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What 6-year-old Twins Think of Their Mother

I took myself out for lunch on Mother’s Day. I took my children, too, since my husband had to work.

Because I had dreams of a grown-up lunch, the restaurant I chose wasn’t a place that had a children’s menu or a tablecloth you could draw on. As a result, I was stuck entertaining my own kids and monitoring the whereabouts of William’s plastic octopus, a creature he’d been carrying around with him all day.

Thing 1 Thing 2

After we played six rounds of “I’m Going on a Picnic,” I decided to interview my kids. I pulled out my notebook and started asking questions.

Here’s the transcript.

Me: What are two words to describe Mommy?

Vivian: Nice.

William: Leanne.

Me: What is my favourite food?

Vivian: Stuffed mushrooms.

Me: William. Don’t stick your octopus in your chocolate milk. Now what’s your answer? What’s my favourite food?

William: Pizza.

Me: What is my favourite drink?

Vivian: Wine.

William: Tea.

Me: What does Mommy like to do at home?

William: Mom, I’m trying to suck the bubbles out of my milk.

Me: Shush, William.

Vivian: Write.

Me: What?

Vivian: You like to write.

Me: Right. William, what’s your answer? What does Mommy like to do at home?

William: Work.

Me: What does Mommy not like to do at home?

Vivian: Be angry at us.

William: Work.

Me: You just said I like to work.

William: I don’t know.

Me: And get that octopus out of your mouth.

William: Sorry.

Me: Finish the sentence. Mommy sometimes gets angry –

Vivian: When I break something.

William: When I scratch my name on the car.

Me: Got that right.

Me: Finish the sentence. Mommy is very good at –

Vivian: Teaching.

William: Teaching.

Me: What else is Mommy good at?

William: I don’t know.

Me: Vivian, stop lying on the seat. Is teaching all I’m good at?

Vivian: You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs.

Me: William, can you stop slurping your milk? Vivian! Stop hitting him on the back.

Vivian: I’m trying to make him burp.

Me: Stop that.

Vivian: We’re in a booth. We can do whatever we want.

Me: Is that so?

Vivian: Let’s go sit on Mommy.

And there, with 100 lbs of kid weight on my lap, ended the delusion of the grown-up lunch.

***

Any bizarre situations you’ve found yourself in recently?

Filed Under: Hilarious Family Moments, Whiteboard Wednesday Tagged With: humor, interview, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, mothers day, parenting, Thing 1, Thing 2

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lori dyan says

    May 11, 2011 at 6:53 am

    This? Is awesome!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

      I can think of a few other adjectives, too.

      Reply
  2. Bill says

    May 11, 2011 at 7:09 am

    My two daughters were seven years apart. Most of their arguments began with:

    (Older girl) You’re a silly little girl …

    (Younger girl) You’re not my mother so …

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

      I love that pattern. Strangely comforting, I suspect. And strangely annoying, too, I imagine.

      Reply
  3. accidentalstepmom says

    May 11, 2011 at 7:51 am

    “You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs” And apparently, imparting both vocabulary and the concept of consequences. Nice!

    Do you make house calls?

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:36 pm

      I do if there’s a bottle of wine that’s open. 😉

      Reply
  4. Gwen says

    May 11, 2011 at 8:00 am

    I really like that you were good at giving “appropriate time outs”. My twinnies think that there is some room for improvement in my ability to execute time outs. According to them, I often punish the WRONG child… they would prefer the baby put into time outs instead of them. So, well done, You!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:36 pm

      Pretty sure I do that, too. Vivian was cutting me some slack, no doubt, due to it being Mother’s Day.

      Reply
  5. Knox McCoy says

    May 11, 2011 at 8:01 am

    “What are two words that describe Mommy?”
    “Leanne”

    That is simply fantastic.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm

      Yup. We’re working on counting next week.

      Reply
  6. Annie says

    May 11, 2011 at 8:22 am

    I love kid interviews. So cute.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm

      Pretty sure our waiter thought I was nuts, though.

      Reply
  7. Erin says

    May 11, 2011 at 8:44 am

    This is FABULOUS!!! I love the octopus – I love the burping – I love the ending – just awesome!!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:38 pm

      Yes, the octopus. He tasted all the food. And then William licked it off him.

      Reply
  8. Marianne says

    May 11, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I think it is amazing your kids actually answer your questions. My kids start making stories up. I should really start writing those down. I just realized the chicken I started boiling an hour ago is probably done.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      You boil chickens? Why am I flashing back to Fatal Attraction?

      Regarding kids answering questions: just bore them enough. They’ll answer.

      Reply
  9. Tamara says

    May 11, 2011 at 9:08 am

    So we’ve found the one thing IM is appropriate about: time-outs. Love this. Can’t wait til my twins are old enough to insult me over lunch.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      Making me laugh, again, T.

      Reply
  10. Rob Shepherd says

    May 11, 2011 at 9:15 am

    This is great. Thanks for planting the seed of interviewing my kids when I take them out…and they are old enough to speak.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

      You’ll have lots of material soon. Once you get past that bodily fluids stage.

      Reply
  11. The Good Greatsby says

    May 11, 2011 at 9:20 am

    How good of you to keep an eye on the plastic octopus. The kids beg to be able to take their toys with them when we go out, but I know they’ll forget them, so it falls to me to keep an eye on them the whole time to make sure they’re not left behind as a future source of childhood regret.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

      So the rest of what you do is not “a future source of childhood regret”? Pretty sure my entire parenting repertoire is. 😉

      Reply
  12. Heather says

    May 11, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Awww this is such a fun post! My husband had to work too and I was feeling a bit put out by that but it turns out I had good company 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

      You should have come for lunch!

