I’m starting to think I have irony tattooed on my forehead. Either that or naive. Or idiot. Take your pick.
Before I share greater irony than even Alanis could wail about, please click the link below to read the humor column that I wrote. It was published in The Calgary Herald this morning. It has the same I-can’t-believe-my-kids-really-did-that quality as the time Vivian and William used rocks to write on our minivan.
Column: Water, Kids, and Failed Experiments
It’s a nice story, isn’t it? There’s conflict, there’s resolution. It ends happily.
Right.
Fast forward to today. I’m at work. I check my cell for a text. My mom’s flying in, and she said she’d let me know when she boarded the plane. Her message confirms she has.
But there’s also a text from my husband, telling me about the sprinkler man’s visit. He was scheduled to come early this morning, to do whatever sprinkler men do. We thought it was a good idea to have him come out. After all, we have the deadest lawn on the block. Wouldn’t it be convenient if we could blame that on faulty underground sprinklers?
It’s never that simple.
I read the text from my husband. It says: “Guy came. Back tap was on. For a while. Sigh.”
My response: “OMG.”
I call home.
“The tap was left on?” I ask, hoping I misunderstood.
“Yup,” he answers.
“Not again.”
“I know,” my husband says. I can sense defeat in his voice.
“Was it on full blast?”
“Sort of,” he says. “The tap was on the whole time, but it was attached to the Dora sprinkler head, which may have stopped a bit of it.”
I hang up the phone and hang my head.
I think back to the last time Vivian and William played outside. It’s been raining for days, so it’s been a while. I recall tweeting something.
I search and find this tweet.
Five. Days. Ago.
Excellent.
So the day my water piece gets published is the day we realize that my kids have done it again.
It has me wondering if ire is the root word of irony. Because it should be.
*
If you live in Calgary (or want to come visit next weekend), I have some double movie passes to Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer to give away. It’s premiering at the Scotiabank Chinook Centre on Saturday, June 4 at 10 a.m. The film is based on the books by Megan McDonald. (You have to love an early-reader series where the female protagonist has attitude and the brother is named Stink).
To enter, simply tell me in the comments that you wish to be considered. You can also retweet this post on Twitter or like my Facebook Page for additional entries. I’ll announce the winners next week.
As an added incentive, I will be at the movie with Vivian and William. My kids have never before seen a movie in the theatre. Why, you ask? Because this is what happens whenever they watch a full-length DVD. Be prepared to be entertained by the Ironic Mom sideshow.
OMG!!! So no twice forgiveness I’m sure ;( Seriously children and water. We may as well just live on a boat. Theo is already a tap and hose enthusiast!
I think I’d be better off building an ark.
I’ve had my car door decorated with rocks, too. Nobody every told me motherhood would be so expensive – college tuition has nothing on Calgary hydro bills.
p.s. I’m coming to Calgary in August – care for a Word Bitches/Restless Writer symposium?
We so need WB/RW time! Email me your dates. I know T goes away for part of August. I’m around, though! Wine is chilling, unless it’s red…
O. M. G. There are no words for that. Maybe you can appeal your water bill case in person, adorable twins in tow? I can help show the Things what a truly contrite expression looks like. I’ve been working on mine for awhile.
I am scared to get the bill. It could be close to $1K. Please, no, please. Do you think tears would help?
An offer to be featured in your prestigious blog might.
Oh, by the way, ouch!
I thought you had “Cutie Pie” on your forehead!
Aww. A nice pick-me-up for today!
My daughter did the exact same thing last week, when it was raining. We didn’t realize it until we lost water pressure in the house–we have a well. Fortunately, well, it’s been raining.
Yikes. I think we need a well. Any one good with a divining rod?
Wow! Just when I think your stories couldn’t get any better… Of course, that’s easy for me as a reader to say. Sorry to hear about the 5-day water loss! I’m glad the sprinkler man came today, though, and not later.
You do use the word ironic quite frequently, IM! 😉 Maybe it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
I know. Maybe I should change my handle to “rich mom” or “patient mom” or “mom of perfect angels.” Sigh.
Your kids are endless entertainment.
