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“Why Don’t You Love Me, Mom?”: a book by my daughter

It started as a perfect weekend morning. I was in bed drifting in and out of a sluggish slumber, Vivian was cuddling into my side, and William was seated between my feet. Some cartoon marathon that I couldn’t hear due to my earplugs was playing on the TV.

Of course, if it starts as a perfect morning, there has to be a moment when you freefall from heaven’s gates. That moment came just after William asked for a turn using the remote control. Vivian listened. She launched the remote at his head with accuracy that could make her throwing arm the answer to the Jays’ bullpen problems.

Will didn’t cry, but he did complain. He was rubbing his forehead when I pressed my face off my pillow. I removed one of my earplugs. Vivian didn’t apologize.

So I did what every parent who’s sleep and caffeine deprived does. I overreacted.

“Vivian,” I snapped. “Say you’re sorry.”

She looked at me with wonder.

I took this as defiance. “You can’t whack someone in the head and not say you’re sorry!”

Demonstrating the for-every-action-there-is-reaction principle, she took my anger-induced fastball and knocked it over the fence with a single swing, which—in this case—meant stomping out of the bedroom and slamming the door.

I drifted back to sleep.

Five minutes later, I took out my second earplug and yelled again. “Viv? You okay?”

“Yes!”

I grabbed five more minutes before I showered.

When I came out of the bathroom, Vivian was seated on the edge of my bed, a homemade book in her hand.

I read the title: “Why Don’t You Love Me Mom?”

I knew I was in for it.

Now you’ll know too.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA0utlljjdQ]

After reading Vivian’s book to myself, I did what any mom with half a heart would do: I gave her a hug and defended myself debate style.

But before I could get to my second rebuttal, Vivian interrupted me.

“Mom,” she said, “you have a booger in your nose.”

“Right,” I said, readjusting my sopping towel so I could grab a Kleenex with an ounce of dignity.

After blowing my nose, I reassured Vivian that I loved her forever and for always.

She was not happy to hear this. She looked up at me and said, “You mean I made this book for nothing?”

“Not really,” I said, stalling.

“I even googled ‘how to make your mom love you,’” she said.

“You did? What did you learn?”

“That you should make your mom a craft.”

 *

What have you googled recently? Or, what “should” you google?

Filed Under: Lackluster Parenting, The Anti-Craft Tagged With: blog, book, funny, humor, Ironic Mom, Leanne Shirtliffe, mom, parenting, please love me, twins

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. whatimeant2say says

    September 26, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Crafts always work for me. That’s why I’m so fond of Dimples, of course. All of those crafts she makes. Well, she doesn’t make them for me, exactly, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 11:33 am

      I love the Craft Production Factory. As long as I’m on the outside of the fence.

      Reply
  2. Andi says

    September 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Well, that’s nice. I’d take passive aggressive over outright brutal any day. At least she made it seem like she wanted your love. Maybe it was when she said “love me” 90 times.

    This morning, from my son, when I denied him ice cream:
    “NO MOM, JUST LEAVE! JUST LEAVE!”

    He is two.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 11:34 am

      LOL. Yes, we want them to talk so badly, and then they start talking. I get that.

      Reply
  3. Chase McFadden says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    I didn’t know you were Canadian. Small world.

    That’s pretty impressive turn-around time on a self-published book. Viv should go into business.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 11:34 am

      Famous last words.

      She wants me to buy IronicKids.com.

      Let me get right on that.

      Reply
  4. Diana Trautwein says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Perhaps your mistake was in removing the earplugs. Then you could have avoided the entire episode. (Although, I must say, the book seems worth it to me. Priceless)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

      Good point. Keep. Earplugs. In.

      Reply
  5. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    Monkey and I just watched your awesome vlog and Monkey is in the bathroom muttering: “Please love me please love me please love me please love me please love me…”

    I think you may have a hit on your hands.

    It’s obviously catchy.

    Especially the “like a new tree” part.

