As a woman who birthed later than the national average, I had plenty of opportunities to be an armchair parent. By observing an array of friends – some of whom should have used birth control – I saw a range of parenting styles. I witnessed well-meaning parents make not only single goof-ups, but legions of snafus. When the time came, I vowed, I would do it right.
Then I had my own alpha and omega: twins. In the time it took nurses to wipe the mucus off Thing One and Thing Two, my adherence to my parenting commandments began to wane.
Commandment I: Thou shalt not send thy newborn to the nursery.
All good mothers know that when you’re in the hospital you don’t send your newborn to the nursery. Someone could unwittingly take your baby, since they are all alien look-alikes, or a nurse could sneak “evil” formula into your breast-milk-only child. Worse yet, a professional could realize you have no idea what you’re doing. By the time my twins were 18 hours old though, the first commandment was history. I hadn’t slept for 24 hours and couldn’t walk because of the gash in my abdomen. “Can you take these babies away?” I pleaded.
Commandment II: Thou shalt not establish bad patterns by rocking thy child to sleep.
I read the parenting books: Don’t start a routine if it’s one you’ll have to break. Obviously that was written by some childless upstart. My son, at four weeks, would not sleep. We soon realized that if we strapped him into his car seat he would settle, providing someone rocked it non-stop. “Screw the experts,” I told my husband. Goodbye commandment, hello repetitive strain injury.
Commandment III: Thou shalt not feed thy child processed food.
This rule was easy to adhere to during the pre-solid and mush-it-up phases. After the one-year mark, however, we learned that kids love processed food. My daughter, barely walking, discovered the Christmas party snacks and gorged herself on chips. I believe I was helping myself to more eggnog at the time. Once on that slippery slope, Kraft Dinner followed.
Commandment IV: Thou shalt not give thy child a soother.
The Brits never bought into the euphemisms for these plugs: They call them dummies or silencers. These lifesavers were my kids’ first addiction. I even thought of duct-taping them onto their mouths, and I know I’m not alone on that one. Once, in a classic guilty-mother move, I apologized for the fact that my children used soothers. My British friend said, “Easier to take away dummies than to cut off fingers.” Indeed.
Commandment V: Thou shalt not expose thy child to germs.
The main reason I breastfed my kids was not for cost or health – it was for convenience. Who wants to sterilize baby bottles at 3 a.m.? During flights between Canada and Asia, we spent a lot of time in transit juggling our nine-month-olds. In a Thai airport, I chatted with strangers about the joys of travelling with children. Meanwhile, my son crawled over and began sucking on the stroller wheel. Yup, no more sterilizing.
Commandment VI: Thou shalt not raise a child who throws tantrums.
Clearly, my own children would never act like that, which is why I think they were switched in the nursery. The library is their favourite place to melt down. It’s happened so often that I now look around innocently, like someone who’s farted and doesn’t want to claim responsibility. Just whose kid is that?
Commandment VII: Thou shalt not drive a minivan, and certainly not one with its own DVD player.
When I critiqued my brother’s purchase – he was, after all, the university professor granola-type – he said, “Just wait. Your turn will come.” Sure enough, before my kids could speak two-word sentences, a minivan stood in our driveway, outfitted with a DVD player. Nothing says hip like a loser cruiser with Costco-sized boxes of Pampers strapped to the roof rack.
Commandment VIII: Thou shalt not swear in front of thy children.
My husband likes to claim he’s educating incompetent drivers one person at a time. That may be, but when my daughter asked, “Daddy, what does bucking slow down mean?” I was thankful he had ruined her hearing with the minivan’s subwoofer.
Commandment IX: Thou shalt not give consequences with which thou canst not follow through.
This rule makes sense until you’re deep in the bunker and dangerously low on ammo. What can you launch next? An empty threat, of course. “Clean up your toys or I’ll throw them all out.”
Commandment X: Thou shalt not tell cute kid stories.
