I am a big fan of using choice as a way to coerce kids into doing what I want them to do.
I learned this early in my teaching career. I used to spout platitudes like, “You always have a choice, it just may not be a good choice,” but I got tired of hearing teens make gagging noises. So I halted my sermonizing and started putting the philosophy into practice. When one of those pubescent creatures was doing something highly annoying, I’d pause and offer a choice, such as “You can either stop making farting noises and stay in this classroom, or you can make your farting noises all the way down to the principal’s office.”
This either-or strategy has been useful for parenting five-year-olds. Think of it as bribery that’s been souped up.
A Vivian Example: “You can either eat your carrots and have dessert, or you can leave them on your plate to fester and decay while you starve for days to come.”
A William Example: “You can either stop sucking on your toes, or you can keep sucking on them and never watch The Backyardigans again, ever.”
In case I’ve confused you, I’ll illustrate it mathematically:
CHOICE + HYPERBOLE = MANIPULATION
I must use this technique often, because yesterday Vivian cornered me with her own version of Manipulation 101.
I was in the kitchen doing something useful, like boiling water for the fourth time with the hope that I’d actually remember to make a cup of tea while the water was still hot.
“Mom,” Vivian said, “would you like to sit on the couch and read me a book, or would you like to sit on the floor and play Fish?”
I took a moment to process the options.
or
And you know what?
It worked.
A five-year-old connived me, her lackluster mother, to follow her agenda.
She is a master apprentice.
Soon she’ll be teaching Manipulation 101, implementing a number of new techniques she’s piloting during Spring Break-down.
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Feel free to share any of your tips for Manipulation 101.
Love it. I have been using this technique on Mr Green for a while now, i.e. “You can play with your son OR you can hang the laundry out”. (Note: how sitting on your *rse watching Formula One isn’t one of the choices) Works like a gem.
Brilliant. I forgot about the DH Application, but tonight I followed your lead and said, “You can either bath the kids or put them to bed.”
Yes, I too use the manipulation method. Most of the time you don’t even have to punish your kids if you do it right. They basically end up punishing themselves. You can get your kids to do anything lol.
me: clean up your room
my son: aw man but I’m watching Avatar
me: you can clean up your room or go to bed
my son: but the sun is still up and I havent had dinner yet (cuz its only 5:30pm)
me: well, its your choice
my son: and then I can stay up all night?
me: only if you clean up my room too…
my son: ok (he can never manage to stay up past 9pm anyway LMAO)
Love the dialogue and the ramped up choices. I am going to add “clean my room” to the options…
I try to manipulate my son, but something about him being only 6 months old means he doesn’t quite grasp the hyperbole concept yet.
Usually my desperate attempts are more like…
” NO NO NO NO DON”T …. you peed on me. On my face. Thanks.”
Hilarious! Had repressed the memory about being peed on by my children.
Ahhh, yes. The fine art of manipulation. The sad thing is my 3-year old has mastered this techinque better than I have.
It’s one of those double edged swords, isn’t it?! You want your kid to be bright but then…
Another technique is to acknowledge that your kid is enjoying something but let them know that it’s not appropriate. My 3YO daughter now uses this on my husband, “Daddy, I know you’re having fun talking, but let’s not talk.”
This technique is complete new to me. I think I’ll test drive it tomorrow as we have a long drive ahead of us. Something like, “I know you’re enjoying kicking the back of my seat, but let’s stop that.” Thanks!
My DH wants to make sure he’s getting all this down correctly. He says :”I know you’re enjoying kicking my seat and I’m gonna enjoy kicking ur ass if you dont stop”. Is that about right???
My children are not allowed to play with your children now. 😉
LOL. Well, the inmates do run the asylum around here.
I’m roaring here, not just because she got you, but because I completely understand about the boiling water. I must reheat my coffee 4 or 5 times a day.
Clever girl!
Perhaps we should start a twitter hash tag for people who boil water but rarely make the beverage. There goes 140 characters!
Vivian is clever, she must take after her mother.
While on the topic of how clever you are, I awarded you an Honest Scrap Award (not sure if you care about such things).
Vivian = clever? Maybe. I do take credit for all my kids’ positive traits, and I blame DH for the negative ones.
An Honest Scrap Award? How cool is that! Thanks!
Great story! Your daughter is clearly a “chip off the old block” and you have taught her only too well it seems! I spent years working with hard headed cable sales guys and thought some of them were tough to negotiate with and also found it hard to figure out how to motivate them sometimes, but honestly negotiating with a toddler and figuring out what makes them tick is so much harder!!
I am visiting your blog for the first time and love it by the way.
Thanks for the kudos. Love your comparison of toddlers to “hard headed cable sales guys.” It’s a bit like how teaching 97 teens can be easier than dealing with two five-year-olds that are my own spawn.
I can’t wait to use this technique… now my daughter just has to hurry up and learn to talk already. 🙂
Yes, and then you’ll be mourning the silence…
What is it with kids and sucking on their toes! Seriously!
I wish I knew. My son even chews the cuticles on his toes. I am gagging just thinking about it…
As an engineer I really liked the mathematical format. Now you know that they are listening too you I guess.
Truth be told, I’m not sure anyone listens to me!
At least you know she is paying attention.
That’s true (I like the optimistic angle).
I am seriously taking notes.
Tutorials start next week. They may be run by a five year old who sucks on her hair…
A few weeks back, after 17 requests to get my daughter to sit down and finish her dinner and with my blood pressure starting to boil, it went like this in our house:
me: Isabelle, either you sit down and eat your dinner or….(thinking on my feet), uh, I’m going to yell.
her: (quiet for a moment, then looks me in the eye) yell.
Crap.
I clearly need to read up on this method.
ROFL. You gotta love a girl with spunk and sass. The key is to threaten something they hate. “Threaten,” of course, is not PC; I should have said “give them the choice of” instead!
Oh my gosh, love it – souped up bribery, LOL. I’ve resorted to this method myself, mainly with my teen. It goes something like this: “Teen son, you need to clean the bathroom.”
Teen Son: “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Me: “You either clean your bathroom now (it’s the kids’ bathroom, he’s not lucky enough to have his own) or you can clean your bathroom + the other two baths tomorrow.”
Usually I give deadlines: “XYZ needs to be done by 3pm today, otherwise no movies (or whatever it is they may be looking forward to doing that day – I’ve even told the twins that they couldn’t read until their room was clean, they cried over that threat).
P.S. Love that book: “Click, Clack, Moo Cows that Type”
I’ll admit it, I totally do this. Although my own 5-year-old is getting wise. I’ll offer two options, and she’ll say, “Actually, I want to do something totally different.” And then, I fear, I am at a loss. The kid has out logic-ed me, and I have nowhere to turn.
When’s the E-Book coming out? I’ll buy that for a hypothetical dollar LMAO. It could be step by step instructions on how to manipulate your child lol. Parents soooo need it…
Don’t ya just love it when the little life lessons you try to teach your twins come back to bite you right in the keister?! I am still a HUGE fan of manipulation. It’s a fundamental part of parenting if you as me. 🙂
So, I obviously left out a letter in that last sentence of my comment (my twins have beaten me down by this time of the day). I meant to say “It’s a fundamental part of parenting if you ASK me.” The English teacher in me just wouldn’t let that slide….
Oh, & if you’re wondering who “mama2point0” is, it’s Nucking Futs Mama. 🙂
A great book on this subject is “Easy to Love, Hard to discipline”.
Oops, that book is called “Easy to love, difficult to discipline” by Beck Bailey. Excellent read on a number of topics.