It’s time for Search Ironic Mom, when I take real search terms that have led people to my blog and answer them as though they were real questions.
TODAY’S SEARCH IRONIC MOM:
IRONIC MOM ANSWERS:
If you’re looking for things not to teach your children, I’m your woman. Here are five things I don’t recommend going all home-school on:
- How to burp the alphabet. My husband taught our kids this. Or tried.
- How to roll over, shake a paw, and play dead. Yup, blame my husband.
- How to swear. Husband.
- How to slurp Jell-o off a plate. Yup.
- How to use sarcasm. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Your turn:
What advice would you offer this “Googler” on what not to teach his or her children?
(Sarcasm is welcome.)
***
If you’re looking to read more of my writing around the web this week, feel free to check out the following:
- Christmas Songs Annotated by Tired Moms (at NickMom.com)
- The Annual Christmas Tree Fight (my humour column in The Calgary Herald)
Do not teach them to select their own clothes. Oh sure, this sounds like the road to independence, but really it means they want your money and they want you to drive them to the mall.
Hand-me-downs.
We’re still in the hand-me-down stage. Which could explain why my kids rock the homeless look.
Good hint!!
I am sure their are PLENTY things I would like to ‘unteach’ my children!
First, The passing of wind, or gas, is actually NOT funny, regardless of daddy’s attempts to amuse himself with his expressions.
Also, what effect the push button has on the door knob ~can’t blame dad for this one! We had to replace our front door after she experimented with this…and we were all locked out.
Uh oh. Locking everyone out. I hope it wasn’t winter. In Canada.
And gas. Yes…
…to roll their eyes when they think something their mother said is dumb. Trust me.
I am cracking up. That is funny.
Sarcasm as humor. Guilty as charged.
Yes. This is why you belong here. With me. 🙂
From your Calgary article, I need to know if you’re the M&M or Smarties person.
There is no choice. M&Ms. Please tell me you’re on my side!
I love how Thoughts shows up with the REAL issue of the day. And I’m laughing because this matters so much more to her than many other humans 😀
So, Clay. Are you an M&Ms or a Smarties guy?
I read mine last night to my daughter who is home from college and she cracked up at some of them. You gotta believe they were disappointed when originally googling eyebrow transplantation!
Awesome post BTW!
Eyebrow transplantation? Who knew that exists? Of course, this from a woman who found out that labiaplasty existed a year ago…after reading fiction.
Don’t teach your kids how to flap their arms, clap their hands together and honk like a seal. For forty years the seals have been there to cheer me on. When I’m a whimp everyone knows.
Nancy…you know I’m going to do this when you publish your book… 🙂
laconic wit… Mum
flicking rubber bands at people…Dad
Loved the Calgary article!
Rubber bands. Yes… I remember having rubber sealer fights with my best friend and her older brother. We’d wear laundry baskets on our head.
Teaching your daughter that passing gas is funny. Funny at home, not so funny when they grow up a little and let loose at the store and just laugh about it.
Yes. (But it IS funny!)
To drive. I am watching this process with a friend and think it is a really, really bad idea.
Yes, painful. We should all grow up on farms… so we can let them loose at age 10 in a field…
I said to myself, as I was sittin on the sofa to watch TV, “look out big butt coming in – big butt”. My kids now say this every time I sit down, especially when there are visitors.
LMAO
Too funny.
How to shop online. It’s a slippery slope.
Amen Jules! and how to use the I Phone! Ours called England one time! She makes videos too. errrrr!
I found about 200 webcam photos and videos of my 4 yr old…. some of his butt included. Where on Earth did he get that from?
And I thought it was bad my daughter played my Words With Friends moves (yesterday she played IT for 2 points). AHH! But cheaper than calling England…
How to play Call of Duty Black Opts on PS3… husband!
Yup. I get that.
Do not teach your daughter to hold her crotch when she farts. A little extra laundry is easier than getting rid of this pesky habit.
Ha! That is true…but it’s a hilarious visual.
Forget not teaching the kids this.
I plan to use this bit of advice myself going forward…
Ha!
Be careful what you say when you think they are asleep in the car seat.
My standard invective for crazy dangerous drivers was “stupid bas#&$@” my wife was apparently saying “&%#hole”. My younger son was cruising along in his car seat at age two and saw a wild driver weaving through traffic. He called him a “stupid basshole”.
They are not always asleep when they appear to be.
Ha. That is true. And hilarious!
I offer my most recent Facebook post, with the caveat that my husband must have taught them this: “I just cracked the code: I just called unnamed 13yo boy on his helplessness re: where to dry his wet pants (in front of the wood stove), and he actually said, “Oh. Now we just go to plan B, where we do it wrong so you do it for us.” MEN, YOU ARE SO BUSTED.”
Busted indeed. They can be clever, can’t they?
I taught my nephew and niece, then aged 3 and 5, how to thumb their noses and blow raspberries at their mother. Oops. On the other hand, what are uncles for?
Matthew
http://mjwrightnz.wordpress.com
http://www.matthewwright.net
Agreed. An uncle’s job is partially to annoy his sibling. You’ve done well, Matthew. 😉
What my husband has taught my children is that their Mother might be insane and that they shouldn’t worry too much because genetically they still have a 50% chance of turning out normal. I like to teach my children that All Parenting Techniques Fail and that I’m not trying to win any awards at it – just look at all the people in the world that were raised by ‘Parents’ – not many of the recipes win and most of the Success Stories are Self Made. Independence from early on doesn’t hurt too much.Thanks for another great post!
I love the recipe analogy. Except…what if you ruin the recipe? Ahh!
Do not teach children how to smoke or drink.
I’ll have to get right on that. 😉
That’s hilarious! I would love to answer some of my spam comments, but, since they mainly deal with Asian porn, I think I lack the requisite expertise. LOL. Happy Holidays.
😆 I feel your pain – I had the same quandry and dealt with it in this way: http://teamoyeniyi.com/2011/11/12/www-qatarsex-com/
You both get way more interesting search terms than me. And I’m kind of thankful!
I didn’t think before I posted. If it is inappropriate for your site, please delete my comment. The article is harmless though!!
Ha. There is no line of appropriateness with me! 🙂
Don’t teach your kids to play musical instruments that actually make noise.
For real.
Yes. I concur. Especially if you have to sit through parented music lessons.
Don’t teach your children that their grandma (your mother-in-law)is a crazy old bat–unless you want her to be taught that too.
Ha! That would be funny to hear…unless it’s your mother in law, of course. 😉
Never, Never, Never teach your children how to home brew beer. It makes a very sticky mess in the kitchen!
Teaching them how to drive when they can barely reach the peddles (yep,hubby). I am just so sure this is going to come back to haunt me.
Um, yah … nope can’t put on paper, I mean think of ANYTHING that I shouldn’t have taught my children. [Just don’t ask my wife if that’s true!] 🙂
The title alone is pure genius!