The return of 1980s fashion, from Vuarnets and blue eye shadow to legwarmers, has got me thinking about retro. In particular, retro parenting.
Recently, I’ve been uttering phrases that my parents and grandparents used to quip when my siblings or I misbehaved. They may no longer be fashionable, but they’re fun.
Here are my five favourite retro parenting phrases.
Phrase One: “You have two legs. Get it yourself.”
I shouted this at Vivian this morning. After asking her to comb her forever-tangled hair, she whined about not having a comb. So I reached over to our junk drawer, pulled out a red comb, and tossed it at her. It landed at the bottom of the stairs. She was writhing on the landing. I was reading the paper at our island. She wanted the comb hand-delivered up the six stairs to her recumbent self. So I spouted the retro phrase, “You have two legs. Get it yourself.”
Phrase Two: “Do you want me to eat it, too?”
I heard this phrase a lot as a teenager, mostly at second breakfast or elevenses. I’d ask my mom to pop another slice of bread into the toaster, then I’d ask her to spread peanut butter on it, then I’d ask her to deliver it to me. According to the previous phrase, I did not have two functioning legs. With a smile, my mom would remark, “Do you want me to eat it, too?”
Phrase Three: “Don’t make me come over there.”
The subtext of this phrase is “I’m too comfortable and too lazy to discipline you. Sort it out yourself.” It’s passive aggressiveness at its best. Especially when you’re seated on the deck with a cup of tea and the newspaper, while your children chase each other in circles, wielding croquet mallets like scimitars. “Stop!” I yell, looking up from the article. “Don’t make me come over there.”
Phrase Four: “Do you want me to stop this car right now?”
With twins, this phrase is never far from my lips. Like when they play tag in their booster seats while I’m driving through heavy traffic (yes, with their seat belts fastened). Nothing beats the power of an empty threat. Of course, the sledgehammer cousin to this phrase is “Do you want to walk all the way home?”
Phrase Five: “I brought you into this world. I can take you out.”
I haven’t yet used this one, but my husband offered it up. Apparently, it’s a phrase his father used. Given that it’s hyperbole, it makes me laugh. I might have to pull a Palin and write it on my hand so that I can remember to say it the next time my twins are sitting on each other.
*
What retro phrases are in your parenting repertoire?
At some point, I will likely introduce the phrase “I beseech you…” My mom used to say that to my brother and I when she’d lost all control and was desperate. Holy man, it would make us laugh.
I love “I beseech you.” Sounds like something a mother would say with a cocktail in one hand and a cigarette in another!
Is “Suck it up, princess!” considered retro?
In 25 years, it will be!
ROTFL!
Women of a certain age frequently always ask me: “Is he a good baby?” with regards to our son, which I think means, “Is he an easy baby?” Now I know how to answer it in today’s language, I say “No. He’s a BUSY baby.”
Busy…great answer.
I’m going to forge my own trail and use “Do it because you were stuck in my birth canal for 14 hours and because I said so!”
ROFL…Yesterday my daughter asked me if there was a way for women to have a baby that doesn’t involve it coming out of vagina or slice in abdomen…
“Do I look like your maid?” was always one my mother used. There was also, “Your legs aren’t broken.”
The maid comment…good one.
Along the same lines of the legs I used to get “you’ve got two good arms, do it yourself.”
I don’t know about anyone else, but I also used to get “I’ve only had one cup of coffee.” Frequently heard in the morning. We had one bathroom and my sister (when we were teens) would wake up and if mom uttered that line, we knew we had better get along with each other and share the bathroom.
This post is so funny. I love it!
I love the coffee one. Never heard it. Might start using it.
As I was a child of the 60’s I am way beyond retro I guess! My father had a lot of great sayings which so far I have not yet used on my three year old but no doubt will, such as “you don’t know you’re born” which he would trot out if I was unappreciative of something, meaning you don’t know how lucky you are and have a great life. I did realize as my daughter learnt to talk, which I did not previously appreciate, that I use a lot of his phrases because now she uses them to – like “well, here we are then!’ every time we arrive at a destination. Love your five phrases though!
It’s true we don’t realize what we say. When my kids were 2ish, they started saying “oopsy-daisy” (horrified that I say that).
“What do you mean nothing happened at school today? Weren’t you there?” was one my mom used on me quite a bit. My father would tell me, but always with a smile and with humor, “Tough Titty” and “No shit Sherlock.” But you need to understand he also gave me a t-shirt with disco glitter iron on letters that said “Smartass” and I wore it proudly. And I even wore it to school and did not get sent home. A little something I do miss about the 70’s and 80’s, as opposed to now, people didn’t take every little thing so seriously.
The other one I grew up with is “Careful, do you want to lose an eye? (finger, thumb, fill in the body part as it applies).
