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13 Ways to Destroy an Elf on the Shelf

December 2012, before my on-air rant about the Elf on the Shelf
Minutes before my on-air rant about the Elf on the Shelf (Dec 2012)

I’m pretty sure the Zombie Apocalypse will start with the undead infiltrating our homes . . . as elves on our shelves.

If you don’t know what this toy is (besides an invention that’s made somebody wealthy), it’s a creepy-looking elf that “spies” on your child during the day, “reports” back to Santa while your child is sleeping, and then “moves” to a different location in the middle of the night.

Personally, I thought using Santa as a threat was enough to skew behaviour for the short-term. Then along came this Orwellian toy.

~~~

I know it’s hard to kill zombies, but what about sinister elves?

I posed this question to my family over breakfast this morning. I recorded their methods in order as they shouted out murderous suggestions between bites of Cheerios.

(If you’re new to my blog, here’s a legend: Chris = husband, Will = 9yo son, Vivian = 9yo daughter.)

Here are 13 ways to destroy an Elf on the Shelf:

  1. Recycle it with the kids’ art, crafts, and science projects (Me)
  2. Toss it in a garbage bag, tape the bag to an exhaust pipe, and let the minivan idle (Chris)
  3. Drown it in a river (Will)
  4. Throw it into a wood chipper (Will)
  5. Shove it head first down a garburator (Chris)
  6. Take it to a flea market, and let it talk to people (Chris)
  7. Take it to a family reunion (Chris)
  8. Take it to a cocktail party (Chris)
  9. Dress it up like a tree and put it near your neighbour’s yard* (Chris)
  10. Put it on a high shelf and hope it jumps (Vivian)
  11. Throw it into a chimney and wait for Santa (Vivian)
  12. Show it Rob Ford videos (Chris)
  13. Taser it (Will)

* Our neighbour “may” have cut down two of our six-foot-tall saplings while we were out of town because they were taking energy away from his trees…

YOUR TURN: 
What other ways could we resist an Elf Invasion?
How could we slay these sinister creatures?

As always, humour and hyperbole are welcome.

Filed Under: Finding Humor Everywhere

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. masgautsen says

    November 25, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Creapy thing!
    Take it on a vacation far away and leave it there.
    Or burn it and dig the ashes somewhere far from your house.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      Note to self: book a vacation.

      Reply
  2. Bill says

    November 25, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Simple. Put one on a shelf facing another and let them inform on each other until they explode.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      Ha. Love it, Bill!

      Reply
    • Bill Cypher says

      December 4, 2016 at 5:07 pm

      How would they inform each other to death? They move throughout the house at night,
      looking for somewhere to sit and spy on your kids. THEY WOULD MOVE.

      Reply
  3. SaraBeth says

    November 25, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Elf on the Shelf Fireplace channel…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 7:59 pm

      I can only imagine…

      Reply
      • jacob gibson says

        December 1, 2021 at 12:52 pm

        send the elf on the shelf to a supermassive black hole and yeet him there

        Reply
  4. Larry Hehn says

    November 25, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Give it a “Thing 3” t-shirt and a multi-colored parka. Wait for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to throw it into a pit, then sell it into slavery.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 7:59 pm

      I think you’re onto something, Larry.

      Reply
  5. Justin Knight says

    November 25, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    I think you’re fine as long as the “lifeless” members of the household don’t outnumber you.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:00 pm

      Ahh! What if it reproduces?

      Reply
  6. Sue LeBreton says

    November 25, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Oh I loved our Elf on the Shelf days. When we would forget to move him my husband and I would blame the dog. Poor Elf tried to move but Oscar scared him into staying right there.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:02 pm

      That’s brilliant. Great inventing.

      Reply
  7. superSAHD (@supersahd) says

    November 25, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    I vote the wood chipper.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:03 pm

      I’m on your side.

      Reply
  8. Michelle says

    November 25, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Holy water.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:06 pm

      And visions of The Exorcist dance in my head!

      Reply
  9. Aimee says

    November 25, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Force it to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives. (I believe Tea Party members are receiving “Clean Coal” for Christmas.)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:07 pm

      There are times I’m thankful to be Canadian (and then along comes Rob Ford…)

      Reply
  10. Pacific Merchants says

    November 25, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    This isn’t something we ever did as a kid, but from what I’ve seen, the elf on the shelf is terrifying. Here are a few of mine. dress it up like a chestnut and roast it on an open fire. Dress it up like a cookie and feed it to santa (he’s in a rush and he won’t notice.) Hide it in the garbage can so he can inform on the garbage man. Dress it up like a tennis ball and throw it to the dogs. Put it in a bottle and throw it to sea. In 20 years it’ll wash up on shore and be someone else’s problem.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:07 pm

      Fantastic ideas! Hmm…wonder what it’d say about the garbage collector…

      Reply
  11. shenrydafrankmann says

    November 25, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Take it to a Cubs game.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:08 pm

      Especially during off-season…

      Reply
      • shenrydafrankmann says

        November 26, 2013 at 1:33 pm

        It might be more interesting during offseason.

        Reply
  12. m0mtales says

