1. A Fixation on Height
Bragging about the height of our children seems to be the latest wave in competitive parenting. Since a child’s potential height is basically predetermined in the womb, this makes as much sense as bragging about a child’s natural hair colour. I don’t really care if a child is going to grow up to be 5’6” or 6’5”. It doesn’t matter and it has nothing to do with parenting, providing the child is getting adequate nutrition.
2. Using a Cutesy-Wutesy Voice
Can we not use our adult voices to speak to children? I’m fine with exagerating gestures, enunciating clearly, and even raising our voices half an octave. But do we need to change the letter L to letter W, and say, “What a wittle cutie, you are?!” And do the ends of our sentences always need to go up in pitch, almost like the questions of this paragraph do?
3. A Life-Is-Beautiful-All-the-Time Outlook
Perhaps I’m jaded, but I like to hear the horror stories, the tales of children biting their mothers, flushing train engines down the toilet, and bazooka barfing at the book store. And I like to hear the tales of parents who manage to walk upright in spite of this. I do not need to know that children make your life even more perfect all of the time. Because Jaded Me doesn’t believe it.
4. Writing from the Perspective of Kids
I talked extensively about this in my Christmas letter rant, but some things need to be reiterated: if your child is not old enough to actually speak, tell me about her in third person not first person.
5. Being Critical of Other Parents
Okay, bring in the Irony Marching Band, because – you guessed it – I just spent 300 words being critical of other parents. Yup, therein lies the convoluted nature of my brain, my argument, and even my parenting.
Now it’s your turn: what annoys you?
#1 cracks me the heck up. I know a lot of people who are all, “My kid is a giant! Have you seen how big my kid is? Wow! My kid sure is big!” I have to wonder if going on and on about the size of your kid is the new way of compensating for a small penis, but even women do it. Who knows what they are trying to accomplish.
Okay, your overcompensating comment nearly made me splatter my tea about.
This is quite funny. I just busrt into uncontrollable laughter and now I look stupid.
That height fixation? I’d forgotten about that. (My kids are now gigantic grade- and middle-schoolers.) I much prefer people who write from the perspective of their dogs rather than their kids.
Great list. Another annoying habit I find is the willingness of parents to immediately blame another child for an incident because, of course, we all know precious widdle dahling couldn’t be at fault.
Yes – well said – I too prefer dog perspectives. Isn’t there a well-reviewed book out now written from the point of view of the dog? “Three Men and a Baby” it is not.
I have been known to slip into strange hybrid, high-toned accents when talking to my baby. Not a cutsey-wutsey voice per say, but all the same odd and disburbing. Must. Stop. Now.
I do weird voice changes too, sometimes (but not cutesy-wootsy). Still, the only way to read the same kids book night after night is to read it with accents (British / Aussie / Irish)…
Ahmen on the voices. I get clearly (even exaggeration when) enunciating, but not mispronunciation. Don’t they need to hear how the word is actually pronounced in order to learn to say it? But it does seem to be a strange motherly impulse, as even as I dislike it, I have a weird name for her sleeping bag (“Sleeepy blankie”). Even as I say it I give my head shake…but I just can’t stop. What is up with that?
I think words invented by kids can become part of a family’s vernacular. When my twins first started speaking, Vivian called William (My-yum) and he even called himself that. We all still sometimes call him My-yum. So, I agree: sleepy blankie is in a different category than “poopsy woopsy, widdle cuddlewumpkins”.
Okay I am a very tall person and so is my hubby and people who brag about their tall children obviously have not had to breastfeed a 11 month old that looks like he has a driver’s licence.
That image made me spew my tea again!
I always find it weird when parents speak for their children when their children are totally of capable for answering for themselves. On the flip side I think it is totally weird and annoying when people ask a baby what his or her name is instead of talking to the parents. They can’t answer. Don’t they know that? As a result it forces parent to answer for their children perpetuating my first point of annoyance.
Great point about the strangers asking a baby for her name. Maybe that’s a new post I’ll write: 5 Stupid Questions Strangers Ask…I’ve got a few up my sleeve.
Okay – I’m totally with you on the cutesy-wootsy & life-is-perfect stuff. Every time I meet a mom like that I can’t help but wonder if there’s a seething Norman Bates lurking under the surface. My snarky pet peeve is people who don’t think before they speak. Not the ‘wow, did you gain weight’ bunch (cause I did gain a little thankyouverymuch), but the parenting advisers who don’t think through their assumptions.
“Little boys just love [insert loud, muddy, manly item here].”
“Little girls just love [insert rosy, shrill, frilly item here].”
“Kids need [insert expensive, brightly coloured brain boosting game, food, video, furniture, wall decal here].”
Each time I hear something like that I have to resist the urge to ask “Why? Why do you think they like it? Is it from the magical Disney womb fairy that visits us all on conception?”
Other mom’s pet peeves? Probably bitchy moms who always ask “Why?”.
Gender assumptions also annoy me massively. You could almost say they make me “hysterical.” With boy-girl twins, I get a lot of them. “Bitchy moms” comment mad me laugh. We couldn’t possibly be anyone’s pet peeves…
#4 Drives me bananas! #5 drives me bananas too, because I am totally guilty.
We could form a group…Moms Who Are Critical of Critical Moms…
I have a hard time with those moms that feel the need of letting you know their kids did everything earlier than mine: Exp: , my baby has her first teeth at 7 months, abnoxius mamma: really? My baby did it a 5 months, yours is a little bit behind! Ça m’enerve!! That’s not only stupid but mean! Don’t they understand that every baby goes at his own rythim? They are not in competition, as a lot of moms seems to be! Because of that I just don’t say ANYTHING of my baby to them!
I agree. I often think we should ask those parents, “So, how long were you breastfed? When did you get your first tooth? Oh, that explains it.” Thanks for commenting.
Argh. I hate anything that has to do with comparing children! Height… now come on now! That is just soooo silly. Gah. All that stuff – hate it, no thank you. Also hate the ‘everything is wonderuful la-di-da’ sort of (fake) outlook on life. Who are these people???
I seldom say anything about my children’s height — I just leave it to other people. Because they are tall, there is simply no two ways about it. Oh well, so am I.
As to the high pitched voice, studies have actually shown that talking in the manner actually helps babies learn. they pay more attention to the higher tone. You don’t have to spew nonsense, of course, but the higher tone catches babies’ (infants’) attention.
Everything else, I’m with you. I look over the majority of blogs by moms that I read, and they aren’t talking about how rosey everything is. Parenting is full of anxiety and fear and tough times. As well as joy and love and so on. But I feel better knowing I’m not alone in the trenches.
I think that being critical of other parenting styles is almost unavoidable. We all feel so strongly about it, how could we not have strong opinions? I think keeping the ole mouth shut is the important thing. I work hard to keep my opinions to myself, and I really appreciate it when other parents do, too.
Great list! Another irritating thing about mothers is the tendency the over-praise their cutesy-wutesy. For example, “have you seen how clever she is? She can work the remote control.” My silent response? “Get a life dimwit, that cutesy-wutesy spends 6 hrs per day behind the TV set.”