Last week I received a notification.
I grieved, all stages. First I denied it. Then I bargained. Eventually I accepted it.
There was no way out: I would have to do a fifteen minute craft with children ages three to six. At church.
*
I ponder. It’s Lent. Shouldn’t these kids be giving up fun activities?
But crafts are not fun.
Thus begins my walk through the desert.
*
I search the web. I curse.
I google “Lenten crafts for idiots.”
I refine my search to “Easy Lenten crafts for preschoolers.” On a good day, my craft skills are comparable to an average three-year-old, providing her stubby fingers have little experience with scissors. Maybe I can do this.
I search some more; I curse some more.
I spy a paper craft that doesn’t involve scissors, only folding and tearing.
What could possibly go wrong?
*
I pack purple paper. And stickers. Nothing says Lent like stickers of angels and dolphins.
We arrive before the service starts. Vivian and William are unsure what to do when we aren’t sneaking in the back during the first hymn. We sit.
*
I get the nod. Activity time. Off we go.
I plod down the hallway, with two of my disciples following.
I arrive at the table and set it.
Vivian and William tend the toys, like shepherds watching their flock.
“I don’t think anyone else is coming today,” I’m told. My eyes widen. “We’ll just wait a few minutes.”
William starts zinging toy cars across the table. I watch them go off the cliff and think of Thelma and Louise.
“Well, it’s just your two kids,” I’m told. “Normally, we like to have two adults in the room, but since they’re your kids I guess I can go.”
I nod and watch her leave.
*
We begin the activity. My audience is amazed, mostly because their mother is doing a craft.
The sticker assembly line churns into full-scale action.
Vivian starts colour-coding the stickers; William starts plastering them everywhere.
“Not on the table,” I say.
“Mom,” he says, “have you ever had a burping contest?”
Non-Sequitur Boy is in the building.
I crawl under the table and start picking up sticker garbage and wayward pieces.
“Mom,” William asks. “I want another fairy.”
I emerge. I say:
“Oh.”
I give him an angel.
He and Vivian hold up their crosses. They look too happy for Lent.
No matter.
It is finished.
Feel free to comment, commiserate, or condole.
I’m guest posting every Wednesday this month at Sweetspot.ca. If you want to check out my thoughts on today’s bizarre holidays (National Near Miss Day and National Chip and Dip Day), click here.
Also, Clay Morgan is hosting round two of March Movie Madness over at Educlaytion. I’m backing The King’s Speech and I need you to go vote for it so The Firthdom makes it to the Final Four. Come on, all ye Firth fans and wannabes, help me out. Click here.
Hilarious. I love you and your kids!
Aww, thanks. I love them too, most of the time. 😉
“They look too happy for lent…” Ha!
Also? I L.O.V.E. that William thought he was gluing dolphins and fairies on his cross.
Yay, God!
You are too funny, my friend.
Dolphins and fairies: yup. The Church of Disney.
“Vivian and William are unsure what to do when we aren’t sneaking in the back during the first hymn.” So funny! And, um, the story of my life. At least on Sundays; they don’t sing hymns at the dentist, but I am always late there, too.
Enjoyed reading, you are soso clever.
Love your line “They don’t sing hymns at the dentist.” William likely would. He seems to sing everywhere.
And I thank you for the clever compliment; today, my brain feels like gray fuzz. “Clever” has left the building.
Another one of my new all-time faves. You make me think I should become an agent because I tell everybody about your stuff all the time anyways.
And I like the backup plan as dolphins for the Jesus fish. I’ll work up some bumper stickers to go along with the “fairy of the Lord.” Or is it the ArchFairy?
I’ll take your agent, and raise you one publisher.
I’ll be waiting for the bumper sticker.
I love this piece so much. And I have to tell you, I am the craft Queen! I adore doing all kinds of art projects – especially really complicated, messy ones.
I might have hauled out the beads and had the kids “Make Your Own Rosaries.” (*Picture beads everywhere.) What? Not Catholic? No problem! We could have tie-dyed and had a contest to see whose final result most resembled Jesus’ face hidden in the cloth. (*Picture seriously stained hands and if carpet, yeah, that, too.) Ooh, you could buy a whole bunch of different colored green pipe cleaners and have the wee one’s make their own “crown of thorns” as pipe cleaners naturally poke.
So many crafty options from one Jewess! 😉
By the way, you are a really good mom. Look at the sacrifices you made. You should eat some chocolate.
