I took myself out for lunch on Mother’s Day. I took my children, too, since my husband had to work.
Because I had dreams of a grown-up lunch, the restaurant I chose wasn’t a place that had a children’s menu or a tablecloth you could draw on. As a result, I was stuck entertaining my own kids and monitoring the whereabouts of William’s plastic octopus, a creature he’d been carrying around with him all day.
After we played six rounds of “I’m Going on a Picnic,” I decided to interview my kids. I pulled out my notebook and started asking questions.
Here’s the transcript.
Me: What are two words to describe Mommy?
Vivian: Nice.
William: Leanne.
Me: What is my favourite food?
Vivian: Stuffed mushrooms.
Me: William. Don’t stick your octopus in your chocolate milk. Now what’s your answer? What’s my favourite food?
William: Pizza.
Me: What is my favourite drink?
Vivian: Wine.
William: Tea.
Me: What does Mommy like to do at home?
William: Mom, I’m trying to suck the bubbles out of my milk.
Me: Shush, William.
Vivian: Write.
Me: What?
Vivian: You like to write.
Me: Right. William, what’s your answer? What does Mommy like to do at home?
William: Work.
Me: What does Mommy not like to do at home?
Vivian: Be angry at us.
William: Work.
Me: You just said I like to work.
William: I don’t know.
Me: And get that octopus out of your mouth.
William: Sorry.
Me: Finish the sentence. Mommy sometimes gets angry –
Vivian: When I break something.
William: When I scratch my name on the car.
Me: Got that right.
Me: Finish the sentence. Mommy is very good at –
Vivian: Teaching.
William: Teaching.
Me: What else is Mommy good at?
William: I don’t know.
Me: Vivian, stop lying on the seat. Is teaching all I’m good at?
Vivian: You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs.
Me: William, can you stop slurping your milk? Vivian! Stop hitting him on the back.
Vivian: I’m trying to make him burp.
Me: Stop that.
Vivian: We’re in a booth. We can do whatever we want.
Me: Is that so?
Vivian: Let’s go sit on Mommy.
And there, with 100 lbs of kid weight on my lap, ended the delusion of the grown-up lunch.
***
Any bizarre situations you’ve found yourself in recently?
This? Is awesome!
I can think of a few other adjectives, too.
My two daughters were seven years apart. Most of their arguments began with:
(Older girl) You’re a silly little girl …
(Younger girl) You’re not my mother so …
I love that pattern. Strangely comforting, I suspect. And strangely annoying, too, I imagine.
“You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs” And apparently, imparting both vocabulary and the concept of consequences. Nice!
Do you make house calls?
I do if there’s a bottle of wine that’s open. 😉
I really like that you were good at giving “appropriate time outs”. My twinnies think that there is some room for improvement in my ability to execute time outs. According to them, I often punish the WRONG child… they would prefer the baby put into time outs instead of them. So, well done, You!
Pretty sure I do that, too. Vivian was cutting me some slack, no doubt, due to it being Mother’s Day.
“What are two words that describe Mommy?”
“Leanne”
That is simply fantastic.
Yup. We’re working on counting next week.
I love kid interviews. So cute.
Pretty sure our waiter thought I was nuts, though.
This is FABULOUS!!! I love the octopus – I love the burping – I love the ending – just awesome!!
Yes, the octopus. He tasted all the food. And then William licked it off him.
I think it is amazing your kids actually answer your questions. My kids start making stories up. I should really start writing those down. I just realized the chicken I started boiling an hour ago is probably done.
You boil chickens? Why am I flashing back to Fatal Attraction?
Regarding kids answering questions: just bore them enough. They’ll answer.
So we’ve found the one thing IM is appropriate about: time-outs. Love this. Can’t wait til my twins are old enough to insult me over lunch.
Making me laugh, again, T.
This is great. Thanks for planting the seed of interviewing my kids when I take them out…and they are old enough to speak.
You’ll have lots of material soon. Once you get past that bodily fluids stage.
How good of you to keep an eye on the plastic octopus. The kids beg to be able to take their toys with them when we go out, but I know they’ll forget them, so it falls to me to keep an eye on them the whole time to make sure they’re not left behind as a future source of childhood regret.
