This week’s post-from-the-archives originally appeared in November 2009; it marked only the seventh time I hit publish. Vivian and William, of course, are now 7, and they still talk about getting a pet. They also talk about flying to the moon on a broomstick.
My 5-year-old twins desperately want a pet. They’d love a cat, but they know their father is seriously allergic to any fluff ball. So they’ve settled on a dog. I try to avoid this debate about pets, because the odds are pretty even. When my husband’s home, it’s two against two; when he’s out, we might have quorum but Vivian and William have a definite majority.
(cc) Olaszmelo, used under a Creative Commons ShareAlike License
I don’t want a dog because I don’t want more work. I’ve already taught two kids not to pee on the floor: been there, done that. I’m still working on the don’t-lick-your-plate thing, especially when company’s over. To attempt to silence the issue, I’ve used the Distant Future Strategy; in other words, I’ve told them they can’t get a dog until they’re ten years old. I’m banking on them forgetting about it over the next five years. That’s unlikely, though, given that I first informed them about this arbitrary rule last year, and they still remember. About every second day, one of them says, “I wish we were ten, Mom…”
They’ve taken the dog-theme to heart. A couple of weeks ago, I caught them playing fetch with each other. Days later, William barked and licked his sister. (Evidently, I need to expand the don’t-lick-your-plate rule to include people). After being licked on the leg, Vivian responded by saying, “Nice doggie.”
In this relentless pursuit of getting a dog, Vivian and William have adopted a clever marketing tactic: if you can’t close the big sale, go for a bunch of smaller ones.
Today, they harped about fish and hamsters. Their dad said, “I’ll give you half a hamster. If you keep it alive, I’ll give you the other half.”
The kids looked at him, horror-stricken.
Adapted from (cc) Anita, used under a Creative Commons ShareAlike License
“How would we get half a hamster?” William asked.
“Carefully,” said his dad.
“Dad, we can’t keep half a hamster alive,” Vivian said, “it’d be dead.”
“You’re right.”
SPCA people, he was kidding. I’m almost sure.
*
Pet stories, anyone?
We have 3 dogs. They are tiny. But still… My daughter (the animal lover) is now begging for a guinea pig. Lord help me! 3 dogs and 4 kids is about 5 more live creatures than I can handle.
Hilarious stuff.
Your own menagerie. I like your math. Makes me laugh!
You should get a devon rex! They’re like a dog, except hypoallergenic!
See!
Is it me, or are they a bit ugly? I think they’d eat my ear for breakfast and then burp it up for lunch.
Don’t do it! My oldest son plastered a litany of reasons as to why we should get a dog on post its and plastered them all over his walls. It appears he was just kidding and now I have added one more velcro, co-dependent being to my life!
Dog people, don’t hate me for being honest or for despising being licked by something other than my husband.
Your last paragraph had me spit out my Cheerios. Love that.
Tell your kids that dogs eat their own poop and then they will want to lick your face .
Brilliant. What’s another lie?
It’s not a lie.
Mother Hen
Sigh.
DS2 will be the death of me – he loves all animals, especially horses and dogs. In fact, not long ago, he tried to bargain for a dog:
“If I stop pooping in my pants, can we have a dog?”
My reply, as my boys are named Matthew, Mark and Luke respectively:
“Yes. If we can name it John.”
“John?”
“John.”
“Ok.”
Thankfully – thankfully?!?! – dude still poops his drawers so we’re still John-less around here…
You know, there’s a big pun with “john” waiting to be used…
Okay, so you are setting me up, right. Smooth Shirtliffe. Smoooooth. 😉
You know I’m going to agree with Aspen Real Life: Don’t. Do. It.
You will be the one cleaning up after it. You will be the one walking it. You will be the one running to the vet when it swallows the hair scrunci. You will be the one taking it to the groomer. You will be the one running out to get dog food when you need to be grading papers.
You need to push that date back about 8 years. When W & V are 18 and living in their own college apartments, then they can each get a dog. Maybe you’ll consider doggie-sitting over school vacations by then, but I wouldn’t lock yourself in to anything. After all, you may be on another book tour. 😉
You’re brilliant. Not only did you spot Wednesday’s set up, but you suggest waiting till they’re 18. Love you.
OMG! I have 4 dogs. 2 tiny dogs and 2 huge dogs. We have had russian dwarf hamsters. (YUK!) I had to wear gloves to touch those things. I was the one to clean the cage too. My husband was the ring leader of purchasing the hamsters. He also wanted the huge condo and tubes going all over the place. Since hubby is OCD I had to disassemble the whole thing, and act like I cared about the vermin. I must have taken given too much care because they lasted longer than the shop keeper told us they would live. To this day I doubt the children know that I did a happy dance in my head after we gave a funeral for the vermin.
The cleaning the cage thing gets to me. Or bowl. I know I’d have to do it. Pretty sure I’d be doing the happy funeral jig myself.
The husband convinced me when we got married that having kids “someday” would be a good thing to do. Still working on that. In the meantime, we got two cats. I love the cats, but they bug the heck out of the husband. I wonder if he thinks children will be easier? I don’t think you can just chuck the children outside when they irritate you.
Or maybe I’m wrong about that.
Friends told us that there’s never a great time to have kids. You just have to do it. Having said that, they’re kind of with you for life…which is the idea…
Before I was married, I always had at least one cat. a couple of days into the honeymoon, my bride discovered that she was much more allergic to my cat than she previously thought, so I found Corey (the cat) a new home. My wife says that she’d like a dog — her father used to own dogs — but everytime she’d get near one, she’d act like she was expecting to get her hand chomped any minute. Plus, I think that dogs are a bit too hyper and high-maintenance (poop & scoop…ecch) for my personal taste. I’d like to get a skunk. I’ve heard that they’re kind of cat-like as pets and you save a lot of money on home alarm fees. Just leave the drapes open and let the burglers see a skunk waddling around!
