I can fail at Advent calendars. I can fail at gingerbread houses. I can also fail as Santa’s apprentice. In the past 24-hours, I’ve managed the latter quite easily.
**
Preamble 1: My school hosts a Santa party for the children of staff members. The only requirement – besides showing up – is to bring in a wrapped gift for your children by 10:30 a.m. Friday, the day before the party.
Preamble 2: Besides doing crafts, my third circle of hell involves shopping, wrapping presents, and The Titanic on repeat play. This third item has nothing to do with the story.
**
Here is the chain of events that has led me to screw up Christmas.
Again.
How To Be a Santa Failure in 9 Easy Steps
- Write the wrong date of the Staff Santa Party in your calendar. On Thursday, realize you have 14 hours until the presents are due.
- Twenty minutes before closing time, go to a bookstore to buy toys (do bookstores still sell books?). Purchase two educational games that not only are noise polluters, but also require batteries. Forget to purchase batteries.
- Go to the 20-year-old employee at the free gift-wrapping station. Watch her take 40 minutes to wrap two presents (See Exhibit A). Try not to imagine Miss Piggy wrapping the presents faster with one hoof tied behind her bacon.
- Text husband that you’re not dead, even though you’ve been gone long enough to have a few blood transfusions.
- Drive home. Leave presents in the back of car so you won’t forget to take them to work the next morning. Go to bed.
- Be pounced on by two excited children who have the day off school. Cuddle Thing 1 while Thing 2 waits for you in car since you’re dropping her off at a playdate on your way to work. When you get into the car, field this question from Thing 2:“Who are these presents for?”
- Mutter obscenities and lie. Involve the church in your lie. Because clearly what makes lying better is lying about God. “They’re presents for children whose parents don’t have much money. We’re taking them to church on Sunday.”
- Watch Thing 2 nod and buy your lie. Run back into the house, smuggle a roll of 1970s wrapping paper under your winter coat and into the hatchback because you know your daughter will recognize her present “from Santa” tomorrow unless you re-wrap it. Move the presents into the hatch, and drop Thing 2 off at her friend’s house.
- Arrive at work, carry in presents and wrapping paper, unwrap the gifts, and re-wrap them yourself…in less than 40 minutes. Who cares if it looks like Miss Piggy wrapped them with one hoof tied behind her bacon …
How have you messed up Christmas or presents?
Alternatively, who’s your favorite Muppet?
***
I just got word that this was Freshly Pressed. Thanks for taking the time to visit!
We should all just got to an all-inclusive in Cabo every December.
Yes.
May I come? Because I seriously just wrapped my kids’ presents in “Ho Ho Ho” paper — then affixed gift tags making the text now read “Oh oh oh.”
I’m giving my kids gifts with wrapping that, when read, sounds like porn. I think Cabo is calling…
😉
Roger that! Add my name too 🙂
I think we have the same life planner.
Yup. 🙂
I think you have too much bacon on your plate, Leanne! Or, maybe too many irons in the fire!
Funny story….you’re as good a liar as your Mom!!
Ha Ha. You’re a liar? I’m your child though. Right? 😉
Tht is hilarious, I feel like I’ve been there before. I love Kermit and today my epic fail is in teh baking department. I don’t have a mixer and the black beans really needed mixing before going into the chocolate brownies. No one will eat these, they are rock hard boo hoo. I’m in for Cabo too 🙂
You kind of lost me after black-beans-in-the-chocolate-brownies. Really?
So, were they black beans to go with the brownies or in the brownies? If they went in the brownies then that might be your problem there.
My electronic calendar tends to eat appointments. This will be me one day soon.
Maybe I can start using that excuse…
This post killed me! She took 40 minutes on that? I think I would have lost my grits.
I’m sure I’ve had gift-giving fails, but the story that springs to mind with your question was when I blew my sister’s surprise bridal shower. My dad’s friend, Doris, was hosting it at her house. One night at dinner my sister said, “Is Doris coming to the shower?” And what do I say? I blurt, “Duh! It’s at her HOUSE!”
Oh. Wait. There was also the time I went to the wrong house for a Christmas Eve party. And stayed.
