I don’t read parenting books. They simultaneously bore and annoy me, like watching the Canucks play in Boston. The last thing I want to do when I finally lasso my seven-year-old twins to their beds (besides watch Luongo let in another goal) is read Perfect Parenting for Dummies.
I already know I’m an idiot when it comes to parenting. I’m okay with that. So far, so are my kids, even though they are developing the ability to roll their eyes at a rather young age.
Whether or not I read parenting diatribes, I know my kids will end up in therapy some day. We all will. I’m just giving William and Vivian evidence.
Over the past week, I’ve used two parenting methods that are especially therapy-inducing:
1. Game Theory
Vivian: “Mom, will you play hide and seek with me?”
Me: “No thanks.”
Vivian: “Well what should I do then?”
Me: “Just play with your stuffed animals.”
Vivian, after a lengthy pause: “But I’ll know where I put them.”
I smile.
She adds: “And they won’t search for me.”
Me: “Just try it, really.”
2. Bedtime Manipulation
Vivian, from bedroom: “Mom, can you come tuck us in?”
Me: “I already tucked you in.”
Vivian, plodding to see me, with William behind her: “Please, mom? We’re not tucked in now.”
Me: “That’s because you got out of bed to come tell me to tuck you in.”
William: “Come on, Mom. Please?”
Me: “I might miss the Canucks letting in another goal.”
Vivian and William roll their eyes, a skill I suspect they practiced in utero.
Me: “Wait. I have an idea.”
Twins: “What?”
Me: “Why don’t you take turns tucking each other in?”
Vivian and William exchange glances, then look back at me.
Vivian: “Mom, that won’t work!”
Me: “Go on. Just try it.”
And another great pantomime begins, which leads to giggles as William and Vivian visualize the silliness of the never-ending tuck in.
I chuckle too.
You know my motto: if you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids.
Bwahaha.
***
What techniques have you used with children that may have them (or you) in therapy some day?
If you don’t have kids, what techniques would you suggest?
I love your parenting methods.
“Method” sounds nice and official. I like it!
Afraid to say my 3 yo uses this on me to great winding up effect….
“Mom, I just came down to tell you something, ”
me, “Oh, great, what is that,”
him thinks for 10 seconds “oh, I just came down to tell you I had to tell you something…. I’ll still get my star in the morning for good sleeping won’t I?”
me “off you go and tuck your teddies in”
him “they only like being tucked in by you”
They’re just too good to outwit sometimes. 😉
Circular reasoning at its best. He’s clever!
When my three year-old is possessed and won’t stop screaming/whining/kicking/spitting/projectile-vomiting-while-her-head-spins-in-circles, the only thing that works on her is confusing her with asinine antics. My favorite is “Upside-down-shake-your-booty”. I bend over and look at her through my legs while shaking my butt. She stops what she’s doing to gawk at me AND it’s a great leg exercise. BONUS!
I am so going to do this. Maybe even when I’m by myself.
I think just having baby twins is enough to put me in theropy. This was a great post!
Rob, you get to fast track.
I saw a sign yesterday that said, “Side orders of sarcasm served here.” It made me think of you. Except you aren’t sarcastic in that mean, caustic way. You are sarcastic in the “I love you so much, now just toddle off and leave mommy alone” kind of way. It’s different. I think. 😉
You are a great mom.
My son has mastered the art of procrastination. How that is possible for a 2yo I do not know. I’ll be like “c’mon, nappy change’ and he’d point at his sister and go “her first, make a rocket mommy!” WTF? where do they learn that? lol!
I then make up my own song (a new one every time because I usually forget what Ive just sung the second it works) about how changing nappies is awesome! My son is entertained, my daughter thinks Im a nut job!
Your daughter is advanced. She already knows you’re a nut job. I think she gets advanced placement for that! 😉
Too funny! These are great tactics. I’m so going to use your game one on my youngest. Considering she’s 4, she might think playing hide and seek with her stuffies is quite thrilling. Here’s hoping.
You can have the older child hide the stuffies. I’ve done this too. You usually end up finding some of them a month later, or whenever you vacuum under furniture.