Do you think I could just make toast next time? Didn’t someone once try to sell a piece of toast that had Mary’s face on it?
Re “so many crafty options from one Jewess”: you are welcome at my house anytime. I’d even buy you a glue gun and get in monogrammed.
hee, hee “Nothing says Lent like stickers of angels and dolphins.” I agree completely! The other disciples missed out.
Thomas may not have doubted so much if there were dolphins. 😉
I just loved this so much because I am completely craft challenged! 🙂
Welcome to the anti-craft club!
I feel your pain, Leanne…I’d rather eat my own eyeballs than do a craft with kids…now baking with them is fun (the kids, not the eyeballs!).
Wendy
Your eyeball/kid clarification made me laugh. Baking eyeballs would be something my son would do.
I once had an epic fail as a Sunday school teacher, in which all the little girls went home with drawings of Jezebel instead of the BVM. BUT that’s not what I wanted to tell you. What I wanted to tell you is this: When we were living in Paris, we took my sister and her husband, a geologist, to the Louvre. We walked through that entire wing of pre-modern, mostly religious, paintings and collapsed, exhausted on a couch, at which point C asked: What IS it with all those fat flying babies”?
Cherubs.
Clue me in, Lorraine. BVM = ?
And “fat flying babies” has me laughing out loud. C had a point.
Bwahahaha! Don’t they have a craft class in teacher school?? =)
I trained in junior/senior high so I wouldn’t have to cut or colour. Seriously. And maybe because older kids get sarcasm.
Bahahaha! “But crafts are not for fun.” We are soul sisters.
Thanks for linking up to my blog!
Thanks, Morgan. Glad I discovered your blog via Twitter. If you dislike crafts, we are soul sisters indeed!
A few hours warning to cut and paste..not bad……wait until they are teens and a required universe is due made out of cookie dough…….
Loved it!
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I am not looking forward to massive projects. I still remember gluing grass onto plywood for my Grade 7 history project.
Thanks for stopping by!
I used to be in charge of the kids activities at my church. We had one every quarter. 30-50 kids. The unfair part is that Mormons don’t drink.
Maybe I should have searched for the communion wine. Or called on Jesus to do something with my bottle of water.
Oh, I laughed so hard, reading this! You are a rockstar for even ATTEMPTING a craft – and at church, no less. God is proud, my sister.
Laughing, but proud.
P.S. BVM = Blessed Virgin Mary.
There. Between the board game version of “The DaVinci Code” and knowing this, my Catholic school education has paid for itself.
The light bulb has gone off in my head. Spot the Protestant. (It’s a Reformation version of Where’s Waldo).
After you said “I ponder” I felt like they’re should have been elipses. Sorry, Lent crankiness. 😉 I think your craft turned out great and from one non-crafter to another – I understand and I am proud of you!
Ellipses are a daily temptation for me. Although it is actually getting easier. Easier than crafts, that’s for sure.
I’m bowing in admiration 🙂
Thanks, Christine!
Awesome job on the halos for Thing 1 and Thing 2, Leanne! Maybe you aren’t so craft challenged after all…?
I’m a master with foil. Case in point: I bake a mean potato.
Great blog title, by the way!
Thanks!
I’ve done church crafts once. Once, because that’s all it took for God to remind me that my talents do not lie in patience with children of any age; at least the ones at church.
I take that back…I spent a disastrous week being a volunteer leader for VBS. I have no children, but my church needed volunteers. Children in small groups of one or two think I’m a hoot because I can make the appropriate car crash noises when we play with Matchbox cars or tell silly stories (lies) about their parents when their parents were that little or make goofy faces while eating sour candy.
But the week of VBS was bad. The other team leader was a mother of one of our kids whose best friend was also in the group. She was a loud and bossy little girl who pushed people out of the way and sassed back at everybody. By day 3 I’d had enough and I told her that she needed to be quiet and sit down or I was taking her to the kitchen where her mother was volunteering. The other team leader looked at me as if I had suddenly grown horns. She didn’t talk to me the rest of VBS. Which is hard when you are both supposed to be leaders and help each other out.
So yeah….I don’t volunteer to help with children any more at church. Middle school, junior or senior high kids are cool. There we can incorporate video games into Sunday School lessons and I can learn how to beat the level I’m stuck on in Halo.
I had to immediately Google “lenten crafts for idiots” – and this is the top choice! 🙂