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A Naughty Letter to Santa from a Mom

A little fictional word play for you this Monday before Christmas. Enjoy!


Dear Santa:

I’m sorry I wasn’t naughty enough this year. I didn’t even get to the mall to do a little lap dance sit on your lap. I’m sure your endless shifts have made you sick of kids kicking you, asking you for every toy in the catalog, and drooling all over your outfit. Kind of like being a mom.

I’d really like my own fleet of elves, Santa. Not more children; I’d like some pointy-eared cuties that will listen to me. If you can’t bring me men in tights, I’d like a power tool. I’m not referring to my husband.

And Santa, I’m sorry I’m unable to leave you a glass of milk. I stopped breastfeeding years ago.

Signed,
N.E. Mom

P.S. If you think you have it tough with all your deliveries, try giving birth.
xoxo

***

Your turn:

Have you been naughty or nice? What would you like for Christmas?

As always, fiction, sarcasm and satire are welcome.

Filed Under: Finding Humor Everywhere Tagged With: blog, funny, humor, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, mom, parenting

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Pig Meinhardt says

    December 19, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Fantastic, I loved it. Please don’t stop. There is one thing though I have never thought of before. Now I wonder just what kind of milk people do leave for Santa.
    Pig

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:39 pm

      Thanks. I think I went where no blogger has gone before on this one.

      Reply
  2. Vinay Antony Payyapilly says

    December 19, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Ouch! Somebody sounds mad!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:40 pm

      All fictional!

      Reply
  3. Running from Hell with El says

    December 19, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Hilarious. Loved the line “I stopped breastfeeding years ago.”

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:41 pm

      Thanks. Still can’t believe I pressed “publish” on this one…

      Reply
  4. BigLittleWolf says

    December 19, 2011 at 7:19 am

    I think naughty is nice… depending on the circumstances!

    As for what I want for Xmas? More of this… for Ashley, the Kidney Cutie, so she gets her kidney transplant for Xmas!

    http://cota.donorpages.com/PatientOnlineDonation/COTAforAshleyQ/

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:41 pm

      A brilliant cause. Thank you.

      Reply
  5. mooremom523 says

    December 19, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Dear Santa,

    What do I want for Christmas? Let’s start with some snow–I mean c’mon man if I’m in Iowa and freezing my back side off I at least deserve a scenic view. I would also appreciate it if you spoke to my daughter about laying off the poopy diapers. What magic do you have for that little problem? I want an elf to come take all the ornaments off my tree and sweep up all these pine needles too. Everyone talks about the joys of Holiday decorating but stays mum about the terror of putting it all away. Perhaps I’m asking for too much but if I could mention one more thing..please disconnect my husband’s new video game system for about 48 hours and inspire him to cook, clean, and change a few poopy diapers that would be amazing.

    All my Love,

    Jess

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

      Taking down the tree. It’s like Lent follows Christmas… Regarding your husband: maybe bring him a glass of your milk. 😉

      Reply
  6. Susan says

    December 19, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Hey Santa, sorry about the total scream-fest with my two-year old at the mall last week. Sorry she writhed and flailed on your lap like she was on fire. I’m sure that’s what you really needed at the end of your 12 hour shift. And, yes…don’t worry…we’ll be back again next year.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm

      Ha. Funny. As long as it’s someone else’s kid (and I’m not Santa). 🙂

      Reply
  7. susielindau says

    December 19, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Dear Santa,
    I think I have been more nice than naughty, but the jury is still out. I was wondering if deep in your bag you have a massage, pedicure and wax? I could use some ME time this year!
    Love,
    Susie
    (I have the most cliche name for Christmas don’t you think?)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm

      I love your name. But yes. Spa treatments for moms!

      Reply
  8. Smplefy says

    December 19, 2011 at 8:21 am

    #speechless

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      Really? Did I cross your line?

      Reply
      • Smplefy says

        December 19, 2011 at 7:32 pm

        You could never cross my line, however you clearly crossed yours 😉

        Good job

        Reply
        • Leanne Shirtliffe says

          December 19, 2011 at 8:56 pm

          Walking the line… 🙂

          Reply
          • Smplefy says

            December 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

            I grew up in Las Vegas. My line was in the Dunes hotel when it was blown up.