The tucking each other in idea was great. And their reaction was funny because it’s true.
A modern Marx brothers skit, maybe.
Super funny. Love your voice…..
Thanks, Jamie!
When Elijah (my almost 6 year old stepson) wants to be all finished at the table and he’s eaten a pretty substantial amount of his meal, just to make sure he’s really really full I say “10 more bites”. He happily agrees and thinks he’s getting off easy!!!
Brilliant! I wish I had trouble finishing my meals.
I am tossing out all the parenting books that are stacked on my bedside table.(unread, I just put them there to LOOK as though I’m reading them. Mostly, I’m reading trash) and following Ironic Mom advice.
Maybe that’s the next book I should work on: Ironic Mom’s Guide To Destroying Parenting Books.
You could include a free lighter with every purchase….
I almost wish I had kids so I could do this. Almost. 😀
I get the “almost.” I do.
I’m in the middle of potty training my son, and of course I’m using bribery… But the thing is, instead of going out and buying him new things, I’m recycling toys that he already had and lost somewhere in my bedroom.
“If you go potty, you can have this car!” …that you actually got for your birthday 6 months ago.
,
That, or else he asks for stickers for his sticker chart. And that’s even worse because sure, I started out with pretty stickers, but once I ran out and was unprepared so I handed him a clearance price sticker off a new item of clothing. Since he was so happy with that, I’ve been giving him food labels, size L stickers, and sometimes just pieces of scotch tape.
He really doesn’t seem to mind.
I love this! I’ve been doing this with stickers for a while. The free address labels that come with donation requests work really well for that too.
Dear Andi and Karin: you are both brilliant. Hilarious and environmentally responsible, too. Love this!
My 6yo leaves his money lying around constantly. I’ve started giving him his own money that I find lying by the toaster or sopping wet by his bathroom sink for the few chores he actually completes. I’m thinking the tooth fairy might pick up on my tricks the next time.
Because honestly? How much money does a 6yo need?
When I come visit you, I’m going to scour the floors for coins…
These are brilliant suggestions. I just started my first cup of coffee and can’t think of a single funny thing I do here, except eat their cookies either when they’re asleep or when I am making lunches in the morning, which isn’t really funny, but is amusing to me.
Cookie thief = excellent strategy. I just did it with the kids’ chocolate.
Speaking of parenting books that no one should read, I just got one in the mail to review for my blog. The bio for the author states (without irony and as if it’s a good thing) that he “coined the term ‘apple shaped’ women for women who have upper body fat distribution and ‘pear shaped’ for women with lower body fat…”
We could have a lot of fun thinking about fruit shapes that describe him. Watermelon: thick skin but mostly water (or nothing) on the inside?
Wouldn’t it be nice if babies came with instruction manuals?? I only have one son, and I always wondered how parents managed when they have multiples to gang up on them! Sounds like you’re doing fine — don’t sweat the small stuff!
Or return policies? Wait, I didn’t just type that, did I? 😉
We are convinced our 16 yo DD will write a book about how we screwed up her life. Infact before we disaplin her we give her tittles for chapters. I.e. MY PARENTS WOULDN’T LET ME GO TO COLLAGE PARTY’S AT 14. Other wise I just whine and have a tempour tantrum ( especially in front of friend) when they talk back or don’t do what is asked of them
That’s a great chapter title. It has me laughing!
Nice article. well until the second sentence, I don’t get it! Our little one just entered those wonderful teen years yesterday. However, it seems that the word dad now has about 4 or 5 “a”s in it.
Sorry, my Boston Buddy. You have the Red Sox. Plus, the Canucks winning is predestined. Here’s the proof:
*1976 Montreal hosts Olympics; 1977 Montreal wins Stanley Cup
*1988 Calgary hosts Olympics; 1989 Calgary wins Stanley Cup
*2010 Vancouver hosts Olympics; 2011 Vancouver wins Stanley Cup?
I take my cues from my kids.
Then again, with teenagers (as with toddlers?), a modified version of The Art of War does come in handy.
🙂
You should write that. I may buy it.