    Reply
    • julie gardner says

      September 26, 2011 at 5:51 pm

      That was my favorite part, too. Because new trees are very lovable.

      Obviously.

      Reply
      • Leanne Shirtliffe says

        September 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

        They are!

        Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

      I’m laughing at the image of that. Vivian does understand the use of repetition-for-effect…

      Reply
  6. hopefulleigh says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    I give Vivian points for creativity, that’s for darn sure. I love how her bad behavior really became about your “bad” behavior. That is talent.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:36 pm

      It’s a magical talent, isn’t it…

      Reply
  7. Karen Moret Harrison says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Things I have recently googled:

    Gavin Rossdale bisexual?
    Twitching stomach muscles
    Blazing Saddles quotes
    Willowbrook IL pizza places
    perioral dermatitis
    otterbox screen bubbles
    c. booth fresh and clean dry oil

    From this list, I conclude I am a well-rounded googler. Either that or I have too much time on my hands.

    (If you would like to know about any of the above mentioned googles searches, let me know.)

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm

      Karen, I’m cracking up. Did googling “Gavin Rossdale bisexual” cause your “twitching stomach muscles”?

      Reply
  8. Liz McLennan says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    This is so great – for me, I mean. Matthew asks me all the time why I don’t love him and he and Luke stood gobsmacked and slackjawed, watching this video.

    “See,” said I, to my love-starved eldest. “That little girl thinks her Mummy doesn’t love her. What do you think of that?”

    Said Matthew: “That was a funny video. I bet that little girls’s Mummy loves her more than you love me sometimes.”

    Ouch, eh?

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm

      Ouch. But a hilarious ouch!

      Reply
  9. Sonia G Medeiros says

    September 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    LOL. Ah children. They really know how to throw us.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:38 pm

      And hold us down for the count. Until we’re unconscious. Or wish we were.

      Reply
  10. Lori Dyan says

    September 26, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Ummm, your daughter is a genius, you do know that, right? Just try to ensure that she uses her powers for good…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:38 pm

      Ay, there’s the rub.

      Reply
  11. julie gardner says

    September 26, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    p.s. You must have worked on scansion with her. That’s a sign of love right there.

    Even in Canada, I assume.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:39 pm

      I think I should mention Canada more. Did I mention I’m Canadian?

      Reply
  12. Elena Aitken says

    September 26, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    This is classic. As you know my daughter frequently pulls out the big guns with me. She has written me many notes, no books though. I think I’ll have to play this video for her. She’s gonna have to step up her game.
    Also, I agree with Lori. She’s clearly a genius.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:39 pm

      Well, you know what they say about geniuses (well, I’m not sure what they do say about geniuses, so if you find out please let me know).

      Reply
  13. Marianne Hansen Rencher says

    September 26, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    I like the use of google. My kids google “heads that blow up.” Not sure if my kid is a genius.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:40 pm

      He’s thinking outside the box. And possibly outside his head if he blows it up.

      Reply
  14. Trish Loye Elliott says

    September 26, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    I agree with Lori too. Your daughter’s a genius. God help you when she hits puberty.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:41 pm

      I think I’ve timed it well that I might be nearing menopause then. Just watch the hormone cloud hover for a year or six.

      Reply
  15. Kim Wilson says

    September 26, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Oh man, that’s hilarious! Making mom a craft that tells mom why she doesn’t love you – that’s priceless. I love the little alien in your vid. Thanks for the chuckle, eh? 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:41 pm

      I stole that alien from my son; it gets the attention of middle school students.

      Reply
  16. Evelynn Starr says

    September 26, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    wow… i never dared to tell my mom this kind of stuff when i was little. maybe i should have – perhaps we’d have a much different relationship than the one we currently have.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:42 pm

      It’s all hard to predict, eh? In some ways, I’m thankful we can’t go back in time.

