• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Leanne Shirtliffe

Poetry | Humour | Picture Books

  • Poetry
  • Humour
    • Don’t Lick The Minivan
    • Mommyfesto
    • Ironic Mom Blog Archive
      • Search
      • Start Here
      • Finding Humor Everywhere
      • Hilarious Family Moments
      • Un-Ironic Moments
      • Wild Gen X Tales
      • Full Archives
  • Picture Books
    • Sloth to the Rescue
    • I Love Sharks, Too!
    • Saving Thunder the Great
    • No More Beige Food
    • The Change Your Name Store
    • Guides/Activities
  • About
  • Contact
    • General Inquiries

Beauty Dos and Don’ts from a Sassy Mom

A 21st Century Torture Device: The Flat Iron

The year 2011 saw its fair share of beauty disasters.

From me.

Based on my own experiences, I can now speak with authority about The Dos and Don’ts of Beauty.

  • DO buy a flat iron for your hair.
  • DON’T use your flat iron for removing the wrinkles from the skirt you wear once a year. A real iron works better for this. Just hike your skirt up to the ironing board (it helps if you’re at least 5’10”) and iron while wearing. If you stand on your tippy toes while ironing, it also tones your calves.
  • DON’T staple the hem of your pants when it drops midday. Consider tape instead; it doesn’t put holes in the fabric.
  • DON’T use duct tape to fix the hem on your pants. Duct tape was invented to make ammo cases waterproof in World War 2. If you’re going to use it on your wardrobe, you’d better be packing heat.
  • DON’T go for a facial. While it might be the most enjoyable 90 minutes of your year, the lecture at the end makes your dental hygienist sound like a cutesy-wutesy preschool teacher.
  • DO listen when your facialist tells you to use SPF on your face. Explain that you do use 15. When she says, “Use something stronger,” leave her a smaller tip, and when you go home, consider having vodka instead of wine.
  • DON’T use an eyelash curler that breaks off your eyelashes.
  • DO get your eyebrows waxed. When the beautician mentions that you haven’t been there since 2006, ask, “Is five years between appointments too long?”
  • DO spend $150 on an Empreinte bra that was made for your impossible-to-find size.
  • DON’T expect bra-empathy from your 34A friend.

*

Any beauty/clothing disasters or tips from 2011 that you want to share?

Filed Under: Aging (Un)Gracefully Tagged With: beauty, Dos and Donts, funny, humor, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, mom

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. susielindau says

    December 31, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Too funny! I never thought of the straightener for an iron! I just cut off all my hair!
    I hate it when the experts start telling me how much I still need to do after spending an hour in their care! I tell myself they are just looking for more bookings~
    Happy New Year!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      Did you cut your own hair? That’s impressive. And brave. But for me it would be stupid. I have trouble just holding scissors.

      Reply
  2. Lori Dyan says

    December 31, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Fantastic tips! I shall check out that bra, though I fear I’m more one of the friends that will have no empathy…

    Happy New Year!!!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:40 pm

      I have been a bra snob for years, forced to go to boutiques for the correct sizes. I’ve tried them all: Chantelle, Le Jaby, Mystique, and more…and Empreinte rocks. Well, technically it DOESN’T rock, which makes it fab…

      Reply
  3. blondgirl008 says

    December 31, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Darn it! Where were you to give me this advice two weeks ago when I was getting ready for a Christmas party? While doing my hair, I ironed the collar of a blouse with my flat iron. Totally burned my neck and had a two inch red mark across my skin!!! Duh. Not doing THAT again!
    Happy New Year! Love your posts!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      Ouch! Burns are the worst. My arms have several burn scars from the oven. Evidently oven mitts are not optional.

      Reply
  4. Larry Hehn says

    December 31, 2011 at 10:01 am

    DO be very particular about which royal family member you emulate when seeking fashionable headwear.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:42 pm

      Do any blue bloods sport tuques? That’s my fashionable headgear.

