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What Not To Do If You're Going To Be on TV

I’d known I was going to be on Calgary Breakfast Television for two weeks, but since I’m a procrastinator and a crammer (two skills that haven’t helped me much with parenting), I decided to delay thinking about my in-studio TV debut.

Then, 36 hours before I was to be on television (live television), I googled: “What to wear on TV.” Bad move.

What Not To Wear on TV

There are a kazillion rules of what not to wear on television, at least for women.

Here are The Ten Commandments of What Not To Wear on TV:

  1. Thou shalt not wear black, white, or red.
  2. Thou shalt not wear bold patterns, stripes, small patterns, or pin stripes.
  3. Thou shalt not wear bulky sweaters.
  4. Thou shalt not wear scoop necks, unless thou art skinny.
  5. Thou shalt not wear bulky jewelry, bracelets that jangle, or more than one ring per hand.
  6. Thou shalt not wear short skirts or show lots of skin.
  7. Thou shalt not wear short socks.
  8. Thou shalt not wear sparkly items.
  9. Thou shalt wear shine in your hair or glossy lipstick.
  10. Thou shalt not wear glasses.

I told a friend, “My only solution is to go naked.”

My friend replied, “That would pretty much guarantee you’d go viral.”

I did one better.

Farley and me on BTVI got the stomach flu the evening before and communed with my toilet. Now I risked going viral on the set, literally.

I puked. I slept. I found clothes that were blue and grey. I found my un-shiny make-up. I drank Ginger Ale.

And I survived, even after getting mauled by Farley, the cute but smelly mascot for the Calgary Hitmen.

Here is a picture that was taken seconds before we went live:

Breakfast TV in Studio

Click the picture above or this link to go to a video of my Worst Toys of the Season segment, which ended up being a surprisingly fun four minutes.

Your turn:
Have you ever been on TV?
Any other commandments (serious or flippant) you’d like to add?

Filed Under: Hilarious Family Moments Tagged With: funny, humor, TV

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lori says

    December 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

    You were fab – barfy or not!

    Reply
  2. Katja says

    December 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

    You look quite civilized for a plague-ridden woman.

    Reply
  3. Kim Wilson says

    December 7, 2012 at 10:30 am

    You’re on TV! Looking fabulous too… wow, and after being sick just hours before. I’ve been on internet tv once. It was quite fun. I loved your tv spot – great job, Leanne! 😀

    Reply
  4. Becky Holzman says

    December 7, 2012 at 10:35 am

    I am SO proud of you! BTW – you know I was a TV Producer for years… you, umm… could have called / emailed / texted / tweeted me for some helpful hints. (I had to tell guests ALL the time what to wear on camera.)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 7, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      I wish I would have known that, Becky! I’ll call you before I’m on Ellen. Don’t wait by your phone…

      Reply
  5. gingercalem says

    December 7, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Great job. You looked great and the segment was fun!

    Reply
  6. jnine0712 says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Awesome segment 🙂 and sorry you weren’t feeling well right before.

    Reply
  7. Annie says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Great job! It never fails with the barfy stuff and important appointments, does it?

    I watched a segment on the NBC Today show and one of the guests was wearing jangly bracelets an very prone to talking with her hands. It was annoying! She needed to see your list of tips first!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

      Jingle bells…

      Reply
  8. Woman in the Middle says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Dear lord, I hope I am never on TV! I have nothing in my closet that would work because I am all about shiny, prints, red and black! I watched the segment and you did great, in spite of the flu!

    Reply
  9. Our Life In 3D says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I think the reality TV offers are going to come POURING in! Look for that call coming from BRAVO.

    Reply
  10. Leigh McAdam (@hikebiketravel) says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:19 am

    That’s a lot of rules about what not to wear. I was on TV once years ago and remember not particularly loving the experience – but perhaps it was because I was speaking about cholesterol – and I’m not exactly passionate about the topic. If it was adventure travel that would be quite different.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm

      You should pitch BTV about your travel experiences, Leigh!

      Reply
  11. Paige Kellerman says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

    You did a great job! I’d love to be on TV, but I just hope I’d have your composure. By the way, I’m digging the snow. May have to figure it out over in my little corner of the internet.

    Reply
  12. Smplefy says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:59 am

    What fun. Next time, go with the Aztec Sungoddess outfit.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 7, 2012 at 7:27 pm

      I need more gold in my wardrobe. And a headdress. Clearly.

      Reply
      • Smplefy says

        December 7, 2012 at 7:33 pm

        You could pull that look off.

        Reply
  13. pastordt says

    December 7, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    You aced that one, Leanne! Flu and all, you did great. And Canadians really do pronounce ‘mom’ as ‘mum’ – very interesting. Fun to hear, actually.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 7, 2012 at 7:29 pm

      I’ve never noticed, but I do say it more as “mum”. Maybe that’s the Canadian way: spell it like the Americans; say it like the Brits. Making peace with everyone (or…satisfying no one!).

      Reply
  14. hiddinsight says

    December 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    SWEETNESS!! Does being on the Jay Leno show count? I was so close. I hugged him after (Jay), but it was a little creepy. I can’t say why (but now I realize it must have been my bulky sweater. What was I thinking?!)