    November 25, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    How long before I can’t just walk by this creepy little creature in the toy store? I figure I have at least 3 years to become creative.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:08 pm

      Maybe the elf will come to your house. That’d be creepy.

      Reply
  13. Clay Morgan (@ClayMorganPA) says

    November 25, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Brilliant =) I’ll piggyback off #9 and go simple. Leave it outside. You’re in Canada. Exposure will get it.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:09 pm

      This is true. Our weather reporters could judge windchill based on the Elf’s demise.

      Reply
  14. Jan Moyer says

    November 25, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I’m scared to get one. It will spill all the secrets about what I eat after the boys go to bed. They already suspect too much.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:10 pm

      Sigh. I hear your pain. Or I feel it around my expanding waist.

      Reply
  15. The Hook says

    November 25, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Place your elf in front of the TV and leave it there to watch Kardashian reruns on a loop.
    It’ll take its own life in minutes.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 8:11 pm

      Ha! Kardashian is a half-rhyme of bash-your-head-in.

      Reply
  16. LillianC says

    November 25, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Stuff its clothing with catnip and let the felines dismember it.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 25, 2013 at 9:01 pm

      I love how you think.

      Reply
      • LillianC says

        November 25, 2013 at 9:28 pm

        Thank you! Always happy to help.

        Reply
  17. text me, love mom says

    November 25, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    Weird to read about this creepy little Elf on the Shelf dude tonight when just this morning I was telling my husband about him and marvelling how new commercial ‘traditions’ can be added to Christmas. Sorta a Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena-we’ll not quite that…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 26, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Ha. Maybe it’s Two Shades of Grey…

      Reply
  18. mammaspeaks says

    November 26, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Ha ha ha…very funny

    Reply
  19. JR Madill Forasteros says

    November 26, 2013 at 6:33 am

    I would say you could either play it the new Kanye album (maybe just name it “Kimye”? OR you could get two and have them watch each other. See who flinches first.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 26, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Brilliant ideas, though I may have to destroy myself first.

      Reply
  20. Smplefy says

    November 26, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Send it to your relatives in a far off country.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      November 26, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Norway!

      Reply
      • Smplefy says

        November 26, 2013 at 7:41 pm

        Yes Way!

        Reply
  21. Gord says

    November 26, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Take the elf to the Calgary Zoo and while amidst a crowd yell out ” Hey who’s that girl with the big foam finger ” and while everyone is looking for Miley , skyhook Mr. elf into the tiger enclosure.

    Reply
  22. Gord says

    November 26, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Abduct an elf and send a magazine letter cut out ransom note to the North Pole on the premise that if your demands are not met within 3 days , the elf will be force-fed a 2 litre bottle of cola like Will Ferrell in the movie Elf and have his mouth duct-taped shut.Add to this by including an impossible demand like world peace or for the North pole to produce Jimmy Hoffa’s leg.

    Reply
  23. Highchairs and Headaches says

    November 26, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Place him at the entrance to a Walmart right before they open for Black Friday.

    Reply
  24. cooper says

    November 27, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Chris and Will get top honors for their suggestions…
    Send it to Dick Cheney (we need to keep an eye on him)
    Accidentally leave it under a falling axe
    Microwave on high for 2 minutes

    Reply
  25. Jody Robbins says

    November 27, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    What about taking it to the office Christmas party? Who knows how it might let lose on the photocopier after a few drinks…

    Reply
  26. quirkywritingcorner says

    December 12, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I was going to tell you to give it to the dog or cat. There is a chance that they may merely lie on the floor in front of it and stare.
    I also like the microwave and office party. If you go for the microwave, put it on a disposable plate; otherwise, there’s a mess to clean up. If you take it to the office party, make sure no one sees you with it; or you’re liable to find it on your desk come Monday morning.
    Or, you could stick it in a gift bag and hang it on the tree as an ornament. It’s being useful and hidden. When all the guests are ready to go simply slip it in with their other gifts.

    Reply
  27. quirkywritingcorner says

    December 12, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Reblogged this on quirkywritingcorner and commented:
    I never knew this elf was so sinister.

    Reply
  28. rachelmeeks says

    December 13, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I’m dying, omg. Too funny!

    Reply
  29. Lindsey (Currie) Dubois says

    December 20, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    The creepiest thing I’ve ever heard of is the elf on the shelf. It actually makes me sad that parents would actually buy that thing in order to keep their kids under control. I’m not a parent, but I know the parenting thing is a hard job that requires 24 hour a day of WORK. Kids shouldn’t be scared or shamed to behave…. Life is a process of learning and no one-child or adult- should ever feel like their every move is being watched and judged. I like Vivian’s idea of putting it on a high shelf….

    Reply

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