Bwahaha. Love that you ruined a surprise party. Love even more that you stayed at the wrong house… That should be a Christmas tradition!
I have regifted to the person who gave me the gift and said I figured because you gave it to me you liked them and got you one.
Now that was a brilliant recovery.
This is why G-d made me Jewish. We give little gifts in the bags from the stores from which they came. With the receipts inside. Makes returns soooo much easier.
Clearly, I would get an F in Christmas.
I can’t imagine fussing like that.
Seriously.
That’s a brilliant tradition…
Actually I do believe you’ve done pretty well! Were I the one dealing with this, there is a high probability that the situation would end with me 1)forgetting gifts all together, 2) prematurely breaking the myth of Santa and 3) sitting with hysterical wailing children in the car with no gifts, no childhood innocence, and no exit plan.
Although I’m not really sure what sort of timeline “pre-mature” myth breaking entails…
“No exit plan.” That’s a great metaphor for a lot of things. 🙂
Holy hell! I just remembered I DO have to buy gifts for the gift-less kids and hustle them to church this morning in two hours. Look what I do for you. A FAIL IN ACTION.
Ha! I still have to do the same… I think I have a few more days though.
Funny, funny. I thought of you when I just received my latest “New Yorker” — not sure if you see those in your neck of the woods, but the cover this week pictures a very confused man in a bookstore looking for books, but seeing everything but…
I’ll have to check out that issue of the NY. 🙂
I did the classic. Went to Marshall’s and bought a beautiful picture frame and forgot to take off the price tag… Well it was worth 12.99!
Good one. I’m sure I’ve done that…
A word to the guys: when your wife says, “You don’t need to get me anything for Christmas,” get her something for Christmas anyway. Trust me.
Oh, and Clay Morgan is my favorite Muppet.
Indeed. And indeed. 🙂
Just curious, which one is Thing 1 and which one is Thing 2? (Sorry for my lack of anything else to say)
Thing 1 is William, my 7yo son who was born 2 minutes before Vivian. 🙂
You wrapped them? Nice. I’m usually a gift bag girl.
But unwrapping gifts is so much fun!
Great post!
I used to wrap my gifts, but gift bags seem to be the way to go….
and I like Kermit and Miss Piggy combination for my favorite muppet.. they both are good separate but together, so much better!
I love that: yes, they are better together, like pb and j.
I could handle that!
And there’s a Muppet who apparently is my double – if my wife and daughter are to be believed – but I’m not sure of hs name! He’s an “extra” – but still cool!
He must be a muppet with a sense of humour!
Awesome post. I read your blog and gave my comment on it for the first time yesterday and today i found you in this freshly pressed list.
Congrats being freshly pressed. I hope your next post will be how to get freshly pressed. 🙂
Aww. Thanks! I think getting FP’d is more luck than skill, but I know good titles help.
Funny, and well done. Congrats on being chosen for “Freshly Pressed.”
Thanks, John!
I just came across this and it reminded me so much of a recent Gingerbread catastrophe of my own, I just had to share:
http://the1stdraft.com/2011/12/02/never-again/
At least you bought the kit. I started from scratch. BIG MISTAKE.
I’m impressed you deigned to do it from scratch. That’s moxie!
You’re my hero 🙂
I’m getting all nostalgic: it was my last FP’d (Oct 2010) that you “introduced” yourself! A good day indeed.
haha, this was so cute. I haven’t had a situation like yours, but I feel ya. IT’s tough when you have kids and you’re the one who does everything. But have no fear. Santa will be here soon to give you something special.
Val
http://valentinedefrancis.wordpress.com
Val, I hope you’re right! Thanks for commenting.
Not bad for 14 hours. I’m always paranoid about messing up times. As for your 20 year old gift wrapping clerk, I’m a 20-something in a holiday retail position as well. Sometimes I feel like they just gave me the minimum training and shoved me out their so I could make a fool of myself. Your wrapper was probably in a similar position. We’ll learn.
That’s a good point. I did feel sorry for her (and felt bad I was keeping her late). She assured me she’d rather wrap than clean up! So maybe she was being clever…
Haven’t managed to mess up Christmas yet….touch wood…kids are still too small to notice…
Congrats on being “freshly pressed”.
