• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Leanne Shirtliffe

Poetry | Humour | Picture Books

  • Poetry
  • Humour
    • Don’t Lick The Minivan
    • Mommyfesto
    • Ironic Mom Blog Archive
      • Search
      • Start Here
      • Finding Humor Everywhere
      • Hilarious Family Moments
      • Un-Ironic Moments
      • Wild Gen X Tales
      • Full Archives
  • Picture Books
    • Sloth to the Rescue
    • I Love Sharks, Too!
    • Saving Thunder the Great
    • No More Beige Food
    • The Change Your Name Store
    • Guides/Activities
  • About
  • Contact
    • General Inquiries

5 Books You Don't Want Your Spouse to Sign out of the Library

5 Books Spouse LibraryMy husband is a recovering librarian. This means that when we were first dating and he wasn’t yet recovering, I’d call him and say things like, “Hey, Babe. How does ‘822.33 SHA’ sound to you?”

William Shakespeare—one of the many Williams we named our son after (see also William Wallace and my grandfather)—has his own Dewey Decimal code; he’s the only author to have this designation.

I don’t think my husband is a recovering librarian because I attempted to impress him with my geeky knowledge of number-y library things, but I suppose that’s possible. Still, the truth remains that I know a lot about libraries, including how to donate money to fund their expansions by not renewing books on time. If I wanted to make some serious cash, I’d develop an app that automatically renews library books on their due date.

But I digress.

The other day, Vivian was perusing our library’s online catalog. She was looking to see which of our 24 holds had come in. I was talking to my husband about something non-Dewey related. It could have been the odds of the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup before we put a man on Jupiter.

While we were immersed in conversation, Vivian squatted on a stool at our kitchen island, staring at the laptop screen and speaking. “Mom,” she said, “your book is in.”

My husband kept talking; I kept nodding; Vivian kept chattering. She read the title, but we missed it.

My husband stopped talking when Vivian got to the book’s subtitle.

“Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations,” she said.

“OK, OK,” I said, jumping up. “Let me have that computer.”

My husband laughed. “What else are you signing out from the library?”

Instead of answering that question, I started a list.

5 Books You Don’t Want Your Spouse to Sign out from the Library

1. Taxidermy: A Guide for Families

 2. How to Cheat Without Getting Caught

3. Ponzi Schemes and Other Investment Opportunities

4. Everything You Want to Know about STDs

5. Snooki’s Guide to Improving Your Marriage

Your turn:
What titles would you add to the list?

Filed Under: Hilarious Family Moments, Top 5 Fridays (or Wednesdays) Tagged With: books, humor, libraries, marriage, reading

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Gloria Richard Author says

    January 23, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Being a Good Wife (c)1950

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm

      I gave up on that years ago.

      Reply
  2. Our Life In 3D says

    January 23, 2013 at 6:00 am

    I actually read the last one. I am on step 3.

    Great post Leanne!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm

      Maybe there are only two steps: (1) Marry (2) Divorce

      Reply
  3. renée a. schuls-jacobson says

    January 23, 2013 at 6:14 am

    I love Viv! She is a hoot. And by that I mean she is wise like an owl. 😉

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm

      Punny, Renzay!

      Reply
  4. Jane says

    January 23, 2013 at 7:06 am

    101 Ways to Use Arsenic

    Reply
    • Go Jules Go says

      January 23, 2013 at 8:00 am

      HA!

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

        January 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm

        Hilarious.

        Reply
  5. Wendy @ mama one to three says

    January 23, 2013 at 7:42 am

    omg Michael Ian Black’s book is brilliant. You will LOVE. I read parts out loud to my husband at night and we’d both be crying laughing. enjoy!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      Can’t wait to dig into it. Good to hear you recommend it!

      Reply
  6. One Funny Motha says

    January 23, 2013 at 7:43 am

    So true. Thanks for the tip. I’ll make sure my husband doesn’t see when I check out one of those books – they all sound fascinating. And when are you going to develop that app b/c I really need it. I’ve stopped taking books out of the library b/c it’s just cheaper to buy them.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      It’s sad when buying them is cheaper. I get that…

      Reply
  7. Go Jules Go says

    January 23, 2013 at 8:02 am

    How to Look Great in Your Wife’s Lingerie

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      Bwahaha.

      Reply
  8. gizmosdad says

    January 23, 2013 at 8:02 am

    “Lumps Under The Comforter: How Dachshunds Ruined Our Marriage.”
    By Gizmosdad

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      Another reason I don’t have dogs…

      Reply
  9. Chase McFadden says

    January 23, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Coming to Terms with Your Wife’s Mediocrity

    Reply
    • The Byronic Man says

      January 23, 2013 at 8:59 am

      Awesome.

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

        January 23, 2013 at 3:52 pm

        Brilliant. Unless you’re married to you. 😉

        Reply
        • Chase McFadden says

          January 24, 2013 at 5:06 am

          Whoops. I thought we were recommendiing books for DH.

