A little fictional word play for you this Monday before Christmas. Enjoy!
Dear Santa:
I’m sorry I wasn’t naughty enough this year. I didn’t even get to the mall to do a little lap dance sit on your lap. I’m sure your endless shifts have made you sick of kids kicking you, asking you for every toy in the catalog, and drooling all over your outfit. Kind of like being a mom.
I’d really like my own fleet of elves, Santa. Not more children; I’d like some pointy-eared cuties that will listen to me. If you can’t bring me men in tights, I’d like a power tool. I’m not referring to my husband.
And Santa, I’m sorry I’m unable to leave you a glass of milk. I stopped breastfeeding years ago.
Signed,
N.E. Mom
P.S. If you think you have it tough with all your deliveries, try giving birth.
xoxo
***
Your turn:
Have you been naughty or nice? What would you like for Christmas?
As always, fiction, sarcasm and satire are welcome.
Fantastic, I loved it. Please don’t stop. There is one thing though I have never thought of before. Now I wonder just what kind of milk people do leave for Santa.
Pig
Thanks. I think I went where no blogger has gone before on this one.
Ouch! Somebody sounds mad!
All fictional!
Hilarious. Loved the line “I stopped breastfeeding years ago.”
Thanks. Still can’t believe I pressed “publish” on this one…
I think naughty is nice… depending on the circumstances!
As for what I want for Xmas? More of this… for Ashley, the Kidney Cutie, so she gets her kidney transplant for Xmas!
http://cota.donorpages.com/PatientOnlineDonation/COTAforAshleyQ/
A brilliant cause. Thank you.
Dear Santa,
What do I want for Christmas? Let’s start with some snow–I mean c’mon man if I’m in Iowa and freezing my back side off I at least deserve a scenic view. I would also appreciate it if you spoke to my daughter about laying off the poopy diapers. What magic do you have for that little problem? I want an elf to come take all the ornaments off my tree and sweep up all these pine needles too. Everyone talks about the joys of Holiday decorating but stays mum about the terror of putting it all away. Perhaps I’m asking for too much but if I could mention one more thing..please disconnect my husband’s new video game system for about 48 hours and inspire him to cook, clean, and change a few poopy diapers that would be amazing.
All my Love,
Jess
Taking down the tree. It’s like Lent follows Christmas… Regarding your husband: maybe bring him a glass of your milk. 😉
Hey Santa, sorry about the total scream-fest with my two-year old at the mall last week. Sorry she writhed and flailed on your lap like she was on fire. I’m sure that’s what you really needed at the end of your 12 hour shift. And, yes…don’t worry…we’ll be back again next year.
Ha. Funny. As long as it’s someone else’s kid (and I’m not Santa). 🙂
Dear Santa,
I think I have been more nice than naughty, but the jury is still out. I was wondering if deep in your bag you have a massage, pedicure and wax? I could use some ME time this year!
Love,
Susie
(I have the most cliche name for Christmas don’t you think?)
I love your name. But yes. Spa treatments for moms!
#speechless
Really? Did I cross your line?
You could never cross my line, however you clearly crossed yours 😉
Good job
Walking the line… 🙂
I grew up in Las Vegas. My line was in the Dunes hotel when it was blown up.
If I asked for elves, I know I would get pregnant. Plus, I may trip over their pointy shoes. I want full size servants.
I’d settle for those too. Do you think I could ask for a servant who looks like Colin Firth?
Dear Santa,
No food processors this year, okay?
Love,
The wife of a power tool. Obviously.
Bwahaha.
“power tool” LMAO
Oh, I made a detailed letter to Santa, this year…..
http://www.paigekellerman.com/2011/12/dear-santa-and-giveaway.html
I love your letter. After our babies were born, I started wearing earplugs and still heard the kids before my husband. Sigh…
I need a pixie alarm. Something to detect when my 2 year old is about to take a Sharpie marker to doodle all over the walls and furniture. Otherwise, Santa can look at my Amazon wish list for ideas 🙂
Amazon wish list. Sweet!
Oh those Sharpies are dangerous! I suppose I should be happy my 2 year old perfers to ink himself rather than the walls – it comes off much easier…in time.
Leanne, that lap dance would have gone a long way to make up for the being kicked, endless toy catalogs, the bawling, and having my beard tug on all day. It mighta got you that little band of elves you asked for on your list. Just something to think about for next year.
~Santa
Dear Santa,
You’re cracking me up. And I’m thinking about next year…
Great! Something to look forward to then! But, lets just keep it a secret from Mrs. Clause. And I’ll leave the beverage to wash down the cookies to your discretion. What ever rumor you heard about my preferences is way off base…and the Irish Whiskey last year only slowed me down.
