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Leanne Shirtliffe

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Why I Euthanize My Plants

Euthanize PlantsMy husband took our poinsettia to his table at the flea market yesterday. Someone adopted it.

I kill plants.

Except poinsettias.

It scares me that they survive, even thrive, under my cycle of care (less-ness).

This is how I care for my plants:

  • Weeks One and Two: ignore
  • Weeks Three and Four: water daily, out of guilt

I had a cactus that exploded during Week Four.

But the poinsettia? It lives. Just to spite me.

So it was time to get rid of it. 

Good thing my attitude towards children is different. Mostly.

Are you a plant person?
Have you ever killed something?

Filed Under: Hilarious Family Moments

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    February 11, 2013 at 6:11 am

    My grandmother had such a green thumb, but alas I didn’t inherit that one from her. So, in answer to your question, I have a black thumb and so not good with plants. And with you on that at least I am better with kids, lol!! 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:02 pm

      Amen!

      Reply
  2. hiddinsight says

    February 11, 2013 at 6:59 am

    I have one plant left but there used to be more. One I have decided to keep even though it is dead to remind me how fragile life is…and it makes a lovely setting for the nativity at Christmas (looks like hay because it was grass.)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:03 pm

      I like how you think. As an English teacher, I’m an expert at finding meaning where there is none.

      Reply
      • hiddinsight says

        February 12, 2013 at 2:43 pm

        LOL. Well, then you must know how symbolic it is when your child spills milk. Clearly there is nothing happier.

        Reply
  3. boringyear says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Somehow, I have a green thumb outside, but a black thumb inside. I cannot explain it, but for some reason I can’t keep indoor plants alive. Perhaps because they’re not on automatic reticulation…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:03 pm

      Sprinklers in the house! Why have I not thought of this!

      Reply
  4. about100percent says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:12 am

    My black thumb is latent. Plants thrive in my house for years, and then one day they give out. It’s heart-breaking, really. Outside flowers and plants are always on their own. Gardening is really not a strength of mine. Or desire, really.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:04 pm

      Good clarification. I agree.

      Reply
  5. Gloria Richard Author says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:24 am

    If they weren’t so dang expensive, I’d get one of those “rent a plant” services like they have in Corporate America. Someone comes in to care for and talk to them once a week.

    Taking care of houseplants and gardening are both on the FavoUrite Spectator Sports list.

    The Poinsettia? I’d worry. They’re poisonous. That one may have been sent from The Planet of the Plants to wait you out…tease you into using them as colorful garnish on a salad. [Cue Twilight Zone theme song.]

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:04 pm

      I didn’t know they have rent a plant. But I guess if you can rent a date, you should be able to rent some organic matter.

      Reply
  6. Mom says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:30 am

    You come by that naturally, Leanne…………

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:06 pm

      Ha. That’s a lie, Mom. Those poisonous dieffenbachia plants lived forever…even after you took an axe to them.

      Reply
    • Gloria Richard Author says

      February 12, 2013 at 5:52 am

      SQUEEE! Finally! A face to put with the woman who survived raised the mighty wacky Leanne.

      The pink and lime green? FABULOUS!

      Reply
  7. ryoko861 says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:43 am

    I purchased a Poinsettia this past Christmas from my niece who was having a fund raiser for her band. I never had one before. It was beautiful! Well, it’s now done and I’m wondering what to do with it. You’ve answered my question. Just ignore it. I can do that.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:06 pm

      Glad to be of service. Funny how the chocolate-covered almonds never last that long.

      Reply
      • ryoko861 says

        February 12, 2013 at 12:58 pm

        yeah, why is that?

        Reply
  8. Go Jules Go says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:45 am

    A cactus EXPLODED? Is that a THING? I fee like you’re being completely serious.

    I once plant / cat-sitted for a friend when I was in college. One of those things survived the week.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 8:13 am

      It did. It had one of those coloured balls on top. And the orange prickly ball EXPLODED.

      Reply
      • Go Jules Go says

        February 11, 2013 at 8:14 am

        *clap clap clap* Well done! I’d bow down to you, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll see a bunch of dried, brown leaves on the floor where a plant used to be.