          Reply
  10. The Byronic Man says

    January 23, 2013 at 8:59 am

    “How To Determine If You’re Psychotic”

    “Mein Kampf” fan fiction

    “Building Sex-Toys From Spare Stuff You Find In The Garage”

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      The third one conjures up some interesting images I’d rather not have…

      Reply
  11. JC says

    January 23, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Making a chicken last a month and other culinary delights

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      And the follow up, Going Vegetarian…

      Reply
  12. Brown Road Chronicles says

    January 23, 2013 at 10:02 am

    101 Home Improvement Projects You Can Start but Won’t Have the Tools or the Time to Finish.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      Love it. It sounds like you speak from experience.

      Reply
  13. mistyslaws says

    January 23, 2013 at 10:58 am

    The Cover Up: How to Hide the Body So as Never to Get Caught

    Signs the Baby Isn’t Yours

    Creative Alibis

    The Beard: Hiding What You Do in that Truck Stop Restroom

    101 Creative Uses for a Butt Plug

    50 Shades of Grey

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      Misty! You own this. They all kind of mix together, don’t they?

      Reply
  14. cooper says

    January 23, 2013 at 11:45 am

    The Bible. Have you seen the sex and violence in there??

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      Ha. Touche.

      Reply
  15. angileri4 says

    January 23, 2013 at 11:46 am

    “You Missed a Spot!”: Housekeeping Tips to Share with Your Wife

    “But I Can’t Afford a Divorce!”: How to Keep a Love Less Marriage a Bit Longer

    How Do I Tell My Wife I’m in Love With Her Sister: 5 Easy Steps

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      Laughing out loud right now.

      Reply
  16. Rivki Silver says

    January 23, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Hahaha, classic. Really interesting tidbit about Shakespeare! Geeky knowledge FTW!

    I’ll add this title:
    “How to get your husband to do what you want: Convincing him that he thought of it first.”

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      Brilliant. I used to work for people like that.

      Reply
  17. Amba Nair says

    January 23, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Your post was hilarious. Here is my addition “How to Make Own & Maintain a Harem”

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 6:11 pm

      Great. Does the harem do housework?

      Reply
      • Amba Nair says

        January 23, 2013 at 6:45 pm

        LOL! You better pray it does! 🙂

        Reply
  18. Jess Witkins says

    January 23, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Ahahaha! That’s brilliant. Will you remind Vivian of this story when she’s older?

    Another title to add: Feminine Mystique 2.0, How to Tell Your Husband Women Are Taking Over the World

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 6:14 pm

      If Viv’s like me (which she is), she’ll remember it all on her own. I’m in such trouble.

      Put me down for the 3.0 version of Feminine Mystique.

      Reply
  19. DH says

    January 23, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    The Stay-at-Home Dad’s Guide to Running an Escort Service

    Disposing of a Body For Dummies

    Hiding Money Off Shore So Slowly She Won’t Notice ‘Til It’s Too Late

    Gamble on The Leafs: How to turn Your Mortgage Money Into Millions

    Keep Out! Lethal Booby Traps for Your Man Cave

    Harvesting Organs in Your Spare Time

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 6:14 pm

      If you weren’t my husband, I’d wish you were.

      It’s the typing…

      Reply
  20. Howlin' Mad Heather says

    January 23, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    #1 for me is “Why Men Marry B****es.” Sad thing is, that is one of our most popular items for either sex.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 6:15 pm

      That is true.

      Reply
  21. angiekinghorn says

    January 23, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    My additions:
    Thin Wire: A mother’s journey through her daughter’s heroin addiction, by Christine Lewry;

    Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum;

    Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, by Susan Gadoua;

    and finally, So. You’re in Love With a Narcissist, by Alexandra Nouri.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 7:50 pm

      Wow. Are these real books? Impressive! (And funny!)

      Reply
  22. Mean Mom says

    January 23, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 23, 2013 at 7:51 pm

      I only know 33. 😉

      Reply
  23. Tori Nelson says

    January 24, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Tom made a point to tell me the thriller book he was reading is about a guy who goes nuts and kills his wife, among other things. I laughed it off, but jotted the time and date down, you know, so there can be more details in my Dateline Special.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 24, 2013 at 9:16 am

      Ha. I get it. My husband reads a lot of serial killer books. He always says it’d be easy to take me out since he makes me a cup of tea every morning…

      Reply
  24. Aimee says

    January 24, 2013 at 9:32 am

    “I’ve Spent the Last 15 Years Fixing Your Mistakes”: 50 Great Ways to Silence your Mother-in-Law… and End Holiday Gatherings Earlier!

    Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt Called to Meet for Drinks, But I’m Too Tired: Recognizing Chronic Exhaustion

    $20 Cashback at the Market: Skimming Your Way to Extra Pocket Cash

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      January 24, 2013 at 12:21 pm

      Hilarious, Aimee. I’d buy all of these…

      Reply
  25. The Hook says

    January 24, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    This post alone is proof of your brilliance and the reason why your first book is going to be a hit, Leanne!

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Footer

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

© 2005–2023 · Leanne Shirtliffe / Ironic Mom ·