      Reply
  5. Karen Moret Harrison says

    December 31, 2011 at 10:36 am

    When something is on the 75% off clearance rack, there is a reason for that! It’s either sized incorrectly, butt-ugly, too intricate to put on without help, or that awful shade of yellow.

    Think long and hard about buying off of this siren song of clothing.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

      Good one. I used to frequent thrift stores once a week, going through the racks and finding deals. Then two things happened: I realized I re-donated about half of what I purchased because it wasn’t me (it was just a deal) and I found out that I wanted to write. Swapped thrift store for cafes…

      Reply
  6. EllieAnn says

    December 31, 2011 at 10:41 am

    DON’T buy shampoo and conditioner that smells like pumpkin–you’ll smell like a pumpkin which will give you cravings which will mean you’ll be eating more pumpkin foodstuffs than is good for you.

    This was hilarious! Loved this post.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

      Hilarious. Reminds me when I was 17 and dating my first boyfriend, a lovely and kind 19-year-old. He wrote me a poem called “The Girl with the Watermelon Hair.” Surprisingly, it was a compliment. I wore watermelon scented hair spritzer (spray gel?). Thanks for the trip down memory lane…

      Reply
  7. janshep says

    December 31, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Do pay extra attention when ironing your last clean blouse while standing in your underwear. Yes, you’ll be in a hurry to get out the door, but still, burning your stomach hurts. Fortunately the scar fades in time.

    Loved the idea of using a flat iron to iron skirt while wearing.

    Do close the laundry room door before hiking up your skirt and rubbing a dryer sheet on your stockinged-legs, in an attempt to kill the static-cling look. This avoids the “What the heck are you doing now?” questions from the rest of the household.

    Happy New Year!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

      Great tips. I’m going to have to try the bounce trick. On the rare occasion that I’ve worn a skirt to work (I teach middle school), I have secretly sprayed my legs with static guard. Looking back, I *hope* it was secretly…

      Reply
  8. Kim Wilson says

    December 31, 2011 at 11:20 am

    I’ve used my pacman beauty tool for “ironing” my pocket flaps. It worked out alright for me, and it saved me from setting up the ironing board. 🙂

    DO concoct stories to explain the blemishes on your face to probing children.

    Fun post, Leanne! Happy New Year!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      Concocting stories is always fun. I don’t think I’ve ever ironed pocket flaps. I do, however, save my really-needs-ironing stuff until my mom visits. This is only three times a year. Some clothes don’t get worn much. Yes, I’m pathetic.
      Happy 2012!

      Reply
  9. Renee Schuls-Jacobson says

    December 31, 2011 at 11:33 am

    If you are over 40, stay out of Forever 21. Because you shouldn’t be there x 2. Leave the disposable clothes for the kids.

    Happy New Year, Shirtsleeves. 😉 See you on the flip side.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

      I walked by that store for the first time a couple of days ago…while in Phoenix. I agree with your logic. And your Math. 🙂

      Reply
  10. For Better GENiUS says

    December 31, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    as always, the Girls Quick Guide To Looking Unattractive: http://forbettergenius.wordpress.com/2011/10/18/girls-guide-to-looking-unattractive/

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

      Have you been spying on me? In my defence, I only break the rules one at a time. I’m conservative that way.

      Reply
  11. Kerry George says

    December 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Love it, and now I know why the duck tape wasn’t workin for me… lol

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

      My dad fixes everything by welding it or duct-taping it…

      Reply
  12. Colleen says

    December 31, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    And I thought I was the only one who finally discovered that empreinte bras fit like a glove and are worth every penny …………….. DO show your hubby the same top while wearing a cheap bra and then the empreinte bra and he will never complain about the price – then find your size of on ebay for 30% of retail 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

      I think I should be an Empreinte rep. I’m going to have to try eBay. I did a couple of times and they never had my size. Sigh. Thanks for the tip!

