Description: 3.5 inches tall, red all-in-one suits, blue Estelle Getty hair, names on outfit. Identifying Characteristics: permanent tangled hair due to washing machine incident Last Seen: October 31, 2011 at envelope at post office in San Francisco (following a non-stop party with Lizz from Am I a Funny Girl?) En Route To: Mike of The […]
funny mom
Send Your Child Scavenging . . . in the Dictionary
Alternate Title: Messing with Your Child’s Mind It’s Saturday night. Vivian has discovered the dictionary. She wants words to look up. I suggest clever. She looks it up, reads the definition, and smiles. My husband suggests geek, which isn’t in there. He throws out its slightly more popular cousin, nerd. A few words later, Vivian […]
Happy Make-More-Work-for-Mommy Day
. It’s bedtime. I’ve spent the past sixty minutes doing the following: sorting through kids’ dresser drawers and replacing summer tees with winter hoodies; hooking up lonesome socks congregating in a singles’ drawer; picking up books that have been flung by discus athletes-in-training; and removing embedded Lego pieces from my bare feet. A typical evening. […]
Bring Out Your Dead: Parenting & Gardening
On Sunday, my husband came home from work and saw an empty planter. “What happened to our plant?” he asked. “I threw it out.” “Was it dead?” he asked. “Not really.” “You just got tired of it?” “Kind of.” “So you euthanized it?” “I guess,” I said. “I kept it alive for two years, then […]
Adult Doodling Gone Wrong
I like to doodle, not because it’s a skill I possess, but because my hands seem to belong to another body, gesticulating wildly when I speak. Doodling sometimes contains them. The other day, my mom, dad and I were having our nightly, pre-dinner game of cribbage. While waiting for my mom to deal me a […]
If your kids want a pet, lie
This week’s post-from-the-archives originally appeared in November 2009; it marked only the seventh time I hit publish. Vivian and William, of course, are now 7, and they still talk about getting a pet. They also talk about flying to the moon on a broomstick. My 5-year-old twins desperately want a pet. They’d love a cat, […]