Last week, seven-year-old Vivian was back at it, peppering me with questions about God, sperm banks, and babies. This is why I don’t home school, I thought. From September to June, I can rely on her classmates to give the wrong answer; in July and August, however, it’s up to me.
So when Vivian asked what age women could have children at, I turned to a resource more reliable than the stock market: Facebook.
Keep reading. It gets progressively funnier.
Yes, Jodi should have her own blog. (Here’s a link to Futurama).
As is often the case here and on other blogs, the real humour is in the comments.
So, how old do you have to be to have a baby?
I like Lloyd’s answer of “When I say so.”
By the way, I sent you an email (not sure if you got it) last week about where to send Thing 1 and Thing 2 next. Let me know! Enjoy your last days of summer!
Yes, I’m waiting to hear back from three people! Sorry about the delay. The things must be enjoying their time with you…
I pretty much go to Facebook for all my parenting challenges now. I think that’s some sound advice you got up there. I also think your friend Jodi’s list of Viv questions is hilarious. So, where can we read more Jodi? In your comment sections only? What did you end up telling Viv? When questions like that are asked I normally suggest we go out for ice cream. It’s worked so far.
Yes, Jodi is hilarious. She is also my cousin.
I ended up telling Vivian more than I should have. I started with “Technically, when you’re about 13, but…” #Rescue911Please
I usually tell Flora (my 6yo, who asks these same questions — I gave her her own hashtag on Twitter: #floraquestions): when she is married. And she can get married after she goes to college and gets a job. And then I cross my fingers for the teen years.
I’ll be crossing a lot of things…and encouraging Vivian to do the same.
Im not big on avoidance. As a medical family, we tell it straight and go until the questions stop. This is really appreciated by my friends, as you can imagine.
Like the time Monkey (age 5) told a set of twins: “No, you do not put your thing into a girl’s pupper and pee inside her to make a baby. Your thing is called a penis. And she has a vagina. Who told you this stuff?”
Yeah, those parents love hubby and me.
I tell the truth, too, though often too much (or maybe not accurately enough). Evidence: yesterday, while wading into a lake, William told me the water was up to my pagina.
Let me know which answer you go with, then help me with my 4yo’s latest question: “But WHY can’t I marry my brother?” #toosoon!
Yes. The recessive genes questions. I don’t know how to explain that one without using Grade 10 Biology terminology. Good luck with that.
Get married. Start with a flower then work up to a plant. From there try a puppy. Then catch up on sleep and when you don’t feel you need that anymore go for it.
Also known as, “how to depopulate the earth.” Pass the sleep, please.
There are really two things you have to answer – when SHOULD you have a baby and when CAN you. One of the teen mom’s on that VH1 show thought her eggs weren’t mature enough to get pregnant. Egads.
Where do they find people like that? I mean really? My cousins told me way more than that.
I’m with Clay. It’s important to practice on small mammals first.
Indeed…
When our oldest daughter (age 9) asks me how old she has to be before she can have I baby, I give her the soundest advice I know…”Go ask your mother.”
You are brilliant.
“You can have a baby when mommy gives you the key to your chastitiy belt.” It really is the only answer to a number of issues such as teen and drunken sex. I’ve heard they make them in GREAT colors and styles now. ;}
LOL. Not a bad idea…
I will usually muster all of my theological, philosophical, and astro-physical knowledge in order to use a “Full Overload” approach. My wife appreciates my ability to do this, so she will defer to me for such questions. I begin with a pre-Socratic, Greek understanding of existence and purpose, steering the monologue toward an existential/nihilistic dichotomy. I throw in some String Theory and some global cosmological and eschatological arguments for purpose, destiny, and existence.
By this point, my kids’ eyes are glazing over (my younger two, anyway). My eldest daughter starts making some arguments against my logic (which is non-existent, because it is all meant to cloud the issue). I ignore my eldest. We call my youngest two “The Tweedles”, rather than Thing 1 and Thing 2, though I like your names as well.
So, I have bombarded them with too much unrelated and irrelevant information. I have avoided the entire topic of baby-making. My kids are left feeling confused, but vaguely smarter. Ultimately, they feel like there was an answer to their question somewhere in that 20-minute speech. Finally, they respond with, “Oh. OK. Can we go to Dairy Queen?”
ROFL, Bill. Now I know who to call….
Dear Bill. You have to be the first person to use String Theory as well as the word eschatological on my blog. I’m almost swooning, but I think it’s just exhaustion. Maybe.
I’m thinking you should guest post.
This is fantastic. Kudos to Renee – whose second comment had me spitting tea over the keyboard. Or would have, if I drank tea. Which I don’t.
I know. Renee’s comment was an I-have-to-read-this-aloud-to-someone-now comment.
You don’t drink tea?
After you have developed a pot-a-day habit… and when you are willing to give up said habit in the name of baby-making.
LOL. Now there’s some twisted logic that makes me laugh!
I think that I just fell a little bit in love with Bill.
I’d be curious to ask, “How old do YOU think you have to be when you have a baby, Vivian?”
When we had the conversation several years ago, my daughter answered 34.
*Whew!* Good answer!
Answer a question with a question: I love your tactic…
Very amusing. If you know my story, you will know that the answer should not be 15.
Yes, 15…
These questions are why men have selected hearing and memory.
Is my coffee ready? Have you seen my keys?
Clever. Way too clever. (And your keys are in Calgary)
Oh jeez. Going to have to buy a new car then. Blast.
When I asked my mother why there weren’t any chicks in our carton of eggs, I got the whole birds and bees answer. All I wanted to know was about the chicks. “It takes a mommy AND a daddy to make babies, and there was no daddy rooster around” would have settled the matter just fine by me.
In other words (sorry Bill, though I loved your answer), I believe in following the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) method when it comes to deep questions.
In other words, “How old do you have to be when you have a baby?” might be either, “I was 24 when I had you,” or “When you are old enough to take good care of a baby, which won’t be for a long, long time.”
I also like the technique of answering a question with a question. If nothing else, it gives you stall time and a chance to get more insight into what your child is really asking.
“Why can’t I marry my brother?” could be answered by “It’s against the law to marry close family members.”
“Why?”
“It leads to problems in the family.”
“What kinds of problems?”
“I can’t be both your mother AND your mother-in-law. Wouldn’t THAT be confusing? Want to go for an ice cream?”
The Other Jodi
Dear the Other Jodi: You’ve caught me. I am the person who gives way-too-much information to my kids when they ask one of these questions…
Sigh.