I’ve given up.
Freshly Pressed is not something you can plan or based on merit, I assure you. Just write for your readers and for yourself; good comes out of that, I promise.
This is excellent! I think I have done nearly this exact thing with my children. I also find myself constantly thinking up alibis ahead of time, should one of my children see one of their Santa gifts by mistake. Usually my Plan is to say “It’s for cousin so-and-so,” and then to quickly switch gifts between son and cousin and daughter and cousin. (Of course, this plan only works with cousins of the same age and gender!)
Great post, and Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thanks. It’s true, isn’t it? One lie begets another? You sound well prepared for Christmas chaos!
Leanne, I couldn’t believe it when I saw that you got Freshly Pressed as well! This is hilarious! Let’s stay in touch. CONGRATS!
btw … this is going to cut into your postcard writing, my friend!!!
I know. The timing of both of us FP’d and meeting just before either one is amazing!
Yes…I’m glad the postcard piece wasn’t FP’d!
Ahh I’m so glad I don’t do gift exchanges during Christmas….keeps life simple for me….but good luck with your gift wrapping:)
Thanks. I’d like to outsource gift wrapping. And cleaning. And shoveling snow from my driveway…
Oh, the possibilities of this sort of happening are so, so familiar. And the harder you try the more likely that summat will occur 😉
True. And the older my twins get, the harder the questions and the deception…
Haha, so cute! I can’t wrap presents to save my life—which means I should be working at a free gift-wrapping station in a book store, if your story is any indication. Happy holidays!
Always good to meet another bad-wrapper. Happy Holidays to you too!
And the rich get richer…haha, congrats Leanne on FP. As if you needed the popularity boost!
New readers are always welcome…
Thanks for your comment, Jim!
I can’t wrap presents either! For more funny lists read my blog:
http://spotthestereotype.wordpress.com
Yay: another one for the can’t-wrap-gifts corner!
I’ve messed up clothes sizes…for a women. Trust me the last thing you want on Christmas is your girlfriend of yelling “you think I’m fat, don’t you?!” before you go to (and on the way to) her families house.
Kermit. Because he’s down to earth.
And maybe this is why my husband hasn’t bought me clothes. Or even lingerie…
Being a single mom, I have no choice to go shopping with my children as to not have to pay 10$ an hour for a sitter in order to be actually able to afford to pay for gifts. So I litterally smuggle gifts into the shopping cart and send my children to walk forward and not ‘be’ with me. (they are 10 and 5)
But basically I told my children the truth about santa a long time ago. And so they now know that mommy is the one who buys them gifts. They often choose their own gifts now. I still go through the ‘pleasure’ of wrapping them so that they can unwrap presents and I fill the stocking with little surprises.. but no more, santa claus is gonna come in the house and shove things under the tree… And I also buy a gift from one child to the other so they feel ike it is from them and feel the joy of giving too even if they have no money.
Most people are aphaled by the fact that I disillusioned my kids at such a young age about the magic of x-mas.. but I tell them that I am giving them another set of beliefs.. the sharing one.. the wanting to make someone happy….
Santa is no longer part of my house. And I am expecting another child and will not make santa up for her either.
But I do admire your will to make a santa surprie for yur kids by re-wrapping the presents for the surprise.. you really try hard!
Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Thanks for your congratulations. I pass it back to you on your pregnancy. The Santa thing is a complicated shenanigan. I totally get how some parents just want to be honest with their children.
Thanks for the great, insightful comment!
Great Blog 🙂
Thanks!
Bravo on being Freshly Pressed!
Messed up Christmas and/or presents? Yeah, I’d say so. On our first Christmas my college girlfriend got me a very expensive sports coat. And I’d gotten her a small stuffed animal. Awkward…..
And = Beaker.
That is awkward…but makes a great story. And Beaker still our hearts!
I cannot figure out women’s sizes; especially when the pants measure waists in inches and my wife says she’s a 10 or 12. I usually just guess and my wife is either flattered (26″ waist) or insulted (36″ waist). Either way, they don’t fit.
Conversely I’ve been told, by a man with some authority, that a sure-fire way to get a woman to break up with you is to give her a gift of underwear that is TOO BIG. I don’t see myself ever needing to try this, but there it is.