Love the Smartass shirt. And great point about taking things too seriously. I forgot about the lose-an-eye comment. Reminds me of its sister comment: “Someone’s going to end up crying.”
Frustrated one night after my 3.5 yr old wouldn’t eat the dinner I made (again!) I found myself saying “there are children in Haiti that don’t have any food!”. Her response “but we do!”. And that eneded my argument.
OMG that’s so hilarious. ROFLMAO at that one. I wish I could fav it or something lol.
Kids are just too clever. Mariah’s right: hilarious.
I feel kind of left out. My parents didn’t use any catchphrases that I can recall. I never knew I was missing out. I tell my 3-year-old “No way, Jose” so much that he told my husband that I think his name is “Mr. Jose”. I suppose that’s my parenting catchphrase.
No need to feel left out. The rest of our parents were probably uttering those phrases while having a drink with the neighbours.
My 7 yo son has started saying, “But everyone else is doing it!”. So, of course, I find myself responding, “I don’t care if everyone else is doing it. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?”. It’s only a matter of time before I start muttering, “When I was your age….”
Variations on some already mentioned, “Are your legs painted on” and “It’ll all end in tears”.
My favourites and god help me as abusive as they are I use them!
“If you don’t come right now I’m going without you” and “I’m going to count to three, One, Two, Two and a half . . . ”
Oh and my sister uses one that’s pretty new “I think you might need a teaspoon of cement” which means, harden up sunshine!
I love your sister’s “teaspoon of cement” comment. It’s more creative than my version, “Are you acting like a 5-year-old or a 3-year-old?” That’ll have my kids in therapy in a few years…add it to the list.
Just quietly, I was being polite.
It’s not ‘harden up sunshine’ it’s much more abusive and muttered to adults under breath when used.
In reality the saying is:
To children “You need a teaspoon of cement”
Muttered (so they can’t hear, we hope) “Harden the f*ck up”
You’re not the only one whose kids will be in therapy. Obviously we slip and sometimes swear at ours!
Getting all excited about this post again, used this one of my dad’s on an older friend of my daughter’s (she’s at least 8). “I know you’re a pain (pane), but I can’t see through you” to be used when someone is standing in your view. Especially slack when used to make television more important or interesting than your child!
My husband and I parent by the likes of Bill Cosby, which is where your #5 comes from, but my husband add’s an additional line (much to my horror): “and we can make another one that looks just like you!” But the most regular line we always got growing up when we complained about how far we had to walk was “When I was your age, we had to walk to school everyday, uphill both ways, etc.”
Bill Cosby! Of course. I had forgotten. Love the addition.
I find myself saying, “You better be careful or I’ll sell you to the gypsies.” But my kids have no idea who the gypsies are or what that means. It kinda makes the threat mute.
Gypsies. Love that. Is that a hand me down phrase or your own invention? Very creative!
Because I said so….I have used, “You don’t have to do what your friends say to do. If your friends told you to jump off a bridge would you?” But my daughter answered “probably not but what if it was Jesus in disguise.”
Your daughter’s comment had me ROFL!
I have caught myself using almost all of those and more. The most lame saying I have passed on to my children is “holy cow”. I think I did this to ward off the previously used phrase “holy sh**”. I think reboot parenting is inevitable, I just hope I sound cooler.
I love your term, “Reboot Parenting.” And I’m with you on Holy Cow. My kids say it too…
I find myself always explaining to my goggle eyed kids that what I just said is ‘an expression’ Such as “it’s no skin off my nose’…
I also try to explain that I am “not raising sheep” so often, in terms of peer pressure (kids are 4DD and 7DS only, but it starts SO early now! 🙁 ) My son will actually preface somethign with. “I’m not a sheep, but….”
One that I find myself using.. “Stop that NOW or I am going to BLOW A GASKET!”
This evening my son was cajoling my daughter who told me she was ‘too lazy’ to help tidy up. He said to her, “What!? You’re not retired! He grabbed her arm and said, “Your Arm is working!” lol… He came up with all of that on his own!
PS I want to DM u but cannot unless you follow.
Great stuff. I miss old school parenting sometimes.
Okay, had to comment on this one. My Dad takes the cake. Here are a few snippets.
1) When asked if he would drive us anywhere… the answer would be “Ain’t got time” Sigh.
2) If we pestered him enough to drive us somewhere, like the movies or the mall, even after he said NO, he would then say “If you don’t knock it off I’ll bang your heads together like 2 coconuts!”. Now, this never did happen, but the FEAR of it MAYBE happening…I mean, WHO says this to their kids???
3) If we were being picky at dinner Dad would give us an ultimatum “Eat it and Like It!” Then as he got older, he would give us choices…”Eat it or starve!”
4) And the winner is… “Stop using so much toilet paper! You think it grows on trees!” We literally had no peace. Even behind the locked bathroom door.