So the rest of what you do is not “a future source of childhood regret”? Pretty sure my entire parenting repertoire is. 😉
Awww this is such a fun post! My husband had to work too and I was feeling a bit put out by that but it turns out I had good company 🙂
You should have come for lunch!
Awesomeness. I particularly like William’s response to “Two words to describe Mommy.”
I want to interview my own kids now; but I’m afraid of their answers. Especially because, at almost 12 and 14, they will be right…
Get them to interview you. Now that’d be interesting. And scary.
Now THAT is a great idea. I love hearing the questions kids ask.
Answering them, on the other hand….
So cute! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for stopping by!
I love that Vivian was trying to help her brother burp…such a good sister!
I hope you had a nice lunch…
Wendy
She’s a good sister when she’s not being a bad one. The same can be said about me and mothering.
It’s the octopus warnings that I love best. ESPECIALLY because you chose a not-exactly-octopus-friendly place. Must steal this interview idea for my own kids, though I do worry about their answers….
Steal away. It’s a blog post that writes itself.
“Vivian: I’m trying to make him burp.” —Awesome! She’s gonna be an awesome mommy. I can tell.
She has to wait at least 25 more years, though.
My favorite two lines: “You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs” and “We’re in a booth. We can do whatever we want.” That Vivian is something else and certainly witty beyond her years. I’m pretty sure you’ll never run out of things to blog about. Ever. 🙂
I fear you may be right, Kim.
Oh, I laughed out loud! Funny how kids see us, and the kids of the same parents see their fathers and mothers so differently.
Not so funny: We still draw on the table cloths. But only if we have a booth.
🙂
LOL. If I’d have known you can do anything in a booth…
I love your interviews with your twinkies. And at least Vivian recognized that the time-outs were appropriate and not, like, totally unfair(!).
That girl can smell out unfairness if its miles away and buried under a rock. It’s amazing she gave me the benefit of the doubt this time.
I like the commentary and appropriate time outs. I will admit, you’re a better mother than I, because I often give less-than-appropriate time outs.
I usually just put myself in time out. It works. Sometimes.
Is a time-out inappropriate if I forget to tell them when it’s over?
Loved this!
That’s a brilliant strategy. I’m going to try that.
“We’re in a booth – we can do whatever we want.”
Suddenly I understand why my husband always wants a booth in a restaurant. ahem
In a dark corner, perhaps?
I read this on my phone when it first was posted, but it is so very perfect.
And – alas – everyone has already commented on the best parts.
Except I must ask.
Really? Did you really think you were going to have a lovely little luncheon?
Maybe you should call me when ideas like that pop into your head.
You know, just to run them past another mom.
Remind me to give you my phone number. 😉
Well, once last summer, I had a perfect lunch in McNally Robinson book store cafe in Winnipeg (my favourite book store ever). The three of us (my kids and I) had nice chat, grown-up food in this atrium-like atmosphere. I thought I could repeat that.
Clearly, I need your phone number. Or maybe I can call 1-800-DEL-USION
“You’re good at giving us appropriate time outs.” <–that is such a random answer. I love it!
We’ve got random down.
They do have your drinking preferences down – both of your favorites…
The octopus had me giggling. That sounds like something one of my children would do.
I know. Wine and tea. Who needs anything else?
“We’re in a booth. We can do whatever we want.” I’m going with that from now on.
And when a kid is sucking up the bubbles in his milk, the interview needs to take a timeout. Some things in life are just more important.
Good luck “going with that from now on.” 😉
Well done, you’ve captured the fun. For 31 years I taught Kindergarten and had a wealth of funny material at my fingertips…..never wrote the stuff down but I can recall some of it. Every day was full of laughter.
I can only imagine. Every kindergarten teacher could write a humor book, I suspect. Maybe you should…
Great kids you have there! Seriously, they’re hilarious.
Yup, great to laugh at.
You are a champ! We have *1* 6-yr old and his 50 lbs are crushing enough. The sash, ribbon, crown, and title belt are in the mail. 🙂