I’m pretty sure the Zombie Apocalypse will start with the undead infiltrating our homes . . . as elves on our shelves.
If you don’t know what this toy is (besides an invention that’s made somebody wealthy), it’s a creepy-looking elf that “spies” on your child during the day, “reports” back to Santa while your child is sleeping, and then “moves” to a different location in the middle of the night.
Personally, I thought using Santa as a threat was enough to skew behaviour for the short-term. Then along came this Orwellian toy.
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I know it’s hard to kill zombies, but what about sinister elves?
I posed this question to my family over breakfast this morning. I recorded their methods in order as they shouted out murderous suggestions between bites of Cheerios.
(If you’re new to my blog, here’s a legend: Chris = husband, Will = 9yo son, Vivian = 9yo daughter.)
Here are 13 ways to destroy an Elf on the Shelf:
- Recycle it with the kids’ art, crafts, and science projects (Me)
- Toss it in a garbage bag, tape the bag to an exhaust pipe, and let the minivan idle (Chris)
- Drown it in a river (Will)
- Throw it into a wood chipper (Will)
- Shove it head first down a garburator (Chris)
- Take it to a flea market, and let it talk to people (Chris)
- Take it to a family reunion (Chris)
- Take it to a cocktail party (Chris)
- Dress it up like a tree and put it near your neighbour’s yard* (Chris)
- Put it on a high shelf and hope it jumps (Vivian)
- Throw it into a chimney and wait for Santa (Vivian)
- Show it Rob Ford videos (Chris)
- Taser it (Will)
* Our neighbour “may” have cut down two of our six-foot-tall saplings while we were out of town because they were taking energy away from his trees…
YOUR TURN:
What other ways could we resist an Elf Invasion?
How could we slay these sinister creatures?
As always, humour and hyperbole are welcome.
Creapy thing!
Take it on a vacation far away and leave it there.
Or burn it and dig the ashes somewhere far from your house.
Note to self: book a vacation.
Simple. Put one on a shelf facing another and let them inform on each other until they explode.
Ha. Love it, Bill!
How would they inform each other to death? They move throughout the house at night,
looking for somewhere to sit and spy on your kids. THEY WOULD MOVE.
Elf on the Shelf Fireplace channel…
I can only imagine…
send the elf on the shelf to a supermassive black hole and yeet him there
Give it a “Thing 3” t-shirt and a multi-colored parka. Wait for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to throw it into a pit, then sell it into slavery.
I think you’re onto something, Larry.
I think you’re fine as long as the “lifeless” members of the household don’t outnumber you.
Ahh! What if it reproduces?
Oh I loved our Elf on the Shelf days. When we would forget to move him my husband and I would blame the dog. Poor Elf tried to move but Oscar scared him into staying right there.
That’s brilliant. Great inventing.
I vote the wood chipper.
I’m on your side.
Holy water.
And visions of The Exorcist dance in my head!
Force it to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives. (I believe Tea Party members are receiving “Clean Coal” for Christmas.)
There are times I’m thankful to be Canadian (and then along comes Rob Ford…)
This isn’t something we ever did as a kid, but from what I’ve seen, the elf on the shelf is terrifying. Here are a few of mine. dress it up like a chestnut and roast it on an open fire. Dress it up like a cookie and feed it to santa (he’s in a rush and he won’t notice.) Hide it in the garbage can so he can inform on the garbage man. Dress it up like a tennis ball and throw it to the dogs. Put it in a bottle and throw it to sea. In 20 years it’ll wash up on shore and be someone else’s problem.
Fantastic ideas! Hmm…wonder what it’d say about the garbage collector…
Take it to a Cubs game.
Especially during off-season…
It might be more interesting during offseason.
How long before I can’t just walk by this creepy little creature in the toy store? I figure I have at least 3 years to become creative.
Maybe the elf will come to your house. That’d be creepy.
Brilliant =) I’ll piggyback off #9 and go simple. Leave it outside. You’re in Canada. Exposure will get it.
This is true. Our weather reporters could judge windchill based on the Elf’s demise.
I’m scared to get one. It will spill all the secrets about what I eat after the boys go to bed. They already suspect too much.
Sigh. I hear your pain. Or I feel it around my expanding waist.
Place your elf in front of the TV and leave it there to watch Kardashian reruns on a loop.
It’ll take its own life in minutes.
Ha! Kardashian is a half-rhyme of bash-your-head-in.
Stuff its clothing with catnip and let the felines dismember it.
I love how you think.
Thank you! Always happy to help.
Weird to read about this creepy little Elf on the Shelf dude tonight when just this morning I was telling my husband about him and marvelling how new commercial ‘traditions’ can be added to Christmas. Sorta a Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena-we’ll not quite that…
Ha. Maybe it’s Two Shades of Grey…
Ha ha ha…very funny
I would say you could either play it the new Kanye album (maybe just name it “Kimye”? OR you could get two and have them watch each other. See who flinches first.
Brilliant ideas, though I may have to destroy myself first.
Send it to your relatives in a far off country.
Norway!
Yes Way!
Take the elf to the Calgary Zoo and while amidst a crowd yell out ” Hey who’s that girl with the big foam finger ” and while everyone is looking for Miley , skyhook Mr. elf into the tiger enclosure.
Abduct an elf and send a magazine letter cut out ransom note to the North Pole on the premise that if your demands are not met within 3 days , the elf will be force-fed a 2 litre bottle of cola like Will Ferrell in the movie Elf and have his mouth duct-taped shut.Add to this by including an impossible demand like world peace or for the North pole to produce Jimmy Hoffa’s leg.
Place him at the entrance to a Walmart right before they open for Black Friday.
Chris and Will get top honors for their suggestions…
Send it to Dick Cheney (we need to keep an eye on him)
Accidentally leave it under a falling axe
Microwave on high for 2 minutes
What about taking it to the office Christmas party? Who knows how it might let lose on the photocopier after a few drinks…
I was going to tell you to give it to the dog or cat. There is a chance that they may merely lie on the floor in front of it and stare.
I also like the microwave and office party. If you go for the microwave, put it on a disposable plate; otherwise, there’s a mess to clean up. If you take it to the office party, make sure no one sees you with it; or you’re liable to find it on your desk come Monday morning.
Or, you could stick it in a gift bag and hang it on the tree as an ornament. It’s being useful and hidden. When all the guests are ready to go simply slip it in with their other gifts.
Reblogged this on quirkywritingcorner and commented:
I never knew this elf was so sinister.
I’m dying, omg. Too funny!
The creepiest thing I’ve ever heard of is the elf on the shelf. It actually makes me sad that parents would actually buy that thing in order to keep their kids under control. I’m not a parent, but I know the parenting thing is a hard job that requires 24 hour a day of WORK. Kids shouldn’t be scared or shamed to behave…. Life is a process of learning and no one-child or adult- should ever feel like their every move is being watched and judged. I like Vivian’s idea of putting it on a high shelf….