A little fictional word play for you this Monday before Christmas. Enjoy! Dear Santa: I’m sorry I wasn’t naughty enough this year. I didn’t even get to the mall to do a little lap dance sit on your lap. I’m sure your endless shifts have made you sick of kids kicking you, asking you for […]
humor
Things You Shouldn't Teach Your Children
It’s time for Search Ironic Mom, when I take real search terms that have led people to my blog and answer them as though they were real questions. TODAY’S SEARCH IRONIC MOM: IRONIC MOM ANSWERS: If you’re looking for things not to teach your children, I’m your woman. Here are five things I don’t recommend […]
Thing 1 & Thing 2 Take Saint Paul
If you’re new to my blog, I’d like to introduce you to Thing 1 and Thing 2 (pictured above). They often serve as symbols of my seven-year-old twins, Vivian and William. Thing 1 and Thing 2 – the miniature stuffed versions – have embarked on an around-the-world tour called Thing 1 and Thing 2’s Excellent […]
Bizarre Book Pairings
I adore found humor. To me, there is little that amuses me more than finding humor in the ordinary, in something you know hundreds of people have walked by and have failed to see. My favorite found humor in Calgary used to be this sign, outside a strip mall a mere ten minute drive from […]
I'm Sending You Snail Mail
I’ve always been a letter writer. When I was 8, I started scribing letters about which boy I liked, and I sent them to my cousin who lived 800 miles away. Over the decade my cousin and I wrote to each other, the boys changed, but the rest of the letters stayed pretty much the […]
10 Junie B. Jones Titles That Were Rejected
Vivian, my 7-year-old daughter, is devouring chapter books. She’s been through the Rainbow Magic series, Jigsaw Jones, Ivy and Bean, and Judy Moody. And the infamous Junie B. Jones. Now that I’m pitching my own book, I’m thinking about rejections. So here are ten Junie B. Jones titles that likely would have been rejected by […]
The Quest for a Christmas Tree
On a Saturday in December long ago, my dad and I drove into Winnipeg in search of a Christmas tree. The temperature hovered around minus thirty, and the wind, unimpeded from Hudson Bay, whipped through the Manitoba prairie. Driving east on the Trans-Canada highway, I was hypnotized by the snow swirling across the highway, […]
How To Be a Santa-Failure in 9 Easy Steps
I can fail at Advent calendars. I can fail at gingerbread houses. I can also fail as Santa’s apprentice. In the past 24-hours, I’ve managed the latter quite easily. ** Preamble 1: My school hosts a Santa party for the children of staff members. The only requirement – besides showing up – is to bring […]
Beware of Playing Tag with Weapons
When Vivian and William were little, I was anti-gun and anti-fun, but I soon realized that there are plenty of legitimate ways for them to kill themselves that don’t require a locked up cabinet. Take yesterday. I was in a splendid mood. I had yet to embed a Lego figurine into the sole of my […]
MISSING: Thing 1 and Thing 2
Description: 3.5 inches tall, red all-in-one suits, blue Estelle Getty hair, names on outfit. Identifying Characteristics: permanent tangled hair due to washing machine incident Last Seen: October 31, 2011 at envelope at post office in San Francisco (following a non-stop party with Lizz from Am I a Funny Girl?) En Route To: Mike of The […]