  9. Marianne says

    December 19, 2011 at 9:20 am

    If I asked for elves, I know I would get pregnant. Plus, I may trip over their pointy shoes. I want full size servants.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      I’d settle for those too. Do you think I could ask for a servant who looks like Colin Firth?

      Reply
  10. julie gardner says

    December 19, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Dear Santa,

    No food processors this year, okay?

    Love,

    The wife of a power tool. Obviously.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      Bwahaha.

      Reply
  11. Paige Kellerman says

    December 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

    “power tool” LMAO
    Oh, I made a detailed letter to Santa, this year…..
    http://www.paigekellerman.com/2011/12/dear-santa-and-giveaway.html

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm

      I love your letter. After our babies were born, I started wearing earplugs and still heard the kids before my husband. Sigh…

      Reply
  12. midnitechef says

    December 19, 2011 at 10:23 am

    I need a pixie alarm. Something to detect when my 2 year old is about to take a Sharpie marker to doodle all over the walls and furniture. Otherwise, Santa can look at my Amazon wish list for ideas 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm

      Amazon wish list. Sweet!

      Reply
    • Nights says

      December 22, 2011 at 6:50 am

      Oh those Sharpies are dangerous! I suppose I should be happy my 2 year old perfers to ink himself rather than the walls – it comes off much easier…in time.

      Reply
  13. Our Life In 3D says

    December 19, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Leanne, that lap dance would have gone a long way to make up for the being kicked, endless toy catalogs, the bawling, and having my beard tug on all day. It mighta got you that little band of elves you asked for on your list. Just something to think about for next year.

    ~Santa

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

      Dear Santa,

      You’re cracking me up. And I’m thinking about next year…

      Reply
      • Our Life In 3D says

        December 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

        Great! Something to look forward to then! But, lets just keep it a secret from Mrs. Clause. And I’ll leave the beverage to wash down the cookies to your discretion. What ever rumor you heard about my preferences is way off base…and the Irish Whiskey last year only slowed me down.

        Reply
        • Leanne Shirtliffe says

          December 19, 2011 at 8:57 pm

          Dearest Santa, Do you think Mrs. C puts gives you whiskey on purpose? Just wondering…

          Reply
          • Our Life In 3D says

            December 20, 2011 at 6:56 am

            She says it makes me more ‘agreeable’, what ever that means? It just helps up here in the North Pole with all these elves running around, leaving their toys all over the place. Have a Merry Christmas Ms. N. N. Mom! See you in a few..if I can get this turbo-charge 3000 working.

          • Leanne Shirtliffe says

            December 20, 2011 at 10:51 am

            Go Santa! Hope you have the energy to last long enough. 😉

  14. Natalie Hartford says

    December 19, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    O.M.G LOVED it – hysterical! Woot woot!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

      Thanks, Natalie. May you get everything you wish for!

      Reply
  15. rebaverrall says

    December 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    “…I’d like a power tool. I’m not referring to my husband…” BWAHAHAHA I darn near PMP laughing so hard. This is an all-time pick-me-up-when-I’m-down post…or I suppose if I ever have performance anxiety when I’m trying to pee I could pull out the iPad, pop this open and it would likely take care of the problem. I’d have a whole new public indecency issue to deal with but “whatever” as Vivian would likely say. 🙂

    AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME – Thanks L

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      You’re funny, Reba. Performance Anxiety Peeing? PAP? No wait…that’s something else that’s uncomfortable.

      Thanks for the kind comment and RT!

      Reply
  16. Annie says

    December 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I love the P.S. Santa better not pout…better not cry…unless he’s pushing out a 9 pound turkey. LOL

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      Love the turkey reference, Annie. 🙂

      Reply
  17. thoughtsappear says

    December 19, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    I’ve been nice. I’m always on the Nice List. And I just did a post about what I wanted from Santa today. Except I want a Kindle, too.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 7:35 pm

      You are nice. And Kindles are great!

      For those who want to read Thoughtsie’s post, here it is! http://thoughtsappear.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/dear-santa-its-me-thoughtsy/

      Reply
  18. Lori Dyan says

    December 19, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    When you’re done with the elves, please send them my way. Power tools are optional.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      Elves with power tools. Now you’re talking.