We use the reverse psychology stuff, like, “Oh, that’s right: he’s only 7, he doesn’t know how to brush his own teeth,” or, “Wait: she’s only 4, she can’t go to the fridge downstairs and get Dad a beer and bring it to him and on her way by grab a bag of chips from the pantry and turn the channel to the Rockies’ game so Dad doesn’t have to get up of the couch and look for the remote.” Usually works pretty well.
Hilarious! I love this!!
Sarah, if you don’t read Chase’s blog, you must: http://somespecieseattheiryoung.com
And Chase, that is brilliant.
This is funny especially because I wrote a parenting book called Tantrums, Troubles,! Sounds like you are a fun mother versus being a poor parent. ((There is a difference- Ha Ha))
Have a terrific weekend!!!
Clayton
http://www.claytonpaulthomas.com
P.S. My book is very entertaining. 🙂
Tantrums – sigh. I remember those. From yesterday.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
*lol* I also hate parenting books and watching Luango fold like a cheap deck of cards. I can’t believe the parent I’ve turned out to be. The things I don’t care about are seemingly endless: food, clothing, behaviour, tv… All I want is a good night’s sleep!
How sleep creeps up the priority scale when you don’t have it. (And Luongo did great in Game 5! Now…onto Game 6).
Whenever Kid asks me Why or Why not? My standard response is “Because I’m a mean old mommy.” That pretty much does the trick–and also provides him with the title of his first memoir.
I never thought about using that with my kids. I do, however, use “because I’m mean” with my middle school students…
I’m glad that I am not the only one to turn down an opportunity to play a game with my kids. Crap. I hope you weren’t kidding.
Not joking. I do turn them down. Much to their chagrin. With twins, I usually use the “play with each other” line.
I was even a worse mommy – I’d tell the kids to go hide, and then I’d read a book instead of seeking. Sometimes that worked for up to 20 minutes, but eventually they’d catch on and say, “Are you REALLY going to seek this time??”.
You weren’t a worse mommy; you were a clever mommy. Clearly. And you’re teaching them patience.
You should really read the first couple chaptens of Toilet Training in Less Than a Day (the 1974 version) – Toilet training aside, it was HILARIOUS. “…the typical mother who has other responsibilities and recreational desires-who enjoys reading, visiting friends, listening to the radio, playing with her other children, or interacting with her husband-will find this role of diaper changer to be a serious interruption of her personal joys…”
(EVERYTHING I do is going to result in my daughter going to therapy. I’m ok with that.)
That is hilarious. I wonder what an “atypical mother” was then?
I play hide and seek with my niece and nephew without ever getting off the couch. Just a few well timed, “Where ARE you guys??”
It usually buys me about 10 minutes before they come out of their hiding places looking for me and finding me right where they left me.
That’s great. I must try that. I’ve hidden on the couch: lie flat down and cover yourself with a blanket. Sleeping = optional.
So happy to know a day will come that I can twist their minds that badly. As my twins don’t speak yet, they usually just find and bludgeon me with the nearest toy.
This Lord of The Flies scenario is played out somewhere around fifty times a day..
LOL. Love the Lord of the Flies image. I hope you can find Piggy’s glasses.
My twins are only 17 months old, but I also suspect they began plotting against me inutero :). They nearly kill me during bathtime every day. I have a friend who uses hide and seek time to finish her cup of coffee while shouting things like, “Oh no! Where are you?” My 3-year-old doesn’t really get it yet though. He likes to come find me and I look for him. Doh! I want to finish my cup of coffee too.
That cup of coffee. With young twins, I bet you microwave that same cup, what, six times? It does get better. People keep telling me that…
Hehe! I’m sure I can think of a few things I’ve done, but the first thing that pops into my head is something my husband did. He showed our 4 year old daughter pics of rotten teeth online in an effort to get her to be more cooperative with tooth brushing. It did the trick; now she is terrified of getting rotten teeth! I’ve since found this Mom’s Guide , which has some creative (and much milder) ideas. 🙂
Fear has long been used as a motivator…
Hmm. Might have to do that with my son.