      Reply
  13. lostnchina says

    December 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’m quite partial to using double-sided tape on the hem of my pants. But I usually forget about the tape, throw the pants in the wash, and the tape inevitably ends up someplace I don’t notice when I wear the pants again (ie. Butt, inner thigh).

    Great post, ha!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

      My inner thighs don’t need double-sided tape. They stick together just fine on their own.

      Reply
  14. mj monaghan says

    December 31, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    I don’t have bra empathy, nor a friend in apartment 34A. 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

      You should be thankful, possibly on both counts…

      Reply
  15. Lynn Kirk says

    January 1, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Leeanne, now I KNOW i have to take on the role i’ve been considering: making a real effort to promote the use of clothes steamers. I am the LAST person who likes to sell things, but really….beats the hell out of using a straightening iron, worth EVERY cent, and takes one minute….you heard me…ONE MINUTE,… to heat up enough to use! When i first got mine, i was the laughing stock at my house as this former hater-of-ironing literally went through closets to find things to practice on!! Happy New Year, and your advice is always so deep…and passionate….and fun.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

      Isn’t a steamer something that will make me a chai tea latte?

      Reply
  16. paula says

    January 1, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Thank you for that! Too funny. Darn those snotty skin care people!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

      I know. And I didn’t even get into her conversation about the size of my pores…

      Reply
  17. educlaytion says

    January 1, 2012 at 10:34 am

    My fashionista friend has given up on changing me just yet, so she’s given me new safety pins that past two years because that’s what I need to keep the bottom of my favorite jeans & cords alive. I have Frankenstein style. FrankenPants.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      January 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

      I love the concept of FrankenPants. It really deserves its own Vlog, you know. A nice mash-up perhaps? Your readers would be fashion-ated, I’m sure.

      Reply
  18. serre says

    January 2, 2012 at 3:32 am

    Mi tips are:
    1) DON’T let your hairdresser wax your eyebrows, just cause she can handle hair doesn’t mean she can handle facial hair.
    2) DON’T “shake-before-use” things that don’t say “shake before use”. For example, you don’t have to shake permanent purple hair-dye before use. Doesn’t help colouring (at least not your hair).
    3) DON’T wax your legs right before going to the beach. I guess everyone knows that, but as the Mediterranean sea is very salty I took the liberty of reminding everyone.

    Reply
  19. thoughtsappear says

    January 3, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I think it’s been about 5 years since I waxed my eyebrows, too. Every time I get a pedicure now, they ask if I want my eyebrows done. I prefer plucking them a little bit at a time.

    Is just go to work with a wrinkly skirt a Do? I hate ironing.

    Reply
  20. jeandayfriday says

    January 5, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I laughed out loud at your “Do get your eyebrows waxed” line. Love it and it is so true. I visited my stylist for that very purpose yesterday and she said, “Do I know you? I almost didn’t recognize you from your massive eyebrows.”

    Reply
  21. fiona & lyranda says

    January 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    So true on the evil facialist! I went 6 weeks post babe and was told my “eyes told a thousand words” about my recent sleep deprivation. Hurt more than the extractions.

    Reply
  22. Wendy Barron says

    January 7, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    You have my sympathies on the bra front. It used to be nearly impossible for me to find the right fitting bra, until I found a specialty bra store in my neighbourhood and had the right size for the first time in… maybe ever, actually. And good bras don’t come cheap.

    OTOH, Nordstroms has a FANTASTIC bra department. Next time you find yourself in downtown Seattle (or anywhere with a Nordies), treat yourself. You can get three great bras for the price you paid for one. I did, anyway. 🙂

    Reply
  23. arbohl says

    January 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Too funny! I have used my flat iron tons of times for getting wrinkles out of various bits of clothing. Mostly while wearing them 🙂

    Reply
  24. Barb says

    January 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

    I love duct tape. I’m trying to make it fashionable..and at least it comes in colors now.

    Reply
  25. Smplefy says

    May 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    What language was this post written in? Some type of Venutian?

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Footer

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

© 2005–2023 · Leanne Shirtliffe / Ironic Mom ·