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Things You Shouldn't Teach Your Children

It’s time for Search Ironic Mom, when I take real search terms that have led people to my blog and answer them as though they were real questions.

TODAY’S SEARCH IRONIC MOM:

IRONIC MOM ANSWERS:

If you’re looking for things not to teach your children, I’m your woman. Here are five things I don’t recommend going all home-school on:

  1. How to burp the alphabet. My husband taught our kids this. Or tried.
  2. How to roll over, shake a paw, and play dead. Yup, blame my husband.
  3. How to swear. Husband.
  4. How to slurp Jell-o off a plate. Yup.
  5. How to use sarcasm. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Your turn:

What advice would you offer this “Googler” on what not to teach his or her children?
(Sarcasm is welcome.)

***

If you’re looking to read more of my writing around the web this week, feel free to check out the following:

  • Christmas Songs Annotated by Tired Moms (at NickMom.com)
  • The Annual Christmas Tree Fight (my humour column in The Calgary Herald)

Filed Under: Search Ironic Mom Tagged With: funny, humor, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, mom, parenting, twins

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. RenΓ©e A. Schuls-Jacobson says

    December 16, 2011 at 6:03 am

    Do not teach them to select their own clothes. Oh sure, this sounds like the road to independence, but really it means they want your money and they want you to drive them to the mall.

    Hand-me-downs.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

      We’re still in the hand-me-down stage. Which could explain why my kids rock the homeless look.

      Reply
    • Team Oyeniyi says

      December 17, 2011 at 2:44 am

      Good hint!!

      Reply
  2. Our Life In 3D says

    December 16, 2011 at 6:29 am

    I am sure their are PLENTY things I would like to ‘unteach’ my children!
    First, The passing of wind, or gas, is actually NOT funny, regardless of daddy’s attempts to amuse himself with his expressions.

    Also, what effect the push button has on the door knob ~can’t blame dad for this one! We had to replace our front door after she experimented with this…and we were all locked out.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

      Uh oh. Locking everyone out. I hope it wasn’t winter. In Canada.

      And gas. Yes…

      Reply
  3. Darren Sutton says

    December 16, 2011 at 6:35 am

    …to roll their eyes when they think something their mother said is dumb. Trust me.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm

      I am cracking up. That is funny.

      Reply
  4. Karen Moret Harrison says

    December 16, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Sarcasm as humor. Guilty as charged.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm

      Yes. This is why you belong here. With me. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  5. thoughtsappear says

    December 16, 2011 at 6:42 am

    From your Calgary article, I need to know if you’re the M&M or Smarties person.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm

      There is no choice. M&Ms. Please tell me you’re on my side!

      Reply
    • educlaytion says

      December 17, 2011 at 11:50 am

      I love how Thoughts shows up with the REAL issue of the day. And I’m laughing because this matters so much more to her than many other humans πŸ˜€

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe says

        December 17, 2011 at 4:00 pm

        So, Clay. Are you an M&Ms or a Smarties guy?

        Reply
  6. susielindau says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:21 am

    I read mine last night to my daughter who is home from college and she cracked up at some of them. You gotta believe they were disappointed when originally googling eyebrow transplantation!

    Reply
  7. susielindau says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Awesome post BTW!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm

      Eyebrow transplantation? Who knew that exists? Of course, this from a woman who found out that labiaplasty existed a year ago…after reading fiction.

      Reply
  8. nancymhayes says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Don’t teach your kids how to flap their arms, clap their hands together and honk like a seal. For forty years the seals have been there to cheer me on. When I’m a whimp everyone knows.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

      Nancy…you know I’m going to do this when you publish your book… πŸ™‚

      Reply
  9. vixytwix says

    December 16, 2011 at 8:02 am

    laconic wit… Mum
    flicking rubber bands at people…Dad
    Loved the Calgary article!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

      Rubber bands. Yes… I remember having rubber sealer fights with my best friend and her older brother. We’d wear laundry baskets on our head.

      Reply
  10. My Wife Doesn't Think I'm Funny says

    December 16, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Teaching your daughter that passing gas is funny. Funny at home, not so funny when they grow up a little and let loose at the store and just laugh about it.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:03 pm

      Yes. (But it IS funny!)

      Reply
  11. Marianne says

    December 16, 2011 at 9:07 am

    To drive. I am watching this process with a friend and think it is a really, really bad idea.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:03 pm

      Yes, painful. We should all grow up on farms… so we can let them loose at age 10 in a field…

      Reply
  12. CC says

    December 16, 2011 at 9:57 am

    I said to myself, as I was sittin on the sofa to watch TV, “look out big butt coming in – big butt”. My kids now say this every time I sit down, especially when there are visitors.

    Reply
    • Cheryl says

      December 16, 2011 at 1:40 pm

      LMAO

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe says

        December 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm

        Too funny.

        Reply
  13. gojulesgo says

    December 16, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    How to shop online. It’s a slippery slope.

    Reply
    • Our Life In 3D says

      December 16, 2011 at 12:51 pm

      Amen Jules! and how to use the I Phone! Ours called England one time! She makes videos too. errrrr!