We all know them – parents who have scrapbooked every bowel movement of their child’s life. I swore I would never do this, but the best-laid plans and all that. I don’t tell many cute stories. I just tell embarrassing ones, usually in writing, usually while my kids are watching a DVD on repeat play and eating individually wrapped snacks loaded with chemicals.
What parenting commandments have I missed?
Any confessions to make?
*I wrote this essay two years ago and it appeared in The Globe and Mail. Because I’m lazy, I chose to repost it on my blog.
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
You’re very welcome. 🙂
My daughter loved being rocked in her car seat. We would rock her until our arms were about to fall off and then tag the other parent in. Some nights it was the only way she would sleep.
I was also guilty of making the no DVD player comment. The minute we turned our daughter forward facing, we had a DVD player in our car. It is the best thing ever.
Tag team rocking: yes, I’ve been there.
And here’s my latest confession regarding the DVD player. Sometimes, when I’m with the kids for 2 straight days (or hours) and am going nutzo, I’ll put in a DVD in the van, drive through Starbucks, and park for 15 minutes while I use their wireless and sip my Chai. How pathetic am I? (Don’t answer).
Commandment XI: Thou shalt not arrange playdates
MY child will make his own friends, people he meets at the playground, at school, on the street, in trees, that one time on the roof of the tennis club.
Took me about 15 minutes one afternoon to scope out our new street for the lady with the most children and befriend her instantly, desperately.
Good one. I knew there was a reason I haven’t waded into playdates. Unless it’s with cousins. But then it’s called visiting (or ranting), I think.
YAY! I’ve broken them all… except the minivan one!
I’m rockin the Loser Cruiser.
Thou Shalt Feel Guilty About Working Outside The Home, aka Only Selfish Moms Work Outside The Home
(I LOVE my work time. LOVE. Which make loving family time that much easier!)
This is true. I must say I don’t feel guilty for working outside the home. I feel guilty for just about everything else, though. I’ve got guilt down.
And I’m glad you found a great job for you!
i loved this the first time around. reading it once again, once again sends me into fits of laughter.
And perhaps a bit of schadenfreude?
Oh, I’m so glad you reposted this. I break IX daily. Usually in conjunction with Commandment XI: Thou Shalt Not Let Thy Children Watch Television. As in, clean your room or no TV for a month.
I’m currently trying to curb the TV our 6yo DS watches. It’s hard. Because sometimes it’s such a good babysitter. Sigh.
I’m all about threats, too.
Thanks for commenting, Jess!
Yeah, I pretty much love this. I broke so many of my “rules” during the first week of my son’s life. Rules are meant to be broken, I suppose. 🙂
They all kind of go out the window, don’t they?
Thou shalt not allow thy child to watch television before the age of two.
Hello?? I can only play dollhouse with a bossy little 18 month old for so long before I completely lose it and throw Mr. Loving Family Doll against the wall. Blues Clues to the rescue.
Excellent post. So funny and so true!
Playing on the floor for 3 hours a day is highly overrated. I think it might be used in some prisons to coerce confessions out of suspected criminals. Now that’s something Blue could solve.
Cruisers aren’t for losers, but parenting books are. The prevailing knowledge is never worth much.
I’m with you on the parenting books. Definitely.
Hilarious – and too, too true. Broke every one when I parented and am now joyfully breaking them as I grandparent (except the van part – that will NOT happen. Unless I can ride in the back seat and watch the DVD player.)
Hilarious, Diana. And it reminds me that I’ve never watched a DVD in the minivan myself. Does it play non-cartoon stuff?
All I can say is…I was an awesome parent before I had kids!
You have to live it to know it.
great post!
I have it on good authority that you’re still awesome. 🙂
We would never get a loser cruise……ok the mustang convertable converted into the oddesy. But it did not have a dvd playter (I had a portable!) Sterilizing….mouth plug hits the floor, dad picks it up, puts it into his mouth, takes the germs, voila…good to go.