What a funny post. It helped to nudge me over that line – now I can just accept that they will one day be in therapy, bitching about me. (-;
Admittance is the first step of any program… 😉
Oh my lord, Hide and Seek.
Shoot me now.
My kids wanted me to play all the time. And I did. For a while.
But every single time I found a GOOD spot to hide, they’d panic if they hadn’t found me within 45 seconds.
“We didn’t know where you WERE!” they’d say, their chins quivering in fear.
So I ask you. What’s the point of playing hide and seek if the kids already know all your spots? And CRY if you aren’t there?
No thanks. Play with your stuffed animals.
(I like that answer.)
I am laughing at the image of you freaking out that your kids are freaking out. 🙂
We have three boys, now aged 18, 15, and 10. As you can imagine, that’s a lot of baseball, soccer, lacrosse, fencing, basketball games and events that we’re schlepping everyone around to.
The problem was, we kept losing one.
Me: “Where’s [littlest one, aged 2]?”
Him: “I thought he was with you.”
Scour baseball field, meadow, parking lot.
See him up on the shoulders of a big ‘ol guy, whooping it up as they cross the parking lot.
“He yours?” big ‘ol guy says.
This sort of thing happened more than once, to my chagrin, but my hubby is the oldest of 5, before they wore seatbelts and didn’t let kids ride on tailgates, and he loves to tell the story of when they left the littlest brother behind on the curb. Nice.
Thank goodness people are generally good and don’t make the 11 o’clock news. Hope my kids don’t end up with abandonment issues. It doesn’t happen so much anymore, though!
Wow. I love how relaxed you are about it. William wanders too, though I’ve never found him on a stranger’s shoulders. He usually decides to play hide and seek, but forgets to tell anyone. He hides. No one looks until we notice he’s missing. Yes, I’m serious.
It’s easy to be relaxed about it NOW; it was pretty frantic at the time. 🙂
Yes, hindsight puts crises into perspective.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to play and love your children. Attention and Love. that’s it.. if they need “therapy” later it’s seriously all your fault. you’re a horrible mother.
why even had children if you don’t want them? put them up for adoption that way you can just worry about yourself. They won’t be in your way or pester you, right?
Well, I’m banking on my kids understanding irony by then.
*Snickers into hand*
OMG. Check that sh*t out. You’ve arrived!
How did I miss this until now?! Laughing at accidentalstepmom too.
I don’t think I would’ve even realized this was serious. Can’t be, right? But sure enough there it is. How ironic it will be when her kids end up in grammar therapy with you because they were never taught to capitalize the first letter of a sentence properly. I guess some people just don’t get this shift.
Also, I didn’t realize you didn’t want your children. Did I miss the listing on Canadian eBay?
New motto for your site: If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids. If that fails just laugh at people who leave comments like this one eh?
*joining the snickering peanut gallery*
Well played, Ms.Shirtliffe. Well played.
You truly are the Queen of Irony. (Better than being the Queen of Ironing, I think.)
I guess “somebody” missed the “Ironic Mom” part in your heading. 😉
😀
I refuse to read parenting books on the basis that every kid is different, and I’m relatively sure that the author of the book has never been exposed to my children. How could he/she know what’s best for them?
I used to worry about my parenting (which definitely wasn’t perfect!), until my oldest daughter had a daughter of her own…she’s a great mom, and I like to think she got some of it from me…
One tactic I used when the kids were little was telling them that I had eyes in the back of my head and could see what they were doing, even when I wasn’t looking at them (they’re all gullible like me – the two older ones were eight before they stopped believing in Santa Claus, and Hope was 11!). One of Kaylee’s kindergarten classmates tattled on her for lying because Kaylee told him her mom had eyes in the back of her head!
Wendy
@Wendy – my kids STILL believe I have eyes in the back of my head, and they’re 29, 25 and 21! 😉
Lucky you, Mean Mom! LOL.
Hilarious. William often says, “How did you see that, Mom?” It’s the mom gene.
Worst baby books you should avoid – http://babybooks2avoid.blogspot.com/