Tomorrow is National That Sucks Day, a holiday created in honour of the day U.S. taxes are due, the day the Titanic sank, the anniversary of Lincoln’s assassination, and the day the first McDonald’s opened.
But, ultimately, I believe National That Sucks Day is a day designed for parents.
Here is an overview of a few things that suck about the first five years of raising children.
Age 1
They can walk. At first, you wish for it. You’ve held their tiny fisted hands in yours, as they tested out life on two feet. You shouted encouragement, “Come to Mommy!” But once they’re successful, there’s no going back.
When my twins learned to walk, we still lived in Thailand. The flooring of our apartment was concrete covered by parquet. The number of bruises on my kids’ heads made them look like they’d stepped out of a UFC ring.
Age 3
They can talk. In sentences. My son’s hand-me-down shirt says it all.
This incessant talking bothers my husband. He has a condition called Focal-Ground Disorder. Now this is not something legitimate (I’ve googled it); it’s a syndrome he and a friend in Thailand made up. According to them, Focal-Ground Disorder is when a person is unable to distinguish a background noise from the foreground. So, someone tapping a pencil fifteen feet away would make them go bonkers. Well, add twins who learn to talk at the same time and who constantly have a conversation partner, and my husband goes nuts. I, by the way, call it PITA syndrome, short for Pain In The Ass.
Age 5
They are becoming clever. Like every new stage, this may at first seem like a good thing. They can tell knock knock jokes that have a punch line. The “That Sucks” part is that they tell them excessively. Then they go all freestyle and invent their own. At this stage, if you can manage a laugh, it is at them, rather than with them.
At this age, kids also entertain each other more frequently. Here is the conversation between our twins the other night at the dinner table:
William: I’m going to say no to everything you ask me.
Vivian: Do you like mom?
William: No.
Vivian: Do you like school?
William: No.
Vivian: Do you want dessert?
William: Yes.
Vivian: I win.
Clever indeed.
Unfortunately, though, kids at this age don’t really get sarcasm, which means I haven’t yet tapped into the chapter entitled “How To Use Sarcasm To Outwit Your Child” in my mythical how-not-to-parent book. And not being able to use sarcasm really sucks.
Can’t wait till my kids become teens and write their own encyclopedia of things that suck about their mom.
*
Feel free to add your parenting experiences that suck in the comments section. And, of course, Happy National That Sucks Day.
My kids have been raised in a culture (Peruvian) that doesn’t use sarcasm as a tool. So when I use my ever present sarcasm and biting wit, they look at me with blank eyes. It’s taken a lot of the joy out of parenting for me.
I can see that. But look at all the cross-cultural education you’re doing. Sarcasm 101, taught by Kelly…
Finally a diagnosis for my husband’s condition! He must, must, MUST have Focal-Ground Disorder! Please tell me the treatment.
Treatment for Focal-Ground Disorder?
Husband’s version: life on an island on the edge of civilization
My version: tell him, “Get over it. Adjust like a normal human being. Stop being such a pain in the ass!” That goes over very well, by the way…
My daughter did not walk until she was almost twenty months old and it took a lot of effort to get her there but the good thing was we did miss that stage of constant falling down, bumps and bruises. Now she is three and as you say an incessant talker – not sure which is more exhausting really, having twins who talk to each other all the time or having an only who talks to Mommy all. the. time. I am not a naturally talkative person and having an all day endless conversation just wears me out! Although I have to say I just love hearing some of the things she comes out with and am enjoying each stage of her life more than the last. I love the conversation your twins had at dinner – it made me laugh and laugh. I love it all – but as you know, I am not looking forward to the time when she thinks Mom sucks at all. Great post as always.
I just visited my SIL who has one 5yo. The two of them did a five hour car trip together. My SIL said they played make believe for half the time. That’s 2.5 hours! So, you with singletons, my hat’s off to you. I’ll take my kids chatting to each other….well, most of the time.
I think it sucks that as a working mom, extra time with your kid means she is sick and puking on you. Thus tricking you into thinking you WANT to work.
Sue, that definitely sucks. That is the King of Suck.
We hadn’t even left the hospital with Flora, and Dan was like, “oh, I can’t wait until she’s walking and talking.” I was like, “Shut Up!”
You left off potty-training. Potty-training bites the big one. And I can’t imagine: you had to train two at once, and one of each sex. Dear God, woman, you should be sainted.
Day-time Potty training was easy (that or I blocked out the bad parts). I just waited forever…until my twins started doing it themselves. I think they were 3 years and 2 months. This is the one time my lazy approach seems to have worked out…
Waiting totally backfired with Kate. She turned 3 and became a control freak. We just turned the corner this week, and we’re still not all the way there. But further than we were two weeks ago! I’ll take it.
I wish I could say that you suck. But you don’t; au contraire, you made me laugh AGAIN. Stop that, will ya? It feels funny.
I’m almost blushing! Thanks. Today was a long day. You’ve lifted my spirits.
Hopefully that sucks day will suck a little less as I have an award for you over at my blog
Fantastic! Thanks. Now the Luddite part of me takes over: what does this mean? does this involve code? Ahhh. But thanks! Going over now…
This is sooo funny! I love it! Your blog always cracks me up!
I’m still in Year 3. The talking. The talking. The talking! Good Lord it’s going to kill us all.
I couldn’t wait for my boys to be 2 and 3 (their current ages) thinking they would entertain each other and play. Boy was I freakin wrong. They fight, follow me around, and repeat everything 5 times. I have your husband’s syndrome. Their little voices become like nails on a chalk board by the end of the day. My ears are currently bleeding.