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Leanne Shirtliffe

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Aging (Un)Gracefully

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My Chin, My Husband, and North Korea

It’s four days until I’m done teaching for the year. The winter break will be here soon, possibly before I break, but not before I post more exhausted-teacher-memes to Facebook. Then I feel it. Like the head of a Xenomorph trying to escape my chin. A too-many-chocolates and stress zit. I touch my pimple, which is […]

On Growing Another Head

Mount Vesuvius sits on my chin. You can bet model Denise Richards, who’s the same age as me, hasn’t had to deal with this scale of acne. Mind you, she’s had to deal with Charlie Sheen, which makes us even. I’d show you an uncensored photo of me and my Zit-pocalypse, but I have standards […]

Weird Sleep Habits of Neurotic Adults

When it comes to sleep, I’m a modern-day Goldilocks, always searching for what’s just right. My bedtime routine involves heating my wheat bag (made from wheat that my parents grew on their farm), fluffing my two pillows (one flat, one fluffy), positioning my three blankets perfectly, and tossing and turning and shifting until I find my spot, the […]

What makes someone sexy?

My face was red, sunburned red. I was breathing hard, a sign that my forty-year-old body was a couple of decades past being a competitive athlete, past being fit, past having a beautiful belly button on a stomach without stretch marks. I continued my workout on our driveway, passing the basketball to one of my […]

Beauty Dos and Don’ts from a Sassy Mom

The year 2011 saw its fair share of beauty disasters. From me. Based on my own experiences, I can now speak with authority about The Dos and Don’ts of Beauty. DO buy a flat iron for your hair. DON’T use your flat iron for removing the wrinkles from the skirt you wear once a year. […]

Top Eight Reasons Not To Eat a Dog

I’ve been sick this week, not from eating dog, though that would be a nice example of cause-and-effect. Suffice it to say that my brain has been one gig short of a gigabyte. Still, I decided to do some grading. My Grade 8 students are near the end of a humour unit. Their penultimate assignment […]

My Celebrity Look-alikes Are Men

The blogging world vibrates with great ideas. Clay Morgan has a ton of them. Months ago, he wrote a post about all the celebrities people say he resembles. Suffice it to say that Clay’s look-alike squad could almost fill a deck of cards. Then earlier this week, one of my sisters-from-another-mister, Lori Dyan, posted her […]

Vomiting, Turning 40, and Husbands

I was born four days after my mom’s 30th birthday. I know this because every year I hear the story of how my mom spent her 30th birthday sitting on the basement steps vomiting. Four days later, I emerged and completed the purge. Four days ago, my mom turned 70. Which means today I’m 40. […]

Selective Memory, TV, and Children

My son has the ability to forget just about anything. So far, in Grade 1, he has forgotten his boots at school in a blizzard (he wore his indoor runners as mules through drifts of snow), every detail of what he did in class yesterday, and where he put the remote control to our brand […]

The Importance of Having a Favourite Colour

My twins start Grade One in the fall, which officially catapults them out of the category of preschoolers. I’m not sure what they’re called now. Schoolers doesn’t quite have the same categorical recognition. And the term Grade Schoolers is awkward. I’m going for kids. Just plain kids. Since my kids are beyond preschool, I now […]

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