Ha! Man-to-man advice. This could be in Maxim!
As for women’s sizes, I don’t get them either…
Oh man! Very funny and I can, sadly, so relate to many items on that list! Oh, and clearly, Animal!!
And Animal…drum set for Christmas perhaps? 🙂
I think you did pretty well, I don’t even have holiday wrapping paper at home! Also, I’m going with Statler and Waldorf.
I love Statler and Waldorf, though I always forget their names. Maybe if I watched Muppets’ reruns while wrapping gifts, I’d be better off…
Is Christmas a holiday anymore? I think it stresses me out more than studying for midterms. But that’s why we love it so much, eh?
It’s not much of a holiday for those who work retail, that’s for sure. I like your analogy: if you make it to Christmas morning intact, you’ve passed the exam?
My favorite Muppet: Animal!!!
You’re way ahead of me. I’d be too lazy to re-wrap the gift and would instead invent a scenario which involves Santa being omnipresent and therefore having access to my car. This would then lead to 20 questions from my kids that I would answer using my cunning until I contradict myself at which time they’d call me on it (why don’t they listen that well when you tell them to clean their rooms?) and then I’d have to go back and revise the original statement with something like: OK, actually Santa uses my wrapping paper when he runs out. The cycle begins again.
Oh, the lies we tell to keep the Santa dream alive.
You made me laugh. Kids do pick up what they’re not supposed to and ignore what they’re supposed to. I think I’m a bit guilty of this too…
Thanks for the great comment.
Oh, I just love it when the store employees take forever, like they’re just counting down the minutes until it’s punch out time, and the longer they take with each customer the less work they have to do. If it takes 40 minutes, it’s not exactly “free” anymore, is it?
Very funny post. Congrats on a well-deserved FP.
It’s why I order online usually (to refer to my comment at your post today)! And thanks, Mark. You’re king of funny yourself!
Congrats on being freshly pressed.
You’re a good mom, all I remember ever getting for the holidays was a beating.
…and I loved it.
Ouch. I’m hoping that’s a joke. Or hyperbole. Though I know that abuse does skyrocket during the holidays. Sigh…
Good safe! Really, I wouldn’t have thought to rewrap them. Oh, and by the way…Ralph is my favorite Muppet…we piano players have to stick together! 🙂 Merry Christmas!
Ralph had the best ears. Maybe he could play by ear? Okay. Worst pun of the day!
Love it! It’s funny because yours actually looks better than the “professional” who took 20 minutes!
Well, the corners didn’t…
But my mom had the same wrapping paper in the 70s. My husband bought this at a garage sale. I recycled the rest of the roll.
I can mess up Xmas is 5 steps ( like “name that tune”) but you managed to get your ducks in a row before anyone noticed, very impressive! Miss Piggy is my fav, her book, “Guide to Life” is quite useful. Oh, and “gift bags”. Great post!
Gift bags. I have to get on that train. And Miss Piggy. What’s not to love about a Muppet with a black belt?
I’m one of those annoying (new age) mums, I just bought a really big santa bag and put as much as I could in there… Santa is trying to save the trees and cut back on annoying wrapping paper
I love how you call yourself annoying. We’re all annoying. Just ask our kids when they’re teens. 😉
The Swedish Chef!! And how I haven’t messed up Christmas would be a much shorter list
I like that angle: How I haven’t messed up _. There’s a lot that could go in the blank.
You should see the mess of my presents (famously known to unwrap themselves under christmas trees or in transit to the person I’m giving the gift to). Much sticky tape, cursing and a few choice swear words are a frequent part of a messy christmas in my neck of the woods!
Good point. They do magically unwrap themselves en route. Glad it’s not just me…
Man, I’m lucky that I don’t have to buy gifts for anybody, because I’m not that old yet, but I still make cards for them (dunno if they like my awful drawings though)
Homemade cards rock. Seriously. Especially drawings. And bad ones have a charm of their own.
