I am the DH (Part 2 of Too Many or Not Enough)

Earlier in May, I opened up the comments to you, inviting you to ask my dear husband (DH) any questions. 

Here is Part 2 (of 4). Part 1 is over here.

First of all I would like to say how pleased I am to have been forced into conversing on the blogosphere AGAIN with all of you teenagers, stalkers, shut-ins, and unabombers. When IronicWife says “Jump”, I say “Of course, and your outfit looks lovely today”.

Please do not be offended by any of my answers because (a) they were written with the best of intentions and (b) crankiness is my default setting.

From Gloria Richard:

Every parent has The Evil Eye. Who deploys theirs most in your house and at whom? What did you do (or say) that caused Leanne to unleash hers on you?

Good question Gloria. Leanne is not so much a deployer of the evil eye as much as a Marge Simpson grumbler. I am the exclusive recipient of the evil grumble. I get the grumble every time I suggest putting (a)more bookshelves in our house, (b)more cd shelves in our house, (c) more dvd shelves in our house, and (d) a microwave and water cooler near my side of the bed.

From Jessica:

What’s your favourite memory from when you and Leanne were Ironic Boyfriend-and-Girlfriend?

Jessica, this memory will seem made-up but I swear it’s not. Ironic Girlfriend and I took our first trip together to the nice, safe, easy, laid back destination of India. If you think you are a world traveler, India picks you up by the lapels, lays a good head slap on you, and says: “Think again, dipstick.” At one point in our saga, I had a horrible sore throat and was exhausted. We were in some dank, smelly room in Rajasthan. The room had a TV that was broadcasting bad Hindi movies. Leanne was pampering me and served a big Kingfisher beer as I lay in bed, and as I sipped the cold liquid to soothe my raw throat, she fiddled with the TV and tuned in ESPN. While in pjs. I kid you not. My heart swells just thinking about it.

From Clay:

If you had to escape the gulag with a professional athlete, stand up comedian, and character on The Walking Dead, which 3 individuals would you pick? 

Do you believe that Leanne’s internet friends are real people based on their names?

Clay, you win for best questions of the millennium. I love the lateral thinking that produced questions like these. Too bad you are a figment of Leanne’s imagination along with her other internet “friends” with made-up sounding names like Knox, Chase, Mihael, Lloyd, and Binker (this last one may be a figment of my imagination). To answer the first question, however, I would start by saying that a lot of escapes from the Gulag were done during winter (so the taiga would be frozen and passable) and done in threes. Two healthy prisoners would select an “eater”, a weaker companion who could be overpowered and consumed in times of deep starvation. With this in mind, I’m leaving Russell Peters back in the barracks and am setting off across the tundra with Steve Nash, because he’s a good guy and father of twins, like me, and T-Dawg from The Walking Dead, because that man is big enough to provide a lot of meals. Thanks again “Clay” for bringing out the really sick side of my psyche.

From Kevin:

Leanne talks a good game, but if the two of you played a game of one-on-one in the driveway, who wins? Do you have a signature move?

Good question, Kevin. When we play one-on-one, I am Kobe Bryant, she is Jordan Farmar. I am a young Allen Iverson, she is an old (invisi)Bill Cartwright. My signature move is…EVERYTHING. Her signature move is getting posterized, again and again. [Leanne’s note: My apologies, Kevin. My DH is either now writing fiction or revisionist history]

When you put on a new roll of toilet paper…over or under?

A less interesting question, Kevin. The answer is “over”. Only teenagers, stalkers, shut-ins, and unabombers roll it under.

From Kelly:

I am currently watching Season 4 of Dexter. I’ve heard the show starts to go downhill. Do I bother continuing?

Kelly, keep watching! Dexter never goes downhill. One nanosecond of any episode is worth a 24-hour marathon of Kardashian/Donald Trump/Bachelor/Toddlers and Tiaras, or similar unwatchable shite.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? 

Pardon me, Kelly, but this sounds like some dumb-ass American Homeland Security coded question. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

What are your top 5 favorite blog posts of Leanne’s?

I love them all. Equally.

Would you notice (hypothetically speaking) if I moved into your basement for most of August?

No problem. Except last time you wanted your burger medium rare. Medium rare?! Have you never heard of e-coli? Why not just bonk the cow on the head, show it the flame and chow down?

What is your favorite serial killer movie/book?

Excellent question. My favorite serial killer book is The Traveler, by John Katzenbach. Imagine a sociopath who travels around the U.S. imitating active serial killers, avoiding detection, and then moving on. It gives me the willies just thinking about it.

From CyberDJY:

Please resolve the now over a decade long debate amongst your friends and colleagues. Who (you or your wife) shakes it better when Scottish country dancing?

CyberDJY! Thank you for reminding me of ancient history. Some 14 years ago we thought it normal to be in the middle of the Bahraini desert, sweating on an outdoor tennis court that was, as the Brits say “hotter than Satan’s bollocks”, and practicing Scottish country dancing for some upcoming black tie event. What were we thinking? Leanne and I were adequate Scottish country dancers. I was, unfortunately, better at the Gay Gordons. Leanne enjoyed doing the Dashing White Sergeant. If you know what I mean.

From Jodi:

Can you tell me what bacon does to your lips?

Thank-you Jodi, for reminding me of one of the more quoted things I’ve ever said. Leanne has Marge-grumbled at my answer and “suggested” I devote an entire post to it. Oh joy. Stay tuned.

Stay tuned indeed. There’s more to come.