      Reply
  13. julie gardner says

    May 11, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Awesomeness. I particularly like William’s response to “Two words to describe Mommy.”

    I want to interview my own kids now; but I’m afraid of their answers. Especially because, at almost 12 and 14, they will be right…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:42 pm

      Get them to interview you. Now that’d be interesting. And scary.

      Reply
      • Joy says

        May 12, 2011 at 7:01 am

        Now THAT is a great idea. I love hearing the questions kids ask.

        Answering them, on the other hand….

        Reply
  14. Cindy Holman says

    May 11, 2011 at 9:48 am

    So cute! Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:42 pm

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  15. writerwoman61 says

    May 11, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I love that Vivian was trying to help her brother burp…such a good sister!

    I hope you had a nice lunch…

    Wendy

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:43 pm

      She’s a good sister when she’s not being a bad one. The same can be said about me and mothering.

      Reply
  16. Bellymonster says

    May 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

    It’s the octopus warnings that I love best. ESPECIALLY because you chose a not-exactly-octopus-friendly place. Must steal this interview idea for my own kids, though I do worry about their answers….

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      Steal away. It’s a blog post that writes itself.

      Reply
  17. thoughtsappear says

    May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

    “Vivian: I’m trying to make him burp.” —Awesome! She’s gonna be an awesome mommy. I can tell.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      She has to wait at least 25 more years, though.

      Reply
  18. Kim Wilson says

    May 11, 2011 at 11:52 am

    My favorite two lines: “You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs” and “We’re in a booth. We can do whatever we want.” That Vivian is something else and certainly witty beyond her years. I’m pretty sure you’ll never run out of things to blog about. Ever. 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      I fear you may be right, Kim.

      Reply
  19. BigLittleWolf says

    May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Oh, I laughed out loud! Funny how kids see us, and the kids of the same parents see their fathers and mothers so differently.

    Not so funny: We still draw on the table cloths. But only if we have a booth.

    🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm

      LOL. If I’d have known you can do anything in a booth…

      Reply
  20. Meet the Buttrams says

    May 11, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    I love your interviews with your twinkies. And at least Vivian recognized that the time-outs were appropriate and not, like, totally unfair(!).

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:46 pm

      That girl can smell out unfairness if its miles away and buried under a rock. It’s amazing she gave me the benefit of the doubt this time.

      Reply
  21. kristinherdy says

    May 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I like the commentary and appropriate time outs. I will admit, you’re a better mother than I, because I often give less-than-appropriate time outs.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 4:46 pm

      I usually just put myself in time out. It works. Sometimes.

      Reply
  22. Paige Morgan says

    May 11, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Is a time-out inappropriate if I forget to tell them when it’s over?

    Loved this!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 11, 2011 at 8:38 pm

      That’s a brilliant strategy. I’m going to try that.

      Reply
  23. Joy says

    May 12, 2011 at 7:03 am

    “We’re in a booth – we can do whatever we want.”

    Suddenly I understand why my husband always wants a booth in a restaurant. ahem

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 12, 2011 at 8:31 am

      In a dark corner, perhaps?

      Reply
  24. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson says

    May 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

    I read this on my phone when it first was posted, but it is so very perfect.

    And – alas – everyone has already commented on the best parts.

    Except I must ask.

    Really? Did you really think you were going to have a lovely little luncheon?

    Maybe you should call me when ideas like that pop into your head.

    You know, just to run them past another mom.

    Remind me to give you my phone number. 😉

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm

      Well, once last summer, I had a perfect lunch in McNally Robinson book store cafe in Winnipeg (my favourite book store ever). The three of us (my kids and I) had nice chat, grown-up food in this atrium-like atmosphere. I thought I could repeat that.

      Clearly, I need your phone number. Or maybe I can call 1-800-DEL-USION

      Reply
  25. Tracie says

    May 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

    “You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs.” <–that is such a random answer. I love it!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      We’ve got random down.

      Reply
  26. Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos says

    May 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    They do have your drinking preferences down – both of your favorites…

    The octopus had me giggling. That sounds like something one of my children would do.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      I know. Wine and tea. Who needs anything else?

      Reply
  27. Chase McFadden says

    May 13, 2011 at 6:04 am

    “We’re in a booth. We can do whatever we want.” I’m going with that from now on.

    And when a kid is sucking up the bubbles in his milk, the interview needs to take a timeout. Some things in life are just more important.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 15, 2011 at 10:33 pm

      Good luck “going with that from now on.” 😉

      Reply
  28. An Embarrassment of Freedom says

    May 13, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Well done, you’ve captured the fun. For 31 years I taught Kindergarten and had a wealth of funny material at my fingertips…..never wrote the stuff down but I can recall some of it. Every day was full of laughter.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 15, 2011 at 10:34 pm

      I can only imagine. Every kindergarten teacher could write a humor book, I suspect. Maybe you should…

      Reply
  29. The Hook says

    May 15, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Great kids you have there! Seriously, they’re hilarious.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

      May 15, 2011 at 10:34 pm

      Yup, great to laugh at.

      Reply
  30. REscarcega says

    May 18, 2011 at 8:16 am

    You are a champ! We have *1* 6-yr old and his 50 lbs are crushing enough. The sash, ribbon, crown, and title belt are in the mail. 🙂

    Reply

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