Haha this is so funny. How have I messed up XMAS? Oh idk… maybe cuz… i just bought the boxes for gifts for 12 friends the otherday, and i dont have enough stuff to fill them, nor do i have enough boxes for all my friends meaning one or two won’t get one. And, we get off school in 1 week, and they r not ready to give, in fact, i still need to buy a ton of stuff. Ooh! I like all the muppets, escpecially Kermit and Animal. Hehe
-Haleigh <3 🙂
Now there’s a conundrum. I think I’d just buy tiny gift bags. Or keep the gifts for myself. Kidding…
And Kermit. He is adorable… He’s the Muppet we should marry, even though we’re all attracted to Animal…
I’m a swedish chef man, myself
i’ve about got the christmas shopping thing down to a science… about. check out my method: http://creativejamie.com/2011/12/01/4-ways-to-bitch-slap-your-christmas-shopping/
My problem always comes from storing the christmas presents in the trunk of my car, because I can’t think of any place else. They I open said trunk in front of my children….Really, how many times do I have to do this to learn my lesson?
I can relate. This sounds like me. Of course, I’ve also been known to leave the milk in the pantry overnight…
ha! i love this! great list…and i share your pain. i have a way of messing at least 1 major item up on christmas. then i’m left trying to make up for it in other ways. too much work. maybe i’ll boycott this year and just hole up at home 🙂
A pajama Christmas. Sounds lovely, actually.
My favorite Muppet is Miss Piggy! I’m not a parent, but I had to cover for my mom to go buy my little sister’s Christmas present!
You were a good daughter to cover…
This is too true. I am LOL. And congrats on being Freshly Pressed. (And, I like the 2 movie critics.)
Thanks. It’s amazing how charming two grumpy old me can be!
My mother (bless her) was horrible at Christmas, which resulted in adult-me becomming quite the over achiever in my quest to make up for her lack…so just think, you’re actually serving society be creating Christmas excellers whose blazen trails will be lined with hand painted novelty scenes and home-glazed fruits
Ha. The pendulum does swing, doesn’t it? I wish them well in their pursuits. Maybe they’ll invite me over…
Congratulations on becoming FP. I love it when I smile through an entire read. Thank you for that gift.
And thank you for your nice comment!
despite all the craziness, hope the party was fun … it was fun for me reading about it! congratulations on being freshly pressed!!
I survived the party. Santa’s pillow had slipped down below his belt so he looked like he was with child..
Greetings…from a fellow Calgarian. I had the bad habit of buying presents many months in advance, wrap them and then forgot what I bought.
Congrats. on being Freshly Pressed. 🙂 It’s a great gift.
Thanks, Jean. It is! Hope you’re enjoying the snow…
I love the Thing 1 and Thing 2 references. Pure gold.
Thanks !
That’s a great story! I love Fozzie Bear the best and was fully convinced as a child that the Muppets were real and when I found out they weren’t, I cried harder than when I found out Santa was my parents… As far as present disasters, the cake goes to my uncle who forgot to buy a present for my aunt until past midnight on Christmas Eve and bought her 4 different flashlights from the only open grocery store. He thought she would find it amusing, but it did not go over well. Ha.
Four flashlights? Ahh!
And I love your Muppet vs. Santa story, Moanti. I get that.
Hilarious! I think exhibit B looks every bit as pretty as exhibit A actually……
Thanks. Because nothing says Christmas to a child like a goose… 😉
I loved you before you were Fresh Pressed. Just saying. Still very super excited for you and your new readers!
Animal has always been my favorite muppet.
The fact that you rewrapped the presents elevates you to Christmas Mom of the Year. Seriously.
One of my loyal readers. Thanks for being you!
Gift Bags are the way I go – suck at wrapping gifts! Fav Muppet is Animal. Thanks for sharing and Congrats on being FP!
And thanks for commenting!
LOL-ing!!! #7 is my favorite 😉
Yes, I fail big…
But wait…what happens on Sunday when one of your Things gets into the car and asks ,”Where are those presents you said we were bringing to church today?” It is a tangled web…
An excellent question. I’m counting on my Things having inherited my poor memory. 🙂
I deserve an F because two years ago, at the age of 24, I told my dad what he was getting for Christmas from my mom. Complete accident.
