I am a big fan of using choice as a way to coerce kids into doing what I want them to do. I learned this early in my teaching career. I used to spout platitudes like, “You always have a choice, it just may not be a good choice,” but I got tired of hearing […]
Hilarious Family Moments
Guilt, Friends, and a Dirty Minivan
I hate giving people a ride in my minivan. It’s not that I dislike conversation or mind the inconvenience. It’s not even because I despise driving a loser cruiser. I’ve long since given up on image, be it vehicular or fashion. The reason I hate giving others a ride is because I’m embarrassed: Our van […]
To Buy a Pet, or Not To Buy a Pet
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my neighbour’s dining room performing a community service: neither she nor her husband drink red wine, so when they have some I drink it. Anyway, we were talking about pets. They’re planning to get one; we’re not. At least, I don’t think we are. My kids […]
Activities for Children of Lousy Parents
Let’s get things straight. I’m not a Martha Stewart mother, one of those women born to parent. I am neither willing nor able to build a replica of the Taj Mahal out of items from the recycling box. In recent weeks, I’ve felt compelled to do something slightly more interesting with my children on Sundays […]
A Parenting Dictionary: Importing British-isms
Sometimes I think North American English is limited, especially when it comes to parenting. So, I am suggesting we borrow some more British words. Let’s face it, English, the language we speak, already shares a root word with England. Why not just take a few more? Here then are some of my favourite British-isms. Imported […]
Parents Are Stupid: The Dissolution of Knowledge
Last Saturday, my daughter had severe stomach pain. Only semi-awake, she moaned and writhed, screaming when I touched her tummy, which felt like it was shored up by two-by-fours. I tried giving her 7-Up (too sweet), mashing an antacid and putting it in a teaspoon of jam (too gross), and cuddling (too confining). It reminded […]
Hair, Children, and the Homeless Look
Hair, Part 1: A Fluffy Puppy The other morning, I styled my hair with a weapon commonly referred to as a hair dryer. This is an event for me. I proceed downstairs to the next event of the morning: assembling lunches. It is at this point that my son walks through the kitchen, looks up […]
Kindergarten, Planets, and Fist Fights
It’s not often my five-year-old twins end up in fisticuffs. For this I am thankful. It’s not that my refereeing abilities suck; it’s that if fighting were commonplace I’d have to actively parent. The boxing matches have started the past three nights, after the good night tuck in. Evidently, William and Vivian, each surrounded by […]
International Women’s Day, Movies, and Barbie Dolls
It seems fitting that International Women’s Day comes the day after Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman to ever win an Oscar for Best Director. Yes, the glass ceiling momentarily shattered last night at the 82nd Academy Awards: one small step for the director of The Hurt Locker, one giant leap for women in film. […]
Bizarre Baby Names
It all started off innocently enough. William had brought home a school library book entitled, A Porcupine Named Fluffy. This is a picture book that we used to own, but my twins have a Bachelors of Loving Things To Death and a Masters in Destroying Anything Else. Given their two advanced degrees, I had recycled […]