I was waiting till you added “dipped plug in vodka.” Well, technically, that would have fewer germs than your mouth. 😉
The amazing thing is – children grow up regardless of the routine we set. The best bit is watching offspring making the same promises you made as a new parent – and then seeing them slowly break all them as reality sets in. The important thing is love them regardlessly. It gets worse, but in the end it gets better.
Just press on!
I can imagine the hilarity (and occasional frustration) of watching your kids parent. I think you’re right. Children grow up in spite of us. Thanks for commenting.
We rarely break the rule about telling cute kid stories. My wife told a lot when we first had kids, and I had to convince her nobody cared about our kids’ stories by reminding her she didn’t care about any of our friends’ kids’ stories.
Best comment that illustrates the “do unto others” principle and makes me laugh.
My favorite is “bucking slow down” and hearing loss caused by the minivan woofer. Those babies kick it. Hard.
Commandment XXVIX$L@ is one that we kicked to the curb immediately: Thou shalt not sleep with your children. Or allow them to sleep with you. Yeah, right.
Happy Easter, eh.
That was a bucking good comment, Chase.
Just this morning, my kids climbed into bed with me and I turned on the TV and went back to sleep. Good parenting, eh?
Excellent post ~ now that my little ones are teens, I can tell you, having broken all those commandments myself, they’re pretty smart, kind and capable most of the time. Not too much harm done; nothing a good therapist can’t fix anyway. LMBO 🙂
When they do complain about something I’ve done ‘wrong’ I just say: “so what chapter are we on in your book of “Things my Mom did to screw me up”?”
I love the book title. I think my kids are going to write a series. Thanks, Reba.
Commandment: I’m gonna be the “cute” mama with her “cute” kiddios.
Haha! Now I’m pretty proud of myself if I’ve brushed my hair and there is no spit up on my shirt. And as for the kids…I ALways they insist that they wear pants and a shirt, however, shoes being on the right feet is optional.
I think you’re still a very cute mama. But I know what you mean. I broke that one in the hospital.
Here’s to finding the shoes, even if they’re not on the right feet.
Other than the rule of not using the TV as a babysitter (we smashed that one good and early), I have also broken my rule of not allowing my daughter to watch movies or listen to music that isn’t child appropriate. I realized just how badly we were doing when my daughter was about 4. We were shopping at Target, and she started singing at the top of her lungs “I kissed a girl, and I liked it!”. We immediately left the store with my head hanging in shame. She now refuses to listen to any children’s music. Oops.
Good one. I’ve broken the inappropriate music too. It’s amazing they hear the lyrics. But it beats me smashing my head through the window after hearing the Wiggles or Raffi for the kazillionth time.
After 25 years of parenting, I’ve broken 8 out of 10 of these commandments (all except the sending them to the nursery one and the pacifier one)…I plan to repeat the process with my granddaughter.
Commandment #11: Don’t buy toys when your child is younger than the age specified on the toy. I bought crayons (marked ages 3+) for my granddaughter for Christmas (she was 15 months old) at my daughter’s request. This week, Kaylee went to the bathroom, leaving now 19-month-old Elise in her high chair with crayons. When Kaylee came back, three of the crayons had their points chewed off…
Wendy
Yum. Wax crayons! Likely better than some of the stuff I cook. But that is a good commandment. (And one that I’ve broken).
Thou Shalt Not see if your son will latch onto his dad’s nipple…oh wait…that’s not normal. I’ve got a long way to go.
Laughing. How did that experiment go? Nothing like life with newborns (besides life before newborns) 😉
Imagine my chagrin when Theo wouldn’t take a soother! Omg. I tried and I tried but no go :(! Guess I’m lucky now but I really think it would have helped him settle. Processed foods is a hilarious one. Honestly, Theo lives on crackers of all kinds. This is my biggest claim to fame. We bottle fed, and I never sterilized bottles & never even warmed the milk! Theo drank cold formula from day one and never complained. Awesome post!
