My husband is a recovering librarian. This means that when we were first dating and he wasn’t yet recovering, I’d call him and say things like, “Hey, Babe. How does ‘822.33 SHA’ sound to you?”
William Shakespeare—one of the many Williams we named our son after (see also William Wallace and my grandfather)—has his own Dewey Decimal code; he’s the only author to have this designation.
I don’t think my husband is a recovering librarian because I attempted to impress him with my geeky knowledge of number-y library things, but I suppose that’s possible. Still, the truth remains that I know a lot about libraries, including how to donate money to fund their expansions by not renewing books on time. If I wanted to make some serious cash, I’d develop an app that automatically renews library books on their due date.
But I digress.
The other day, Vivian was perusing our library’s online catalog. She was looking to see which of our 24 holds had come in. I was talking to my husband about something non-Dewey related. It could have been the odds of the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup before we put a man on Jupiter.
While we were immersed in conversation, Vivian squatted on a stool at our kitchen island, staring at the laptop screen and speaking. “Mom,” she said, “your book is in.”
My husband kept talking; I kept nodding; Vivian kept chattering. She read the title, but we missed it.
My husband stopped talking when Vivian got to the book’s subtitle.
“Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations,” she said.
“OK, OK,” I said, jumping up. “Let me have that computer.”
My husband laughed. “What else are you signing out from the library?”
Instead of answering that question, I started a list.
5 Books You Don’t Want Your Spouse to Sign out from the Library
1. Taxidermy: A Guide for Families
2. How to Cheat Without Getting Caught
3. Ponzi Schemes and Other Investment Opportunities
4. Everything You Want to Know about STDs
5. Snooki’s Guide to Improving Your Marriage
Your turn:
What titles would you add to the list?
Being a Good Wife (c)1950
I gave up on that years ago.
I actually read the last one. I am on step 3.
Great post Leanne!
Maybe there are only two steps: (1) Marry (2) Divorce
I love Viv! She is a hoot. And by that I mean she is wise like an owl. 😉
Punny, Renzay!
101 Ways to Use Arsenic
HA!
Hilarious.
omg Michael Ian Black’s book is brilliant. You will LOVE. I read parts out loud to my husband at night and we’d both be crying laughing. enjoy!
Can’t wait to dig into it. Good to hear you recommend it!
So true. Thanks for the tip. I’ll make sure my husband doesn’t see when I check out one of those books – they all sound fascinating. And when are you going to develop that app b/c I really need it. I’ve stopped taking books out of the library b/c it’s just cheaper to buy them.
It’s sad when buying them is cheaper. I get that…
How to Look Great in Your Wife’s Lingerie
Bwahaha.
“Lumps Under The Comforter: How Dachshunds Ruined Our Marriage.”
By Gizmosdad
Another reason I don’t have dogs…
Coming to Terms with Your Wife’s Mediocrity
Awesome.
Brilliant. Unless you’re married to you. 😉
Whoops. I thought we were recommendiing books for DH.
“How To Determine If You’re Psychotic”
“Mein Kampf” fan fiction
“Building Sex-Toys From Spare Stuff You Find In The Garage”
The third one conjures up some interesting images I’d rather not have…
Making a chicken last a month and other culinary delights
And the follow up, Going Vegetarian…
101 Home Improvement Projects You Can Start but Won’t Have the Tools or the Time to Finish.
Love it. It sounds like you speak from experience.
The Cover Up: How to Hide the Body So as Never to Get Caught
Signs the Baby Isn’t Yours
Creative Alibis
The Beard: Hiding What You Do in that Truck Stop Restroom
101 Creative Uses for a Butt Plug
50 Shades of Grey
Misty! You own this. They all kind of mix together, don’t they?
The Bible. Have you seen the sex and violence in there??
Ha. Touche.
“You Missed a Spot!”: Housekeeping Tips to Share with Your Wife
“But I Can’t Afford a Divorce!”: How to Keep a Love Less Marriage a Bit Longer
How Do I Tell My Wife I’m in Love With Her Sister: 5 Easy Steps
Laughing out loud right now.
Hahaha, classic. Really interesting tidbit about Shakespeare! Geeky knowledge FTW!
I’ll add this title:
“How to get your husband to do what you want: Convincing him that he thought of it first.”
Brilliant. I used to work for people like that.
Your post was hilarious. Here is my addition “How to Make Own & Maintain a Harem”
Great. Does the harem do housework?
LOL! You better pray it does! 🙂
Ahahaha! That’s brilliant. Will you remind Vivian of this story when she’s older?
Another title to add: Feminine Mystique 2.0, How to Tell Your Husband Women Are Taking Over the World
If Viv’s like me (which she is), she’ll remember it all on her own. I’m in such trouble.
Put me down for the 3.0 version of Feminine Mystique.
The Stay-at-Home Dad’s Guide to Running an Escort Service
Disposing of a Body For Dummies
Hiding Money Off Shore So Slowly She Won’t Notice ‘Til It’s Too Late
Gamble on The Leafs: How to turn Your Mortgage Money Into Millions
Keep Out! Lethal Booby Traps for Your Man Cave
Harvesting Organs in Your Spare Time
If you weren’t my husband, I’d wish you were.
It’s the typing…
#1 for me is “Why Men Marry B****es.” Sad thing is, that is one of our most popular items for either sex.
That is true.
My additions:
Thin Wire: A mother’s journey through her daughter’s heroin addiction, by Christine Lewry;
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum;
Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, by Susan Gadoua;
and finally, So. You’re in Love With a Narcissist, by Alexandra Nouri.
Wow. Are these real books? Impressive! (And funny!)
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
I only know 33. 😉
Tom made a point to tell me the thriller book he was reading is about a guy who goes nuts and kills his wife, among other things. I laughed it off, but jotted the time and date down, you know, so there can be more details in my Dateline Special.
Ha. I get it. My husband reads a lot of serial killer books. He always says it’d be easy to take me out since he makes me a cup of tea every morning…
“I’ve Spent the Last 15 Years Fixing Your Mistakes”: 50 Great Ways to Silence your Mother-in-Law… and End Holiday Gatherings Earlier!
Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt Called to Meet for Drinks, But I’m Too Tired: Recognizing Chronic Exhaustion
$20 Cashback at the Market: Skimming Your Way to Extra Pocket Cash
Hilarious, Aimee. I’d buy all of these…
This post alone is proof of your brilliance and the reason why your first book is going to be a hit, Leanne!