This week’s guest blogger is Jennifer Hoffman. Jennifer is a working mom trying her best to stay sober until her kids hit age 18. Her triumphs and failures are chronicled in Living the Minivan Dream — a blog for any woman who strives for perfection as a mom, wife, and career woman (while never quite achieving it). Check out the latest antics of her kids, husband, co-workers and tune it for what she is drinking next.
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Don’t Touch the …
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Have you ever noticed that husbands are extensions of your children? You likely have or you would never need to read any of these blogs.
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Well, my darling husband of 17 years decided that we just had to have a dog (he blamed it on our daughter). We have moved a few times (check previous blogs for the craziness of the last five years of our lives – it is sure to entertain) so we have not been able to commit to a dog. Finally, we are settled, and my hubby just had to agree with our seven year old that a puppy must join our family.
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The first part of this adventure began when we went to pick up this new puppy.
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We looked at an ad on Craigslist. We see this adorable little mutt and decide to go look. Here is where my husband’s genius unfolds — he decides to take the kids with us. In other words, no matter what the dog or owner is like, we have to take this dog.
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We pull up to a gas station and make this very clandestine transaction — money for dog — then hightail it out of there before I could think too hard about the lack of teeth in the previous owner’s mouth. We call our vet before getting out of the parking lot (luckily all is well, though the breed is still up for debate).
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Weeks of dog training ensue: training the dog to go outside to use the bathroom, to sleep in a kennel, to stop chewing the carpet and my toes, and to be well-behaved. I figure we have failed doing all of these with the kids, so this may be our last shot. My kids are taking this is stride, by basically ignoring any duties that pertain to the dog or its training..
Today was the best, though. My darling seven year old sat on the couch watching TV, and very nonchalantly stated, “Mom, the dog just pooped on the couch. I’ll just put it in the trash.”
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I unwisely assumed that she would get a paper towel or some type of picking-up device to remove the poop from the couch, but that would only happen in a normal house. Instead, I walked into the living room, stopped, and screamed:
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Who knew that I would actually have to verbalize this ever in my life?
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Welcome to my world. And people wonder why I drink so much.
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Your turn:
What phrase have you ever said to kids that starts with “Don’t touch…”?
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What phrase should someone say to you that starts with “Don’t touch…”?
What phrase have you ever said to kids that starts with “Don’t touch…”?
or
What phrase should someone say to you that starts with “Don’t touch…”?
I’ll spare you too many details, but I don’t shower with my four year old son anymore after having to tell him repeatedly “don’t touch daddy’s….!!” It’s like he knows when I’m shampooing that my guard is down a little bit. Nasty booger. Go tell your mother she can touch it though, anytime please. Lol.
I’d say that’s a victory right there, as dog poop is one of the worst smelling things the world has to offer. If she’s willing to scoop it up into her hand without gagging, you’ve pretty much guaranteed a poop-scoop-free life for yourself. Theoretically.
What scares me are the things that I don’t know she touches and picks up! Thanks for commenting!
Since I don’t have kids yet, I’m going to say this: Ewwww…. When I do have kids and they touch poo, please feel free to post the same comment.
Oh, trust me, there will be lots of “EWWWW” moments when children come for you! But it leads to great writing material! Thanks for commenting!
I enjoyed reading this entry! I too ended up getting a puppy (with behavioral issues) last year on a sort-of whim. But I’d take it as a good sign that your seven year old actually attempted to clean up, no matter how gross! Most kids would have just asked Mom to do this!
We have two pups so I can relate with this totally! One of mine is fascinated with poop. I don’t know why – it’s disgusting – but he’s like, “what? – what’s the problem?”
I think my ultimate parenting “Don’t” was:
“Don’t clean your penis with your toothbrush.”
Don’t poke your sister with your banana…(actual fruit). Seriously. Like everyday.
I just got couch covers because I was tired of people touching poop on the couch. Now I just throw that crap in the laundry. (Pun totally intended.) Oh, and we don’t have a dog. The poop is from wild diaper changes. 🙂
Your nipples aren’t broken, now leave them alone! and Get that away from the dogs bottom..
When my twins were small they needed to tap, tug, hit,poke or whatever to get my attention because there is so much noise made by the other three that I often just turn my ears off. They used to only reach my butt so, “Don’t touch my butt, for God’s sake stop poking my butt!”
Don’t touch your sister’s eyeball, I don’t care if it looks like a grape. For real I had to say that.
My Mind has gone blank but I’m sure I have a few..I’m still laughing from all these comments. Thank you all.
First of all, that dog is absolutely adorable! With the experiences I’ve had in my family with my dad, I can definitely understand how husbands are extensions of your children. My mom will go saying she has had two kids in her life (me and my dad). Taking care of various cousins and parent’s kids over the years, I’ve definitely had some “Don’t touch” moments I’d rather not think about, and some which are most likely locked away deep down into my subconscious, waiting to come out when I need a good laugh. Ah memories.
Some of my favorites are: “Don’t use your sister’s toothbrush.” “Don’t use the toilet brush to wash the dog.” “Don’t hang off the bed with your head on the floor!” And so forth.
Congratulations on your book by the way (I’m late on my part I know)! I’m waiting for my copy in the mail but I cannot wait to share some smiles. 🙂
“Please stop sucking on screws” followed by “Do not lick the window”
followed by “That’s not a rock. It’s dried poop. Play with something else”
My twin girls have really given me a run for the money.