I’m talking on the phone, ignoring my kids. They’re supposed to be getting ready for bed. Vivian, who is already clad in red fleece pajamas, is hanging out two inches from my face, trying to get my attention. “Hang on a sec,” I say to my friend. “Vivian,” I snap. “Go brush your teeth.” She […]
Hilarious Family Moments
Psycho Playground Adventure, Twin Style
Last weekend, in that bygone era of no snow, I took my kids to the playground. I mistakenly brought my book, thinking that I might be able to get some reading done. Wrong. When I wasn’t lifting Vivian up to the monkey bars, I was twirling William on the merry-go-round and ruining my suede boots […]
Learning To Skate: The Sniper Fire Theory
I don’t remember learning to skate; I just remember doing it. Like most rural Canadian kids, I could walk out the back door to a natural ice surface. By the time January rolled around, however, the snow was usually too heavy to clear. Instead, we’d head to the rink on Friday night for public skating. […]
How To Use Manners To Get What You Want
When William was a toddler, he mastered using manners to get what he wanted. He’d wander over, raise both of his hands like a referee signaling touchdown, and say, “May I please have some pick-me-up?” This phrase has become part of our family lore, one of those stories that our twins love hearing over and […]
Children, Skating, and Body Parts
Vivian and William are taking skating lessons, as in the beginner, I-can’t-stand-up kind. They may be the only 6-year-old Canadians who don’t know how to skate, which is rather embarrassing since both my husband and I are rather proficient on blades. I grew up on a farm that had two natural skating surfaces, a pond […]
Halloween, the Day-After: 5 New Terms
It’s the day after Halloween, so it’s time to listen to Christmas music. But before we suffer through Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I thought we may wish to add some new words to the Halloween lexicon. Here are my 5 suggestions for new Halloween terms: Hallowhiner: a parent who openly complains about this event, like […]
Is Croquet a Blood Sport?
I love our fenced backyard. It’s a regulation-size chicken coop for twins. Open the patio door, send them out, and pour a glass of wine make a cup of tea. Sometimes I look out the window; usually I tweet. When I’m vying for Parent-of-the-Year, I’ll crack open a screen door to add an extra sensory […]
A Parent's Resume
RESUME OF ANN E. PARENT OBJECTIVES Short Term: To survive until the children are asleep Long Term: To raise children who will support me when I’m senile EDUCATION Bachelors in Sleep Deprivation Masters in Marketing PhD in Conflict Resolution EXPERIENCE MANAGER delegated with some success to spouse networked extensively at playground, seeking out anyone who […]
Kids and Scissors: Weapons of Mass Destruction
William, who seems to have inherited my lack of finger dexterity, has taken an interest in cutting. I’d be excited if he was cutting paper. But he’s not. He’s cutting clothes. Here’s the conversation we had a week ago. “What happened to your shirt?” I asked, holding up his favorite back-to-school top. “I cut it.” […]
The Challenge of Raising Strong Girls
The challenge of raising strong girls is that they often try out their opinions on their mothers. Vivian is now six-years-old. By all accounts (or at least according to her teachers), she is turning out okay: kind, strong, and a leader. Most of the time, she composes heartfelt notes and detailed drawings. But there are […]