      Reply
  17. Vinay Antony Payyapilly says

    September 27, 2011 at 7:23 am

    That was cute and hilarious as only your stories can be. Here are a couple of my daughter’s prayers. Prayer 1: Dear Jesus, please kidnap my mother and please kidnap my brother. Her dad, me, can do no wrong, so I get to stay. Prayer 2 – Dear Jesus, please take care of my pink nail polish, blue nail polish, red nail polish, …. Someone has her priorities right.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:42 pm

      Vinay, those prayers are hilarious. I’m pretty sure Jesus is smiling.

      Reply
  18. lexy3587 says

    September 27, 2011 at 7:33 am

    😀 awwwww… a craft, so sweet! lol

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm

      Yes, she knows she has to do crafts by herself in our house.

      Reply
  19. mairedubhtx says

    September 27, 2011 at 7:38 am

    I awarded you the Versatile Blogger award. http://mairedubhtx.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/versatile-blogger/

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm

      Awe. Thanks. How cool is that!

      Reply
  20. Larry Hehn says

    September 27, 2011 at 7:47 am

    I’m going to google about where to get me one of those bug-eyed squeezie toy things. Very cool.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm

      Chapters/Indigo. You know that store that sells as many toys as they do books?

      Reply
  21. educlaytion says

    September 27, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I guess Viv wouldn’t have found it amusing if you had told her the shortcomings of her work and lack of character arc eh? Oh, the trials of dramatic children with comedic parents. This is the relationship between my wonderful nephew and his mom. And me. And his grammy…

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:45 pm

      I think SisterClaytion needs to guest post on your blog.

      (And now I have Night Ranger stuck in my head. “SisterClaytion oh your time has come…”).
      Thanks for that.

      Reply
  22. Misty says

    September 27, 2011 at 10:12 am

    I about died. I have a 6 year old son who is so going to give me fits once he harnesses his writing skills into poetic short stories. That’s what I get for raising a smart ass, I guess. But yeah, agree with above posters . . . boy are you in for it. 🙂

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:47 pm

      “That’s what I get for raising a smart ass, I guess.” –> Yup. I’m learning it all comes back, like a boomerang on Speed.

      Reply
  23. JM Randolph says

    September 27, 2011 at 11:33 am

    This made my frickin’ day. I was howling. And, the best part is that no one was here to hear it!! My recent googles: what is my facebook url, do you capitalize mom and dad in a formal essay, boomslang, green mambo, spitting cobra, braai, boerewors, biltong, harare, how to succeed glee. I would like Vivian to come supervise reading time at my house.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:47 pm

      LOL. Now I have to google “boomslang” to understand your comment. You’re researching something African, I can tell that… Hmm…

      Reply
  24. The Good Greatsby says

    September 27, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    I guess Google must recommend the opposite for getting your dad to love you because I love my children less every time they make me a craft.

    Reply
    • Leanne Shirtliffe says

      September 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm

      I get that. I’m good with crafts. As long as they don’t involve me.

      Reply
  25. BrainRants says

    September 28, 2011 at 9:06 am

    This post was kinda scary to me, but that’s probably a function of my kids, not yours. In that scenario, I’d hide the knives.

    Reply
  26. Teresa Lepore says

    September 28, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    She already knows how to pull the guilt card. You GO Vivian! ;} My new puppy was neutered on Monday and I Googled, “How to make an Elizabethan collar.” I don’t have time to go to the pet store but I don’t want him chomping through the vet’s good work.

    Lo and behold, I found the puppy has an incredibly short attention span (like my husband) and is easy to squirrel out (also like my husband, and yes, this trait is dangerous when he is driving) and the second he begins to notice his wound, I give him a toy to play with. He doesn’t really need an e-collar (the puppy, not my husband) but I’m tempted to put a paper plate with a hole cut in the middle of it on his head anyway. Thank God he can’t write me a book. 🙂

    Reply
  27. Ricky Anderson says

    September 28, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Crafty little booger.

    Reply
  28. Meet the Buttrams says

    September 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    IT’S SETTLED.
    Please let’s be best friends.

    Reply

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