Skunks. When I was young, we tried to raise baby skunks whose mother had been killed (by my dad – that’s another farm story). We had eye droppers and milk and held them in the palms of our hands. They didn’t live long, though, and I wept for their deaths like they’d been with us for years.
Sigh.
Half a hamster!!! 🙂
I know.
Oy. I’m still struggling with pets and my kids. My son walks my daughter around like a dog and she often refuses to eat unless we feed her on a dish on the floor. They’d settle for a cat, but that’s like a 15+ year commitment and I can barely keep the one I have with my husband.
You make me laugh. I so hear you.
I have a cat because they’re less time-consuming than a dog. I’m allergic, too, so I have to take Claritin every day.
Boo and Radley keep asking for a dog. I think Kiefer is hoping they’ll grow out of it. Or we’re going to borrow my brother’s and see how they do at taking care of it.
Our neighbours just got a dog. He’s cute as ever, but my friend says, “I now have another creature who won’t listen to me.”
lol! half a hamster!
It is true… if you get a dog, realize that your kids will love it, cuddle with it, and feed it treats. And walk carefully around the poop it leaves (in the first little while, before house-training sets in) in your living room carpet, and through the pee it leaves on the kitchen floor (thus bringing that pee smell to trek through the rest of the house), and wave goodbye (if even that) as you head out on your new early morning walk with the dog.
It will be yours to clean up after, train, and walk. But they’ll still claim it’s theirs.
once they’re 13 or 14, get them to house-sit for neighbours… after a few weeks of early morning walks, they’ll re-think wanting a dog ‘right now’. Or, they’ll have realized what the responsibility will be like, and a dog would be an ok new member of the family.
I like the house sitting idea. Maybe I should buy an extra house so my kids can look after it…
We’ve had nothing but cats in our house for the last 30 or 35 years. Never more than two. Each of them were very long-lived and one even managed to live for just over 24 years. The shortest lifespan was 13 years. They were indoor cats and we loved them dearly. All we have now is one sorta-calico who once lived with racoons (I think). She doesn’t meow, only ‘chitters’ and she drink water by wetting her paw and licking. “Once this one passes we won’t get another” has been spoken lots of times, but ignored.
I love how you keep getting cats anyway. Although I grew up with cats, I do love the attitude cats bring to a household.
And 24 years? Wow!
I promised my oldest when she was 7, we would start looking for a dog.
She’s 6.
I am trying to pawn off her younger brother (7 months old) as a pet substitute. I am also trying to convince my husband we do NOT want a puppy. I have been cleaning up poop for nearly 7 years now, and I have about 3 more to go, and NO MORE POOP.
No one except for me is buying what I’m selling.
We have cats and my son prefers robots to animals. If he needs playtime, he visit Bobbi and her lab.
My daughter will be the one clamoring for a puppy some day. If she ever gets over her fear.
I can clean up kid crap, but steaming dog poop makes my gag reflex kick in. At least cats cover theirs..
I plan to remain a Cat Only household. They don’t require walking in 107 degree heat.
I’m with Renee on the 18 years old bit.
Every time my wife asks if we can get a dog, I pretend to toss a pair of her shoes out the window, and remind her that she doesn’t even let me walk on the carpet because it messes up the neat vacuum cleaner tracks. And that usually ends the debate for a few weeks.
My parents and sisters all have big dogs, so whenever they visit, Bug gets his dog fix. And I don’t have to be the one getting up at 3am to let one of them out. I’m mean, though. When Bug used to ask for a dog, I’d say, “Nah.”
Love your husband’s “half a hamster” offer…thanks for my morning giggle!
We own one of the suckiest, most neurotic dogs ever, who prefers to poop indoors rather than outside. He still greets us at the door as if we’ve been gone for a month when we come home from work! He’s a huge pain in the butt, but we love him anyway!
Wendy
Your husband is a genius. Half a hamster made my morning. Personally, I was after a puppy to begin with. I just got there in a roundabout way. And lie away, because they are totally lying to you when they tell you they’ll do all the work.
We have two dogs and a long-haired guinea pig (the latter is a BIG NO! I love him now, but oh lord is he high-maintenance.)
We HAVE had also a leopard gecko (beware the expense and hassle of ANY pet with the word “leopard” in its name) and also Beta fish. All of which we killed. Accidentally. (cough.)
Yeah.
I need to work on saying “no.” Or keeping pets alive.
Immediately.
Love the post! I so relate – but instead of two torturing me about the coveted dog, or mouse, or chimpanzee, I have four. Which is absolutely why I don’t need any more creatures in the house….but then again, it’s maybe exactly why I need a creature in the house….something sweet and soothing to hold and pet and lick up my drool as I huddle in a corner babbling about how I was just going through life, minding my own business and Bam! i became the mother of four children and a husband and ….well, you get the picture. I relate.
I want you to know, I could keep half a hamster alive.
hahaha! This is great. thanks for the laugh!
I hope my family never realizes that I’m not really allergic to cats.
“Better Parenting Through Deception”- the title of your book!
I recently found your blog and really dig your style. While you have more content than I can work through in one sitting I have enjoyed bouncing around your archives. This cracked me up and reminded me of this post about my 5 year old daughter:
“Dad, what does F-R-E-E spell?” Me: “Free.” Her: “What does K-I-T-T-E-N-S spell?” Me: “Grass clippings.”
I love that my daughter is learning to read. Today, I was glad she isn’t quite there yet.
(Does “bounce around your archives” sound vaguely dirty? I’m sorry I am still 19 years old between my ears.)