catholicism. “Sacrament” and “tabernacle” are, like, wash-your-mouth-out awful.
Growing up we took lots of family car camping trips on, shall we say, the “byways” East of the Mississippi. Dad is an excellent driver, but mom is a nervous car passenger…. lots of “mon dieu seigneur” (my lord god) outta her. Couldn’t really tell if it was the Franco version of “holy sh*t” or if she genuinely thought she was going to die because dad was close to the soft shoulder, and so was pleading to the Lord in her last moments.
maudit!
Sounds like how my mom & dad were during road trips–minus the French expressions.
My kids scold me and my wife for using bad words. Great post.
🙂 I think the swear jar is a good idea, and the kids get to use the coins for ice cream. Then they will you encourage you to exercise your right to freedom of expression.
I will attest that 98% of the poop you cleaned up was from the guinea pigs. How an animal can poop more than it eats is beyond me.
I think their reproduction rate is pretty amazing too!
I don’t think I ever swore around my kids when they were young. Once they were in college I started letting it fly!!!
That’s a good idea, conserving it all for when they are mature enough to appreciate it more 🙂
I ‘bleeping’ love this! I’m so using Uloo ka Pattas when I next yell at my kids.
Thanks for the laugh.
Thanks. I didn’t realize how educational this would be!
I raised 3 sons. My middle son started sleep walking around 3. He would get up in the middle of the night and play with his toys, cussing up a blue streak. He never cussed while awake. I learned a slang French phrase that I often used. They never knew I was calling them stupid. Q’vous et bet. That’s how it sounds; I probably have the spelling wrong. I’ll keep your Uloo ka Pattas in mind for the next time. I love your sense of humor.
Basic knowledge of foreign languages can prove so useful!
Hilarious as expected. You fwo musr meet some time.
Hey fancy meeting you here! I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Yikes I sound drunk!
😉 isokayyyherehavanother
Thanks Leanne for letting me visit and being a hog to reply to every comment, I really enjoyed it. I even liked my own post which I realize is pretty lame (like “liking” your own comments on facebook 😛 ) but that is what loony people do.
Ha. A pleasure to host you, Khaula. You fit in well here!
I almost “liked” the post too…
I normally don’t swear but having children has now gotten me to swear in my mind…or at least when my husband is not around.
A cute piece of writing Khaula. I loved the way you finished it:) Well, Im from Pakistan( living in UK). Punjabi is my mother tongue, Urdu second language and then I struggle with English. I used to swear at my younger siblings( being their baji ( eldest sister) it was my right lol) but somehow I didn’t do well in there for my 3.5 years Dania:) Whenever I tried to be even wee angry to her, she gives me a look which says, I cant believe you can say or do that to me! So i just couldnt improve my swearing skills on her 🙂 I do call my hubby khabees sometimes but it is usually with love!!! Anyway, enjoyed your writing.
This post was awesome!!! Hilarious!
Oh I love this post! I doubt I will remember to say uloo ka pattas, but muscle of owl is unforgettable haha. My parents swore in front of me daily, and I’ve only been busted by my girl twice in nine years. I win!
I frequently call my kids ‘saale’ because they don’t really know what it means! 😛
Wonderful post Khaula! Your opening statement is similar to the motto I’ve often seen on bumper stickers: Insanity is hereditary–you get it from your children. I’m sure I swore in front of my daughter, but since she’s rapidly approaching 21, I can’t remember any specific occassion. Both my parents certainly swore around me and my siblings. My dad’s favorite expression was “Jumped up J.C.!” Especially while driving.