And then this year…staff Christmas party…a co-worker worked up this whole Secret Santa deal-io. We drew names. Fine. But then…we were told we had to send our person a gift BEFORE the actual GIFT, which I thought was weird. I completely DID NOT send any pre-gifts – mainly because I forgot. Though, I did not complain when the person who drew my name gave me a pre-gift of sugar cookies from a bakery.
For the actual gift Secret Santa gift, I purchased it wo days before the Christmas party…I was walking through Target buying tampons and toilet paper – or something just as useful – and grabbed a random item off the shelf and called it a night!
And…my wrapped presents look like I did it blindfolded…
Loved this post!
Well, I at least hope that A. You had some coffee to get you through this and B. You got to take a looong nap after. Wow, kudos.
Jacob, you’re right. Plenty of tea. And a nap I didn’t get.
Thanks, Megan. Secret Santa Fail. I think I’ve been there. I messed up a Thanksgiving one this year too. Sigh. We are cut from the same cloth!
Your presents look grand and you haven’t come close to ruining Christmas. All will be well.
Not yet, anyway! I still have a few days…
I think you saved Christmas, not messed it up!
Ha. Maybe… 🙂
Everything is still ok.. though the Christmas tree is not really nice decorated, but kids are satisfied 😀 They help me make our own Christmas tree ornaments 😀
Yulia
http://www.mylifeismyrainbow.wordpress.com
I love homemade ornaments. As long as I don’t have to make them!
This Christmas I’m meeting my boyfriend’s family for the first time. We’re living in Barcelona (I’m Catalan) and we’re arriving to England on the 24th and they want me to play Santa Claus for my new nephew and niece as they would recognise anyone in the family. Is there a less dignifying way to meet your new family? Sure; being a Santa-Failure.
Oscar, that’s hilarious…and positively frightening! I hope you post an update after the holidays. Good luck to you!
No epic fail yet…but I can feel it coming. Instead…How to Loose Your Place in Line in 5 Easy Steps…Hmmm…that would be a fun and quick, post!
At this time of year, you could write a post or two while standing in line. Happy Holidays!
In my opinion it’s only a Santa Failure if you forgot to take the presents into school for the kids… so you succeeded 😉
Best muppet has to be Beaker
Yes. Christmas isn’t here yet, so there’s still time for a major catastrophe…
It’s their fault for having a party so early! Who gets ready for Christmas 2 1/2 weeks early? I’m lucky if I’m not up until 2 AM Christmas Eve, still wrapping. And maybe even shopping online for people I won’t see until later in the week.
Ha. I like you’re perspective! I’m wrapping Christmas Eve morning. My mom’s going to help me. I’m serious. And I’m pathetic.
hahha love it 🙂 you should see this post of mine : http://theitemboy.wordpress.com/2011/10/23/winning-the-breakup/
Thanks !
Congrats on FP! Well deserved! Although the kids are grown, the epic Santa fails are many and varied. I can relate to leaving gifts in the car for Things 1 & 2 to question. My favorite fail is discovering mouse holes in the wrapping paper on Christmas Eve… oops, elves forgot to wrap these. Enjoy your holiday… maintain the magic for as long as possible. 🙂
Thanks. And mouse holes? I think “elves forgetting” is the best euphemism I’ve heard in a while. Happy Christmas!
Thank you for being so funny. Cheers.
Thank you for leaving a comment!
Love this post. So well written. 😀
Thanks, Eileen.
My mother did the same thing when I was a child. She was always really good at wrapping the parents gifts and Santa gifts in different paper. Except 2 weeks before, she used the same “parents” wrapping paper on the barbie I got from Santa at the Christmas party at her work.
I’m just waiting for that moment when I slip up like you’re mom did…
Rather than failing in stages, I find its most efficient to fail all at once. Consider (the initial) gift wrapping as practice for (being on Martha Stewart) later. Also, consider NOT wrapping all the gifts at once. On more than one occasion I have: prepared the gifts, decided which paper/tag combination was most appropriate for each recipient, neatly wrapped each one and set them aside to finish the rest. Then, at about the moment I begin to congratulate myself for completing this task in record time, I notice all the blank tags and think, “Oh, I wonder where a pen is. I need to fill these out.” Only once I return with the pen do I realize, “Whose gift was shaped like this?” Then I proceed to slightly unwrap/rewrap 90% of them to be sure.