Thanks, Harriet. Theo drank cold formula? Fantastic!
My kids had never even had zero processed (or bought) food until they were 13 months. We were flying from Bangkok to Canada. The flight attendant came by and gave them each a cookie with 28 ingredients. I nodded. If it kept them quiet for 5 minutes, it was worth it.
We all have amazing intentions when we start off a new endeavor. Then reality kicks in…
That’s a good point. Early-on idealism applies to many new things.
After reading your guest post on problogger, I was eager to see how you apply Shakespeare’s sense to what you write. You have a well written blog, straight to the point and easy to follow. Thanks for the great advice!
Thanks, Chris. Glad you took the time to click over!
Rules are made to be broken, right?
Absolutely. Unless I’m the one who’s made the rules.
Child #1 nursed for 18 hours straight when I brought him home from the hospital. I was afraid my udders would fall off and so inserted the nasty, hated, pacifier in the child’s mouth. Success.
Child #2 didn’t sleep more than 20 minutes at a time for 15 months. I slept with him, (rather I attempted to sleep while he squirmed and snuggled, and played and pulled and…)
I’ve broken all the rules including “Never Yell at your child; speaking in a calm and reasoning voice will get them to do what you want”, “Have a Strict, unyielding bedtime” and “Buying your children Playdoh and Finger Paint will make them artistic and creative and smarter”.
Thanks for reminding me I’m not the only parent attempting to survive. Now if I can just make it through the remaining years before my 12 year old moves out…and retain my sanity…
I’m impressed you still have your sanity! I think I’ve broken most of yours. I don’t buy crafts, but people seem to give them to my children.
And you’re right, once our parenting bubbles burst, we’re all in it to survive.
These made me laugh so much! Now for number 9. My mother used to tell us that, “clean up your toys off the floor or I’ll throw them all out!” Of course we never listened for more than two weeks before all our toys were on the floor again. And you know most of them were dumb kids meals toys and stuff. Anyway, one day my mom walked into our room, handed each of her three daughters a massive black garbage bag and said “start stuffing.” We literally threw all our toys away save a few favorite barbie dolls and some of their outfits. That was a very sad day in my childhood.
Wow! Seriously? Were you upset?
From my perspective, it’s funny (now), but I can imagine how devastating it could be to a kid.
Thanks for sharing that story!
It was very devastating as a child! We cried the whole time it took us to throw everything, and we looked hard at each crappy toy like we were saying goodbye to a relative before we gently placed it in the black garbage bag. But you know, kids are resilient, we got over it. haha
I totally have commandments, except I call it a survival guide and the only rule is SURVIVE.
That’s a fabulous rule. Yes, survive: outwit, outplay, outlast. Amen.
When I first met D, he didn’t own a shower curtain. He did, however, own a mop. So after each shower, he would diligently mop the bathroom. He said it was a good way to keep the bathroom floor clean. To his credit, that floor was spotless so he had a point. An inconvenient point, but a point nonetheless.
Unsurprisingly, one of my first gifts to him was a shower curtain, for purely unselfish reasons you understand.
Re: #8 – my daughter insists the first 2 word sentence her son said was, “oh shit!” and that he picked it up straight from my mouth. ;P
Mrs Dim took great delight in delivering dozens of parenting books before sailing off back to work and leaving me weasel-wrangling. Lucky for them, I don’t believe anything I read in parenting manuals, and we just struggle along. If they’re happy, I’m happy, and therefore a better parent. This doesn’t mean excess sugar and endless tv, but some days it’s a close call…..
Hey Leanne,
I just had to tell you, I was back in Ontario recently, and telling my brother and sister-in-law (who recently traded in one of two minivans for a new sedan) about the “loser cruiser” label. My brother replied, “It’s not a loser cruiser, it’s a verility mobile”!
LOL
Margaret