      Reply
  19. educlaytion says

    December 19, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    I for one have never made breast milk for Santa. I wonder if you can milk an elf.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 7:54 pm

      And suddenly I’m reminded of David Sedaris’ story of working for as an elf one Christmas. I don’t think it involved milking, but you made my mind go sideways.

      Reply
    • thoughtsappear says

      December 20, 2011 at 5:22 am

      I think you can milk anything with nipples. I learned that from Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro.

      Reply
  20. robshep says

    December 19, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Funny stuff. I think I’ve been nice this year…although I have been a wee bit grumpy. I blame that on my twins and their ability to jack up my sleep. I love em, but they make me tired.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 7:55 pm

      Twins – I mean lack of sleep – will do that to a person. You will eventually get more sleep, but it’ll never feel like as much as you had before.

      Reply
  21. writerwoman61 says

    December 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Dear Santa,

    For Christmas this year, I’d like a repeat of my 50th birthday in July…the one where the kids cleaned up the house while I was gone? That was awesome…best present ever!

    Thank you…

    Wendy

    P.S. If the elves could stop by after Christmas, and undecorate the tree, and put it away, that would be great too.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 7:55 pm

      That would be a magical elf. And a clean house? Yes!

      Reply
  22. Tameri Etherton says

    December 19, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Dear Santa,

    I’d like to make it through the next six years with my teenager and keep my sanity. He’s the ‘good’ one and I’ve already lived through the challenging one, so I think I paid my dues and I’m good to go on the attitude.

    A few elves to help out around the house so I can keep up with my writing would be awesome.

    Kthxbai.

    tameri…

    ps, I’ve got cookies and milk and if you are lame with the teenager thing, I’ve got exlax as well. Jus sayin ~ it’s a loooong night for you.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 19, 2011 at 8:55 pm

      Ha. The next 6 years. I like your long term planning.

      Reply
  23. jmgoyder says

    December 19, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!!!

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 20, 2011 at 10:48 am

      🙂

      Reply
  24. Renee Schuls-Jacobson says

    December 19, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    I would really like it if the people in the hotel room next door would stop having such loud sex and just go to bed already.

    Seriously? It’s been 2 hours!

    I’ll take my wish in advance, Santa, baby.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 20, 2011 at 10:49 am

      Oh my. Hope you got some sleep. Hope your neighbours did too.

      Reply
  25. mj monaghan says

    December 19, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    Dear Santa,
    Thanks for moving Leanne’s “nice” line a little closer to the “naughty” one and redrawing it. We will let you know when she REALLY crosses the line. *wink wink*

    Sincerely,
    Leanne’s Blog Friends

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 20, 2011 at 10:50 am

      Ha!

      Dear Santa: I seem to have been blessed with a line that moves…

      Reply
  26. mistyslaws says

    December 20, 2011 at 10:51 am

    I’ve been naughty. But that’s the way the hubs likes it. 😉

    I want a laptop. That is all. Well, maybe a little peace and quiet and a night to myself without having to make dinner, force feed my wee ones and put them to bed. Yes, a night off would be very nice. Either elves or the hubs. Whatever works.

    Reply
  27. Leanne Shirtliffe says

    December 20, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    A night off. Indeed. I often tell my husband I’d like 24 hours in a boutique hotel (with wireless…and maybe a spa). By myself. Sigh. Someday!

    Reply
  28. gojulesgo says

    December 20, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I just want Justin Timberlake to bring sexy back. I even blogged about it, so I think my chances are good.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      December 20, 2011 at 2:55 pm

      A great wish! Here’s the link for those who’d like the same thing: http://goguiltypleasures.com/2011/12/18/dear-justin-please-bring-sexy-back-its-like-my-christmas-wish/

      Also, did you know I sat in Justin’s seat a mere 12 hours after the Oscars? I was at Oprah’s After-Oscar show at the Kodak Theatre this past year. 🙂

      Reply
  29. lostnchina says

    December 21, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Dear Santa,

    I need a new charger for my power tool. I’m also pretty sure the one I got has been refurbished…several times. Actually, I wouldn’t mind a new power tool, but please make sure this one’s not a fire hazard and comes with a longer warranty.

    Reply
  30. The Hook says

    December 23, 2011 at 8:18 am

    “P.S. If you think you have it tough with all your deliveries, try giving birth.”
    Pure gold!

    Reply

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