        Reply
        • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

          February 11, 2013 at 7:06 pm

          It’s OK. Vivian swept today. So you can actually see the floor this week.

          Reply
  9. Justin- Writing Pad Dad says

    February 11, 2013 at 7:55 am

    I tell my plants, “You have to be tough around here!” I get angry if they have the nerve to complain, or wilt, in the summer. They know I’m busy and will eventually get around to watering them. Again, “you have to be tough!”

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      Right, the talking thing. I should just lecture my darn (and now nonexistent) plants.

      Reply
  10. Tricia Foster says

    February 11, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Love the title.

    Reply
  11. rgerryts says

    February 11, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Plant person: yes. Killed something: wait a minute here, is this some sort interrogation trick?

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      You’re on to me…

      Reply
  12. Theresa Hupp says

    February 11, 2013 at 10:07 am

    I was given a plant once. I watered it twice before I realized it was artificial. I kill plants, too.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      Awesome. We could be great friends.

      Reply
  13. blowingoffsteamandmore says

    February 11, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I actually managed to kill a poinsettia! I put it outside after Christmas and it froze to death. I guess that was a bad choice.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      Freeze-dried: why didn’t I think of that. You’re brilliant!

      Reply
  14. The Hook says

    February 11, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    I’m sure they’re glad to hear that!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:09 pm

      I’m hoping they wouldn’t argue the point.

      Reply
  15. Ginger Calem says

    February 11, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Keeping plants alive is my lifelong goal. A goal in which I fail. It makes me so mad because I love plants and flowers and herbs and veggies and all live growing things. I think they die on purpose to keep me humble.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:09 pm

      Growing food makes a lot more sense to me.

      Reply
  16. Julie Glover says

    February 11, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    I’ve always said I have a brown thumb. In fact, I secretly hate when something bad happens (illness, death in the family, etc.), and someone gives us a plant as a gift. Then I feel doubly bad! Not only is my loved one dead, but now I’m certain to kill this beautiful plant.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:09 pm

      Bwahaha. Gallows humour. Love it.

      Reply
  17. thoughtsappear says

    February 11, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    You and me both! I’m about to throw out a plant as we speak.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:10 pm

      Awesome. We should start a National Throw-a-Plant-Out Day.

      Reply
  18. Ricky Anderson says

    February 11, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    My wife has the green thumb. I don’t do anything but mow.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 7:10 pm

      So you mow down everything that she grows?

      Reply
      • Ricky Anderson says

        February 11, 2013 at 8:59 pm

        It’s the circle of life. I’m just doing my part.

        Reply
  19. susielindau says

    February 11, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Most of my plants live. For a long time. A really long time. So it takes me a long time to go around and water all of them… 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      February 11, 2013 at 8:31 pm

      Oh. That’s not good either. When you have a lot, I guess you can’t euthanize them; it’d be a mass murder.

      Reply
      • susielindau says

        February 11, 2013 at 8:39 pm

        Exactly!

        Reply
  20. Vivian says

    February 12, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Last week Friday my husband and I wanted to make cocktails to enjoy while the sun was setting, when I could not find fresh mint I decided to buy a mint plant. When I arrived home he looked at the plant and said, “You are going to die.”

    Reply
  21. David N. Walker says

    February 12, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Just unsubscribed and resubscribed to your blog for the umpteenth time since changing my email address. I hope WordPress catches on this time and starts sending me email notices of your posts.

    Reply
  22. Carrie @ Just Mildly Medicated says

    February 12, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    I kill them all too. I don’t even have a live plant in my home at this moment… I can’t even even keep the ones outside alive. Its as if I walk passed them a certain number of times and they just give up. Now I am sad…
    Carrie from Just Mildly Medicated

    Reply
  23. Princess Judy says

    February 12, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    I found out the secret to my grandmother’s amazing green thumb–as soon as a plant started looking bad she’d toss it and buy a new one. She was pretty good with them too, so it isn’t like this was a weekly thing. I used to do okay with plants but now I have cats. You get one or other.

    Reply
  24. JM Randolph says

    February 15, 2013 at 6:56 am

    I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever tried to own, indoors or out. At least I have a built-in excuse now for houseplants in that no sunlight reaches the inside of my house.

    Reply

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