You have the best first line! Playing “whose gift is this” must be frightening. I can see myself doing this…
Fabulous post! We have 9 year-old-twin boys and decided that, even tho they are “hanging on” to certain holiday icons (wink wink), we would start to give more things from us and less from you-know-who. Yeah, um, so, my email which is almost always minimized on the family laptop, proclaimed the shipping date of our Apple purchase to them both, in one sitting….
Oh no. The computer gives you away! I like your idea of weaning them off Santa gifts. Brilliant. Next year, Santa’s bringing my twins a mojo. Just one.
Here’s how we fail at Christmas:
1. Purchase the most awesome gift online – a gift that will solidify us as the single best gift givers that anyone will ever know.
2. Start to worry that said most awesome of all awesome gifts isn’t going to arrive on time – though there is still 3 three weeks to get here.
3. Start bitching to everyone you know about the shoddy postal service and lack of care on behalf of the company you ordered awesome gift from.
4. Realize suddenly that you have bitched to the person you are buying for – thus ruining all surprise on Christmas morning.
I love the circular nature of your list. Ordering online does have passive stress…
Thanks for the great comment.
LOVE your sense of humor! I will definitely be adding you to my follow list! I only have 1 little Thing myself, but she, too, is a constant source of both laughter and profound philosophy.
Thanks, Tricia. It’s laugh or cry most days. Sometimes vomiting wins.
How old’s your Thing 1?
Your wrapping job is better than mine! I have “Santa’s” presents in a garbage bag in the garage. I had to point it out to Hubby so he wouldn’t throw them in the trash, speaking of which I’d better check they’re still in the garage!
Congrats on Freshly Pressed 🙂 Good to see another Canuck on WP!
The garbage bag. Uh oh. We’ve done something similar … but with donations of toys.
O Canada!
Truly hilarious post! Thanks for sharing that!
You’re welcome, Rahul. 🙂
I love wrapping presents! 😀 On another note, your wrapping job doesn’t look that bad.
Abigail, if you lived closer, I could shovel your driveway and you could wrap my gifts.
I understand you.
Finally someone does! 😉
Lying is an integral part of parenting. Period. Thank you for this post. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has ruined Christmas.
Another brilliant first line. Here’s to smiling as we ruin Christmas.
Ha ha sounds so familiar! I thought ur wrap job was nice! I laughed at my neighbor putting out a sleigh with reindeer just yesterday “ha, he’s only going to have that for 2 weeks, what a waste!” My hubs: Boy, you sure know how to get in the spirit.
That sounds like me. I love it when our neighbours decorate: it improves our view.
Regarding Exhibit A: Clearly, “professional” is a term used loosely.
Regarding number 4: Thank you for reminding me that I have an appointment to donate blood on Thursday. I would have forgotten!
My favorite Muppet: The two old grumpy guys from the theater box.
Love those old grumps. And yay for donating blood. Now there’s a gift that you don’t have to wrap.
In my family wrapping paper consists of declothing you pillows and shoving them in pillow cases…gotta love handing someone a present and saying…um…I’m going to need the wrapping paper back lol 😛
That’s quite clever. Although the doing laundry part after you unwrap is rather unappealing…
Hilarious!!! Had fun reading this!!
Thank you kindly.
At least you’re making an effort to get them nice things! I’m being The Grinch this year! I’m the grumpy aunt and you’re the frantic but great mom!
Frantic= yes. Great=debatable. And aunts are always way cooler than moms. Trust me.
I was added to a committee for a kiddie christmas party at the last minute. Still not happy about it even though I will show up in my holiday sweater.
That sounds like a dreadful committee. Hand out coal and you won’t be asked again.
Hey!!! Look who has been Freshly Pressed! You rock, Leanne – and I always knew it! Now the rest of the world will catch your particular brand of wonder/madness!
Thanks for your kindness again, TH! Great to have you in my corner.
Great web site LeeAnne! Very amusing! Good Luck with your twins! I am learning every day in the raising of my two little girls, ages 4 and 2. Each day is something new! You could add your advice at OURLIFEIN3D.com. We are trying desperately NOT to ruin their Christmas!
