RESUME OF ANN E. PARENT
OBJECTIVES
Short Term: To survive until the children are asleep
Long Term: To raise children who will support me when I’m senile
EDUCATION
Bachelors in Sleep Deprivation
EXPERIENCE
MANAGER
- delegated with some success to spouse
- networked extensively at playground, seeking out anyone who speaks in full sentences
- used advanced negotiation skills, including TV as a bargaining tool
- coordinated multiple schedules on centralized calendar
SANITATION ENGINEER
- innovator in environmental cleaning
- revolutionized the sock-method of cleaning up small spills
- ironed thousands of Perler beads; vacuumed even more
- disposed of hazardous waste without a hazmat suit
ACCOUNTANT
- kept struggling venture afloat in time of recession
- diverted funds from children’s accounts to pay credit card bills, as necessary
PERSONAL SHOPPER
- scoured thrift stores for bargain deals
- grudgingly shopped for hundreds of birthday party gifts
- assessed mountains of hand-me-downs
EVENT PLANNER
- planned major events, such as birthday parties, play dates, and Halloween
- worked semi-successfully with extremely difficult clients
CHEF
- cooked multiple meals with one arm
- used creative methods to disguise vegetables
- taught table manners three times per day, every day of the year
- attempted new creations, like a Gingerbread Train
ARTIST
- drew most animals in stick form, with the exception of an elephant
- matched marker lids with dried out markers
- recycled multiple crafts
- successfully transitioned to a glitter-free household
COMPUTER SKILLS
Highly developed research skills, including googling bizarre terms at 2 a.m.
Savvy with Social Media, because it keeps me partially sane
ADDITIONAL SKILLS
First Aid, especially kissing ow-ies better and applying bandaids while Tweeting
REFERENCES
Daughter: “You don’t love me.”
Son: “Your talent is sitting.”
Husband: “You’re the third funniest woman I’ve ever met.”
*
What parenting skills have I missed on the resume?
Who the hell are number 1 and 2?!?! I’m not sure what skill set this falls under, but once your kids become pre-teens you will acquire the ability to know the difference between a seizure and sarcastically rolling of the eyes. One will make you want to hold his/her arms to his/her sides and the other will make your husband want to hold YOUR arms to YOUR sides. It’s a fine line.
Love the eye-roll versus seizure comment. I hope I get a few years yet before I have to develop that skill.
Ever had to put your daughter’s hair in a hair bun? This was not a parenting skill I thought I’d ever need, and it took much research to master. But apparently I *am* a hair styling genious. Next up…home perm.
This is why I won’t put my children in dance. I don’t even comb my kids’ hair (seriously). My hat’s off to you for braving the bun world.
All I can say is that is so clever. Too bad it won’t get you a job so you don’t have to borrow from your kids. We’ve had to do that a few times lately. We always pay back with interest even though she has no clue we’ve borrowed it.
We’ve paid it back, too. With interest? You’re good!
You missed: Regifting cheaply made birthday presents received from other kids, and assembling 1000-piece Lego sets into objects bearing a modest resemblance to the photo on the box.
Yes, the Lego. I must say I pull the “that’s Daddy’s job” for that one. Some days I don’t even have an opposable thumb.
This is a beautiful thing, Ironic Mom. Parenting involves quite a diverse skill set when one looks at it in this manner.
And the “references” got progressively funnier. “Your talent is sitting.” Think of the thousands and thousands of jobs where advanced sitting techniques are required.
And at least you are in your husband’s top three. Not too shabby.
Awesome post.
I am – of course – sitting as I write this comment. And doing a damn fine job of it, too. I probably don’t even need to say that my husband thought being third was a compliment.
I think you forgot skills such as “making leftovers palatable by adding noodles, cheese and soup”, supersonic hearing to determine whether the crash requires a trip to the emergency room or just to the garbage bin, sensory skills identifying which child has the dirty diaper and a firm grasp of the abilities of each child which allows them to deny culpability while allowing you to positivily identify the actual “victim” and “perpetrator” of the crime.
Awesome post.
Yes, the hearing-the-crash skill. I think parents develop that one by the time the babes start to walk and we hear the sound of skull-meets-floor.
I LOVE THIS !!! I would hire you in a minute!!!
I’d add…:)
Fluent in Foreign Languages:
~Whineesee
~ Teen Speak
~Laughy-talk
~Baby Babble
Foreign languages = absolutely brilliant! And if you don’t use them, you lose them. I can no longer understand Baby Babble, but I once could distinguish a hungry cry from a tired cry. Now I have no idea what that even means.
As a former resume writer and appreciator of humor, I loved this. So relatable. I like the cleverly disguising vegetables part. What a great idea for a post. You are probably the 4th or 5th funniest woman I’ve never met.
LOL at your last line. Indeed. Maybe next week I’ll earn a bronze?
I LOVE THIS!! I think I need to share it with all the parents I know — we are a talented group of people. (Human Resources Manager: Keeper of the babysitter’s phone number.)
Amy
have you got a medical degree in there for discussing pokey weiners and why they do that with a straight face?
I am in Staffing as my day job and loved this!
I would add Marketing and Communications:
Created and executed the campaign for the consumption of vegetables
Evangelzied the benefits of bedtime and school
Created brand awareness around napkins, forks and spoons