It is finished.
The school year.
I survived. So did my students.
I will remember many things from this past year, including the students who – in hopes of a good grade – declared me “hotter” than Megan Fox. Sycophancy is alive and well, I’m happy to say.
I will remember a group of students finding an inflatable palm tree in my Student Council cabinet and blowing it up. Nothing like a blow-up mascot to entertain eighth and ninth graders in the final two weeks of school.
But there is one particular lesson from this year that I will always remember. We were doing a week long Introduction to Shakespeare unit. The previous day, I had given my eighth graders a handout of Shakespearean insults that the Bard had included in his plays (thanks to the Folger Shakespeare Library for creating brilliant lessons teachers can steal). Students had to take the word “Thou,” follow it with two adjectives from the list, and add a noun to create the best insult they could. That night, they had to memorize their insult and walk into class the next morning and sling it at me with gusto. It was worth a small homework grade. To score perfectly, they had to sound angry.
I’m pretty sure my students enjoyed this assignment. The next day, most of them walked into class, swaggered over to me, and spat out something like this.
Or this.
But I will always remember a student I’ll call Vincent, a boy who greeted me everyday as he walked into class. “Good morning, Ms. Shirtliffe,” he’d say. He’d never join the lunchtime fray in the hallway without thanking me for the class.
Perched on my stool awaiting the onslaught of more insults, I noticed that Vincent paused at the doorway, pulled a sheet of paper from his backpack, and practiced his insult in whispers. Always an honours student, Vincent once again wanted a perfect mark.
He dropped his backpack on his desk. He watched the remaining classmates insult me.
Then he edged forward.
Vincent channeled his inner actor.
He looked me square in the eye, pointed his index finger at me, and said angrily,
It was the slip of a single letter. A consonant blend gone awry.
In the pregnant moment that followed, students collectively inhaled while Vincent – eyes bulging, hands on mouth – stepped backwards.
“I assume you meant scut?” I asked.
And then I laughed. One of those head-on-your-knees, shoulder-shaking, tears-flowing, extended-mix laughs.
“I’m so s-s-sorry,” Vincent said.
I’m confident that – prior to that morning — Vincent had never sworn, let alone called a teacher a slut.
He sat on the floor, then crab-walked to his back-row desk.
Vincent kept apologizing. I kept assuring him it was okay.
Before long he too joined in the laughter.
***
What has made you laugh recently?
That story has made me laugh recently…
😀 Thanks.
This!!! This right here made me laugh recently!!! Was that cheating?? lol
I’m all for cheating (but don’t tell my students).
Me too. This made me howl. Lucky for me, my kids sleep through everything. Before that, it was my goofy dog bringing that sad, sad pentapus to try to get a game of tug with me. He’s ridiculous, and tenacious, and never fails to crack me up.
I can almost see his dog face. It almost makes me wish I had one. Right now, though, I have enough trouble keeping two kids (and myself) alive.
Thou art a hilarious wisp of a wench.
Shakespearean English makes me swoon!
I am still crying with laughter! What a GREAT story – and one for Vincent to use to gain some good street cred one day when he’s having a few beers with his mates. “I called my teacher a slut in Middle School. And I didn’t get suspended or expelled for it”.
A job well done Lee – hotter than Megan Fox AND a slut all in one school year. Now you definitely deserve a holiday. Bring. It. On.
I’m gonna giggle all day on this one, brilliant!
Thanks, Jo. I’m sure you could write a book or two with tales from Grade One…
Hope your Asian summer is treating you right!
What on earth is a scut? I looked it up on m-w and it said “short erect tail as in a hare”….. Must be some kind of Americanism/Canadianism. You asked for insults…. you got ’em!
It’s pure Shakespearean England. Yup, he was essentially calling someone a rabbit’s a$$. Yup. I got insults, indeed!
Oh my god, I’ve never known anyone else who owned the book of Shakespearean insults. Awesome.
Kindred spirits, perhaps?
This was an awesome start to my day. I’m gonna go repeat Vincent’s insult to my husband now.
Let me know how that went…
Wow. I thought it was bad when I accidentally called my teacher mom. Slut? That’s funny.
Were you a senior when you called your teacher “mom”? 😉
Sometimes kids know things. Just sayin’. The best teachers know when to discipline and when to laugh. That was definitely a laugh moment!
I bet he’ll remember that moment for a long time!
I laugh a lot with more students. Way more so than when I was a 23-year-old teaching seniors. I hope V remembers this memory fondly. I’m pretty sure he left the classroom a happy camper.
LMAO. This is priceless.
You’re right. It is!
I love this story! It reminds me so much of myself in school. I can feel his pain…
I hope it didn’t bring back bad memories! Here’s to laughing at ourselves…
Soooo did he get a perfect mark? Was “slut” around in Shakespearean times? Bless his little dean’s list heart!
He definitely scored a perfect mark…
Oh my goodness, that was too funny. My kids are wondering what I’m laughing so hard at over here. You sound like a fun teacher!
I’m pretty sure my students laugh *at* me as much as they laugh *with* me. I’m oddly okay with that.