    Not that he interviewed me or anything. It never was about me. Unlike this. This. This is beautiful…and so very cool…and so very worth the puking. You rock!!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 7, 2012 at 7:29 pm

      You saw Jay Leno? Cool! Who was on the show?

      Reply
      • hiddinsight says

        December 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

        Well, Jay, of course. And…the Twilight guy…Robert Pattinson. And then…of course Alice Cooper sang “School’s Out for Summer”…which, of course, was the best part of the show.

        Reply
  15. midnitechef says

    December 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Awesome for being on TV! Not so hot being sick. Get well soon!!!

    Reply
  16. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

    December 7, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Thanks for the kindness, everyone. I ate my first meal tonight in a few days

    Reply
    • Team Oyeniyi says

      December 7, 2012 at 11:28 pm

      Good to hear!

      Reply
  17. Team Oyeniyi says

    December 7, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    “You are not allowed to play that in your location”

    So I don’t get to see. :((

    But I have been on TV with my German Shepherd Dogs and the host commented live it was a pity my dog had eaten the Floor Manager. *sigh* I responded it was good, I wouldn’t have to feed him that night. BAD moment on live TV!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

      That’s hilarious. And quick. 🙂

      Reply
  18. serre says

    December 8, 2012 at 3:01 am

    Keep this in mind, number 6 would NOT work here in Italy. Sadly

    Reply
  19. serre says

    December 8, 2012 at 3:02 am

    Plus: “You are not allowed to view this content from your present location.”
    AAAAARGH.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

      Aww. We get that in Canada sometimes with US videos…

      Reply
  20. Matthew Wright says

    December 8, 2012 at 3:04 am

    Cool that you got on TV. Not so cool that you were crook…Like Robyn, I can’t see the video in this part of the world (what IS it about Australasia?). But sounds like a lot of fun.

    I’ve been on NZ TV a few times, mostly to promote my books, though I did it once by offering to go into metaphorical single combat with Antony Beevor, the military historian. I don’t know if any of this did anything to improve my book sales. Oh wait, yes, I do know. It didn’t… 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

      Too bad. You always hope a slugfest will entice people to buy.

      Reply
  21. suzy sammons says

    December 8, 2012 at 5:38 am

    Leanne, You look great. Once I was a news show to be interviewed about a documentary on advertising and I wore my coolest favoritest white leather jacket. MISTAKE. White is bad. bad. bad. But what might have been slightly worse was that I hadn’t seen the full documentary about which i was being interviewed because it was so last minute. (Wing&Prayer and making it up as we go!) You’re doing great stuff… Maybe getting sick was just God’s way of keeping you leaning on Him (in guise of the toilet?) More to come for sure. Have a Happy Pre-Christmas Weekend!
    -suzy

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

      Thanks, Suzy. I once had a jean jacket with white leather sleeves. I didn’t go on TV with it, but I did go out in public…

      Reply
  22. Go Jules Go says

    December 8, 2012 at 6:07 am

    Ahhhhh!!!! Okay. I just watched the clip. You are amazing!!! You’d never know you were sick the night before. You were so composed and relaxed and funny.

    Clap clap clap!!! THIS IS SO EXCITING.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

      Thanks, Jules. It helped that I’d written about this topic and had been on radio 2x with it…

      Reply
  23. The Hook says

    December 8, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Hilarious post! I’m sure you did great! You certainly looked quite fetching…
    As for me: I’ve failed miserably at every attempt at land myself TV time. But at least I’m consistent…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

      Thanks, TH. Keep trying. Persistence. Really.

      Reply
  24. Jessica Stilwell says

    December 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Hmm..where do I start? LOL. You did great!!!!!
    I wore black on the Today Show…clearly a fail according to the list. Katie Couric told me I HAD to wear bright colours. Hmm, first, I never wear bright anything and second..I had one outfit in my suitcase. Please refer to the black sweater on previous show. I substituted red wine stained lips for my own version of “colour” and wore grey. The rest of the shows I was just too tired to care anymore. In the end I don’t think it mattered what I wore..I just stare at my back fat the entire time I watch me on anything.
    Does shiny sweat count as “sparkly”?

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 12, 2012 at 7:38 am

      I would have died. I was just on local TV. I’m with you in grey!

      Reply
  25. Howlin' Mad Heather says

    December 9, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Hilarious as always! When I was on a game show in 2007, I think I broke maybe 5 of these rules. My biggest regret (other than, you know, not actually winning.)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 12, 2012 at 7:39 am

      What game show? Jeopardy? I think Jeopardy. Should I have phrased it in a statement. Or a question. Good Lord, I’m confusing myself.

      Reply
  26. earthriderjudyberman says

    December 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    You done good, Leanne. Glad you were able to overcome the stomach bug … as the show must go on.
    In the 80s, I briefly interned at a local TV station while I worked full-time in radio. But I don’t recall that I gave my report “on-camera.” I decided I had a face made for radio and ended my TV career before it ever began.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 12, 2012 at 7:39 am

      I love radio. It’s just me and the microphone…

      Reply
  27. Lunar Euphoria says

    December 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    You picked a good outfit for TV! The blue shirt brings out your eyes. 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      December 12, 2012 at 7:40 am

      Thanks. All the websites recommended blue. Seriously. Evidently no one looks horrible in blue.

      Reply

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