Yup. Two words: just wait.
I feel your pain, Leanne…a couple of months ago, I called the power company because I thought our rented water heater was broken. That was before I found out that the bathroom tap had been left on all night by a certain absent-minded 17-year-old boy. Yes…you read that right…seventeen! AAARGH! Good luck with the water company!
Wendy
So William will never stop? Ahh. This makes me feel better and worse, simultaneously. (Of course, this also describes how I felt at birth).
Great piece for the Calgary Herald. I think sometimes getting forgiveness from a company or governmental body feels better than getting forgiveness from a real person. I’d be doing that dance of joy from Perfect Strangers.
Good point, Mark. I hadn’t thought of it that way. If they forgive me twice, I’ll be doing that dance of joy from a table top.
Can we start calling you “Coosen Leanne”? (That’s the best way I can phonetically represent Balki’s accent.)
Oh my. Children!! You need to invent a childproof cover for outdoor water taps. Necessity IS the mother of invention.
I said that to my husband: “Can’t we put a lock on the tap?” Maybe necessity is the mother of invention for grounding kids forever.
Thank you! I feel so much better about my weasels now! Tiniest Weasel has just discovered the joy of digging in the mud (She’s Seven). She fills an old sled with mud, adds water and then sees how much she can track into the house. She’s getting pretty good…..
I’ll trade you the mud for our water bill.
Sigh.
I’m billing my kids when they’re 18.
Leanne!
Truly among your finest. And, I know I’ve said it before, but seriously, your material walks into your house every day. Unless it is sloshing around in the excess water.
I’m glad you see this as a grand case of irony. I think I would be feeling cosmically tested. 😉
Well, my bank account is being cosmically tested. Seriously. Ugh…
Oh. my. God.
Leanne. I am speechless. My shoulders might be shaking with withheld mirth and I may be snorting to keep my giggles in, but…I am speechless.
And since this is SO something that would happen to us (and likely will, because that’s how it goes. Am about to post about our furnace angst), it makes me love you even more.
Your material does indeed write itself. Sadly. Hilariously.
I know. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Do you think if I didn’t have a blog that these things wouldn’t happen? Would it be like a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it?
When you got kids you got nothing else.
Certainly nothing else in the bank account.
Oh, how funny, Leanne. Too bad you already used your one-time pass. Perhaps you could argue that each adult gets a one-time pass, and it’s your hubby’s turn for his. I’m feeling a bit better about my son leaving the sink on all night.
Is it bad that I feel like crucifying the Dora sprinkler? Perhaps a bit of repressed anger?
hahaha. I did something like that to my parents once. Only it was the living room. My brother and I were playing — are you ready for this?– Noah’s ark. Oh, yes. There wasn’t a dry spot in the place. Granted, we only did it once.. & I don’t remember what happened after well at all…
Noah’s ark. My kids know that story. Oh no…not a third or fourth time. Please, God!
If you lived in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean, this wouldn’t be an issue. I’m just saying. Plus, the twins would have so many other ways to create problems, like leaving a window in their submarine bedroom open a crack. Think about it.
And you know they’d do that…
Oh, no! To borrow Kelly’s phrase that is a serious “What the Frak” moment. I’m quietly shuddering with you in anticipation of the bill.
I know. I can’t even think about it.
This was FAB 🙂 Love your photo at top of page!
Thanks. I love my things!
Congrats on the article…Apologies on your upcoming unforgiven water bill…
Do you think I can nail our mailbox shut?
Okay, this is no joke. I just yelled upstairs to my kids: “What are you doing with the water?” (I heard tap running. They have balloons.)
Leanne, you can’t make this stuff up. I love how you keep your sense of humor through it all. From the car art to the water woes, that’s one heck of an expensive week. But at least it made for a great article in the Calgary Herald. I think the worst creative play idea my boys head was flushing a friend’s sister’s barbie doll and other belongings down the toilet. Have a great weekend or at least I hope it gets better.
Thanks. I think writing is therapeutic. Maybe…
What? Your kids break stuff, too? And right under your nose? I didn’t know this happened to other parents.