This made me laugh. And feel so embarrassed for poor Vincent!
I LOVE that this was an assignment in your class. Your kids must love you.
I’m pretty sure there are quite a few who don’t love me. We do have fun, though.
This is delicious! How delightful that you had your students swearing, Shakespearean style. (Perhaps in Shakespearean sonnet, next?) And there’s nothing like a great frothy, milky-livered laugh in the gut!
Of late, I’ve been getting my chuckles out of vintage Monty Python – much of which I hadn’t seen before.
Might I mention the crunchy frog, or a Bolton cheese shop? Somehow, I imagine Sir John Cleese (and if he hasn’t been knighted, he ought to be) would be quite content with the mastery of your students!
Boston cheese shop! I have to go back and watch more.
I’m already thinking of Basil…
Nicely done. My college students had a similar exercise last summer. It was fun.
I once got mad at my 4th grade teacher’s son at a school picnic and called him a bastard. I knew it was bad, just not why Mrs Martin got soooo offended 😉
Bastard. Naughty, naughty! But brilliant for practicing new vocabulary!
Oh, poor Vincent.
I’m glad you negated his mortification with laughter.
Is it wrong I wish you had a video of all the greetings that morning?
It’d be hilarious to video, actually…
In Shakespearean times, I believe the word “slut” was short for “sluttern” which meant a bad housekeeper. See? He was correct after all!
(No reflection on the state of your house!)
Jodi
I should have looked this up to check before I posted!
The word I was thinking of is “slattern” which according to Merriam-Webster means “an untidy slovenly woman” and slut is apparently a derivative of the word.
Jodi
Jodi, I would’ve believed you anyway. Plus you’re so close, it counts. Slattern. Must inject that into my working vocabulary.
Oh my, I just snorted a bit of coffee.
I LOVE that story.
Thanks for the laugh.
Elena
You’re welcome, E. Hope that pretty MacBook is okay.
Damn, you Canadians keep it real in the classroom.
You’re done! Yeah! Celebrate, eh!
Celebration is on, eh!
He’ll be telling that one for years!
Proudly, I hope…
This is AWESOME! Scut- must use it in everyday conversation and SOON!
Enjoy the next 7 weeks, eh? Happy Canada Day, have fun in the The Peg, too!
Thanks. I love Winnipeg in the summer. Just me, the kids, and 10 billion mosquitos the size of my head.
Awesome! Bring back SCUT!
Shakespeare really knew how to tell someone off…
My heart goes out to Vincent in this moment. It reminds me of a very sweet (unsophisticated) boy I had in Sophomore Honors English over a decade ago.
One day, he said he was confused by something he’d read in the newspaper during social studies and hoped I could explain. Then, in his most sincere voice, he asked this (in front of the class, mind you):
“How come oral sex is illegal in some places when I see kids doing it on campus all the time?”
Turns out, he meant kissing.
Poor guy. I had told I would try to answer his question, but ended up sending him home to ask his parents.
Not sure he’s forgiven me to this day…
Cringe worthy, indeed. Yet doesn’t part of you love that naivete? Especially today? Sigh.
This! And dear Vincent, I wish he were mine.
By the way, what a wonderfully creative assignment. That is the kind of thing that gets my kids excited and involved but is way too rare in their classes. They would have spent hours creating something perfect.
It’s the only way to do Shakespeare. Many still don’t *love* him, but it’s a start…
haha! I’ve been with kids at camp all week, so lots of things have made me laugh.
All week? You deserve a medal. Or a drink.
Oh poor kid! Hahahaha!
🙂
ROFL. Oh that was too funny!!
It was…
Poor, sweet Vincent! But did he actually crab-walk back to his desk? Is that allowed?
He did. With a grin on his face…
That’s a fantastic assignment! Lucky Vincent has a cool teacher with a great sense of humor! I felt so bad for that sweet boy, but its sure to give him some great blog fodder someday! 😉
I love that story!
Oooo…poor little guy.
First of all, I am totally pirating this homework assignment. AWESOME. And secondly, thanks for the laugh! I can just imagine the kid’s face when “slut” came out of his mouth … Classic. Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂
I am a teacher of second graders. This past spring, I purchased 15 day-old chicks. As I raised my chicks at home, I shared photos, videos, and stories of their antics. One day after sharing a Chicken story, one of my young students said “you sure do love your chickens.”. “yes I do.” I replied. Then a boy student pointed his finger at me and blurted out, “You’re a chicken whore!” I was stunned, but he was right.
“Not that there is anything wrong with that,” says Mother Hen.
A teacher with a sense of humour! Makes going to school fun when the humour is shared with the class. I salute you for sharing this with us.
Zech V B.
BEST EVER school story! Thanks! And FYI, The Stratford Festival gift shop (or quite possibly ‘shoppe’) sells a mug covered in Shakespearean insults. It’s awesome. I got it for my (then)16 year-old son, who loves the Bard more than I can fathom. I will pass on your story to him – he is hoping to become a teacher and will, no doubt, steal your stolen lesson plan! 🙂