All the best to you,
~Andy
Thanks, Andy. Good luck to you too! Those are fun ages for Christmas morning…
Miss Piggy and Kermit are tied for #1. I’m the one who saves Christmas, so I haven’t screwed it up. But I’m still young, so there’s still a chance for me to ruin it 😉
Haha. Well, if you do end up ruining it, know that you’re in good company!
So your “Thing” was sitting all alone in the car with a wrapped gift and didn’t open it? There’s something seriously wrong here.
Good point. Had it been Thing 1…
“Because clearly what makes lying better is lying about God.” Haha – very funny 🙂 And in terms of favourite Muppets, I gotta say Beaker is pretty boss.
I’m not sure “Beaker is pretty boss” has been written much, but I think it should be. Thanks for the comment, Josh!
LOL!
I have to say, my morning cocoa has never tasted so good as it does when I read I’m not the only one with a disturbing oops-I-did-it-again bad-Santa story. :-P.
I’m the second oldest of six children; my stepfather can’t wrap presents to save his life; my mother is very very busy….
I’m sure you can imagine the hilarity ensuing. Or, you know, what will be hilarity by the time it reaches the interwebs.
I can only imagine! And morning cocoa is sounding very good…even though it’s now evening for me!
You are correct–Miss Piggy is the best muppet. I don’t think I’ve ruined Christmas but I think it was a thanksgiving that I vomited all over the floor while we were praying for our food which after my performance no one really wanted to eat, anyway.
That is hilarious…I’m sure it wasn’t at the time, but you tell it well. Thanks for commenting, Casey.
Congrats on being FP’d! Much deserved. 🙂
Animal is my favorite muppet.
Thanks, Annie. You and Animal share the same first two letters!
Santa doesn’t wrap presents in our house! Only mommy and daddy wrap presents. Santa and his elves are WAY too busy 😉
Hi it looks so much better thanI could manage. I gues that being a man means that Im never going to be great at wrapping but I think that as long as you buy square presents, cd s computer games etc things should go ok. I definately couldnt do somethink like a guitar. You should have seen the job I made of wrapping a shaped bottle of perfume last year.
Gorgeous, and well told. Yep Freshly Pressed, and not by Miss Piggy. Well done!
I am in a very similar situation this very morning. I was supposed to buy and wrap a gift for Bug’s preschool class… due today. I forgot. We’re leaving early this morning to go to Target on the way to school… and I’ll be wrapping said gift in the car.
wow! Freshly Pressed! Congratulations!
buy a “made for 3 year old” toy for a 4 year old nephew
and rizzo the rat takes my vote! you gotta try the muppet dance
Haha, we all make mistakes so you’re not alone. 🙂
This is hilarious! Love it! I feel like these are some of the thoughts that go through my head as well lol. Well written! Happy Holidays!
http://itsawant.wordpress.com/
congrats on being pressed; in more ways than one 😉 my favourite muppet has always been the swedish chef – that’s exactly how my dad used to cook! needless to say mom still does most of meal prep, especially at christmas time
I can see myself in more ways than one in this posting.
The main thing I hate about buying presents is buying baby toys then accidentally pushing the button and trying to get the annoying music to stop and everyone in the store is watching you thinking you’re stupid…
Im still laughing the Miss Piggie and one hoof behind her back comment. Actually would that be one trotter behind her back?:) GREAT posting.
‘Because clearly what makes lying better is lying about God.’ – That made me laugh! Great post.
This year I have: messed up party dates, the home made advent calendar is still missing days 16-21 and the tree looks like it was decorated by a visually impaired, terrified cat. i am a total fail at Christmas.
Your wrapping looks heaps better!!
We didn’t screw up with Christmas presents this year (I was super careful) but that’s because we messed up with Miss 6’s birthday present.
We were super savvy and so organised and bought her present MONTHS in advance and had it hiding in the top of our wardrobe.
Then we moved house.
Miss 6 was helping unload a car and asked us with a puzzled look on her face where this Disney Princess Skate-board had come from.
No lies could save that situation.
Hot tip – Wrap the presents as soon as you get home!!
Love your Blog…too funny!