It’s Whiteboard Wednesday. If you missed last week, this means that I post one of the bizarre statements that came reeling out of my mouth over the past few days. Three weeks ago, my kids started taking music lessons. They practice on a keyboard which my husband bought for $100. If you’ve ever tried to […]
Hilarious Family Moments
Children, Swearing, and the Middle Finger
When I was young, I remember watching my older sister and mom bake a cake. I got into a fight with my sister and called her a bastard. My mom froze, beaters in hand, and said in a tone I rarely heard, “Where did you hear that?” “School,” I said, eyes downcast, tears threatening to […]
When Your Child's a Police Officer
Not every day starts with a ticket from the police, but yesterday did. In the five minutes called breakfast, I attempted to tweet and read the headlines without getting peanut butter smeared on my keyboard. Vivian, my six-year-old, wanted more attention than our ten minute morning snuggle afforded her. So after she had inhaled her […]
An Eerie Tale of Sleepwalking
My daughter sleepwalks occasionally. Of course, for all I know, she could be traversing our house nightly, entering the garage, and taking our loser cruiser for a spin, but I hear her only on occasion. On the nights I’m aware of her slumberous travels, her route is generally the same: she drifts into our room […]
When Kids Hate Movies
Our six-year-old twins are afraid of movies. Not let’s-cuddle-with-our-blankets scared, but full-on, we’d-sooner-lie-down-in-a-pit-of-snakes scared. This is why. First, we tried Ratatouille. Now, I love the crew at Pixar, but this is not a movie for kids; well, at least not for my kids. By the time the opening credits finished rolling, Remy was lost in […]
Why Parents Should Get Honorary Degrees
I think every parent of preschoolers should get an honorary degree. If celebrities from Orlando Bloom to Dolly Parton get bestowed with such honors, certainly parents deserve them too. Amongst other feats, moms and dads are continually marketing items. Observe a mealtime involving preschoolers: you’ll find parents pitching advertising copy for the toughest clients imaginable: […]
Simon Says Laugh at Your Kids
I’ve always thought the game Simon Says was boring. There are only so many times you can hear “Simon Says touch your toes” until you yearn to do something more exciting, like wash the dishes. But then I watched my husband play it with our kids. Imagine a comedian with a drill sergeant delivery, and […]
When Your Son Puts the Garden Hose down the Vent
I fully expect that someday my twins will co-author a book entitled How To Annoy Your Parents: A Step-by-Step Guide. Here is one potential anecdote, starring my six-year-old son, William. The sun is shining. I am doing something productive in the kitchen, like checking Facebook for messages from people who spoke two words to me […]
Toothpaste, Twins, and Coercion
It’s no secret I hate brushing my kids’ teeth. On top of all the other traumas associated with this nighttime ritual, we now have issues with toothpaste. I am tired of purchasing expensive, okay-to-swallow kid toothpaste, only to watch my son suck it out of the tube like it’s a Freezie. To rectify this problem, […]
Board Games: The Fast-Track To Family Conflict
Board games are an activity steeped in nostalgia. I remember playing marathon Cribbage games with my mom at the age of 6, running to my dad every hand so he could tell me what to discard. I remember playing Rumoli with my whole family during two-day rural power outages. I remember playing Scrabble with my […]