Dearest Santa, Do you think Mrs. C puts gives you whiskey on purpose? Just wondering…
She says it makes me more ‘agreeable’, what ever that means? It just helps up here in the North Pole with all these elves running around, leaving their toys all over the place. Have a Merry Christmas Ms. N. N. Mom! See you in a few..if I can get this turbo-charge 3000 working.
Go Santa! Hope you have the energy to last long enough. 😉
O.M.G LOVED it – hysterical! Woot woot!
Thanks, Natalie. May you get everything you wish for!
“…I’d like a power tool. I’m not referring to my husband…” BWAHAHAHA I darn near PMP laughing so hard. This is an all-time pick-me-up-when-I’m-down post…or I suppose if I ever have performance anxiety when I’m trying to pee I could pull out the iPad, pop this open and it would likely take care of the problem. I’d have a whole new public indecency issue to deal with but “whatever” as Vivian would likely say. 🙂
AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME – Thanks L
You’re funny, Reba. Performance Anxiety Peeing? PAP? No wait…that’s something else that’s uncomfortable.
Thanks for the kind comment and RT!
I love the P.S. Santa better not pout…better not cry…unless he’s pushing out a 9 pound turkey. LOL
Love the turkey reference, Annie. 🙂
I’ve been nice. I’m always on the Nice List. And I just did a post about what I wanted from Santa today. Except I want a Kindle, too.
You are nice. And Kindles are great!
For those who want to read Thoughtsie’s post, here it is! http://thoughtsappear.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/dear-santa-its-me-thoughtsy/
When you’re done with the elves, please send them my way. Power tools are optional.
Elves with power tools. Now you’re talking.
I for one have never made breast milk for Santa. I wonder if you can milk an elf.
And suddenly I’m reminded of David Sedaris’ story of working for as an elf one Christmas. I don’t think it involved milking, but you made my mind go sideways.
I think you can milk anything with nipples. I learned that from Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro.
Funny stuff. I think I’ve been nice this year…although I have been a wee bit grumpy. I blame that on my twins and their ability to jack up my sleep. I love em, but they make me tired.
Twins – I mean lack of sleep – will do that to a person. You will eventually get more sleep, but it’ll never feel like as much as you had before.
Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year, I’d like a repeat of my 50th birthday in July…the one where the kids cleaned up the house while I was gone? That was awesome…best present ever!
Thank you…
Wendy
P.S. If the elves could stop by after Christmas, and undecorate the tree, and put it away, that would be great too.
That would be a magical elf. And a clean house? Yes!
Dear Santa,
I’d like to make it through the next six years with my teenager and keep my sanity. He’s the ‘good’ one and I’ve already lived through the challenging one, so I think I paid my dues and I’m good to go on the attitude.
A few elves to help out around the house so I can keep up with my writing would be awesome.
Kthxbai.
tameri…
ps, I’ve got cookies and milk and if you are lame with the teenager thing, I’ve got exlax as well. Jus sayin ~ it’s a loooong night for you.
Ha. The next 6 years. I like your long term planning.
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!!!
🙂
I would really like it if the people in the hotel room next door would stop having such loud sex and just go to bed already.
Seriously? It’s been 2 hours!
I’ll take my wish in advance, Santa, baby.
Oh my. Hope you got some sleep. Hope your neighbours did too.
Dear Santa,
Thanks for moving Leanne’s “nice” line a little closer to the “naughty” one and redrawing it. We will let you know when she REALLY crosses the line. *wink wink*
Sincerely,
Leanne’s Blog Friends
Ha!
Dear Santa: I seem to have been blessed with a line that moves…
I’ve been naughty. But that’s the way the hubs likes it. 😉
I want a laptop. That is all. Well, maybe a little peace and quiet and a night to myself without having to make dinner, force feed my wee ones and put them to bed. Yes, a night off would be very nice. Either elves or the hubs. Whatever works.
A night off. Indeed. I often tell my husband I’d like 24 hours in a boutique hotel (with wireless…and maybe a spa). By myself. Sigh. Someday!
I just want Justin Timberlake to bring sexy back. I even blogged about it, so I think my chances are good.
A great wish! Here’s the link for those who’d like the same thing: http://goguiltypleasures.com/2011/12/18/dear-justin-please-bring-sexy-back-its-like-my-christmas-wish/
Also, did you know I sat in Justin’s seat a mere 12 hours after the Oscars? I was at Oprah’s After-Oscar show at the Kodak Theatre this past year. 🙂
Dear Santa,
I need a new charger for my power tool. I’m also pretty sure the one I got has been refurbished…several times. Actually, I wouldn’t mind a new power tool, but please make sure this one’s not a fire hazard and comes with a longer warranty.
“P.S. If you think you have it tough with all your deliveries, try giving birth.”
Pure gold!