      Reply
      • midnitechef says

        December 16, 2011 at 3:20 pm

        I found about 200 webcam photos and videos of my 4 yr old…. some of his butt included. Where on Earth did he get that from?

        Reply
        • Leanne Shirtliffe says

          December 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm

          And I thought it was bad my daughter played my Words With Friends moves (yesterday she played IT for 2 points). AHH! But cheaper than calling England…

          Reply
  14. midnitechef says

    December 16, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    How to play Call of Duty Black Opts on PS3… husband!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm

      Yup. I get that.

      Reply
  15. kvetchmom says

    December 16, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Do not teach your daughter to hold her crotch when she farts. A little extra laundry is easier than getting rid of this pesky habit.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm

      Ha! That is true…but it’s a hilarious visual.

      Reply
    • julie gardner says

      December 17, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      Forget not teaching the kids this.

      I plan to use this bit of advice myself going forward…

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe says

        December 17, 2011 at 3:55 pm

        Ha!

        Reply
  16. J Holmes says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Be careful what you say when you think they are asleep in the car seat.
    My standard invective for crazy dangerous drivers was “stupid bas#&$@” my wife was apparently saying “&%#hole”. My younger son was cruising along in his car seat at age two and saw a wild driver weaving through traffic. He called him a “stupid basshole”.

    They are not always asleep when they appear to be.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 16, 2011 at 7:25 pm

      Ha. That is true. And hilarious!

      Reply
  17. jesslahey says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    I offer my most recent Facebook post, with the caveat that my husband must have taught them this: “I just cracked the code: I just called unnamed 13yo boy on his helplessness re: where to dry his wet pants (in front of the wood stove), and he actually said, “Oh. Now we just go to plan B, where we do it wrong so you do it for us.” MEN, YOU ARE SO BUSTED.”

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

      Busted indeed. They can be clever, can’t they?

      Reply
  18. Matthew Wright says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    I taught my nephew and niece, then aged 3 and 5, how to thumb their noses and blow raspberries at their mother. Oops. On the other hand, what are uncles for?

    Matthew
    http://mjwrightnz.wordpress.com
    http://www.matthewwright.net

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

      Agreed. An uncle’s job is partially to annoy his sibling. You’ve done well, Matthew. πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  19. meladjusted says

    December 16, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    What my husband has taught my children is that their Mother might be insane and that they shouldn’t worry too much because genetically they still have a 50% chance of turning out normal. I like to teach my children that All Parenting Techniques Fail and that I’m not trying to win any awards at it – just look at all the people in the world that were raised by ‘Parents’ – not many of the recipes win and most of the Success Stories are Self Made. Independence from early on doesn’t hurt too much.Thanks for another great post!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 17, 2011 at 3:57 pm

      I love the recipe analogy. Except…what if you ruin the recipe? Ahh!

      Reply
  20. Team Oyeniyi says

    December 17, 2011 at 2:40 am

    Do not teach children how to smoke or drink.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 17, 2011 at 3:57 pm

      I’ll have to get right on that. πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  21. Pamela says

    December 17, 2011 at 11:19 am

    That’s hilarious! I would love to answer some of my spam comments, but, since they mainly deal with Asian porn, I think I lack the requisite expertise. LOL. Happy Holidays.

    Reply
    • Team Oyeniyi says

      December 17, 2011 at 3:28 pm

      πŸ˜† I feel your pain – I had the same quandry and dealt with it in this way: http://teamoyeniyi.com/2011/11/12/www-qatarsex-com/

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe says

        December 17, 2011 at 4:01 pm

        You both get way more interesting search terms than me. And I’m kind of thankful!

        Reply
        • Team Oyeniyi says

          December 17, 2011 at 4:15 pm

          I didn’t think before I posted. If it is inappropriate for your site, please delete my comment. The article is harmless though!!

          Reply
          • Leanne Shirtliffe says

            December 17, 2011 at 4:21 pm

            Ha. There is no line of appropriateness with me! πŸ™‚

  22. julie gardner says

    December 17, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Don’t teach your kids to play musical instruments that actually make noise.

    For real.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 17, 2011 at 4:01 pm

      Yes. I concur. Especially if you have to sit through parented music lessons.

      Reply
  23. mooremom523 says

    December 17, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Don’t teach your children that their grandma (your mother-in-law)is a crazy old bat–unless you want her to be taught that too.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 17, 2011 at 4:02 pm

      Ha! That would be funny to hear…unless it’s your mother in law, of course. πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  24. pig01 says

    December 17, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Never, Never, Never teach your children how to home brew beer. It makes a very sticky mess in the kitchen!

    Reply
  25. paula says

    December 17, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Teaching them how to drive when they can barely reach the peddles (yep,hubby). I am just so sure this is going to come back to haunt me.

    Reply
  26. mj monaghan says

    December 19, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Um, yah … nope can’t put on paper, I mean think of ANYTHING that I shouldn’t have taught my children. [Just don’t ask my wife if that’s true!] πŸ™‚

    Reply
  27. The Hook says

    December 23, 2011 at 8:21 am

    The title alone is pure genius!

    Reply

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