On a Saturday in December long ago, my dad and I drove into Winnipeg in search of a Christmas tree. The temperature hovered around minus thirty, and the wind, unimpeded from Hudson Bay, whipped through the Manitoba prairie. Driving east on the Trans-Canada highway, I was hypnotized by the snow swirling across the highway, […]
Leanne Shirtliffe
How To Be a Santa-Failure in 9 Easy Steps
I can fail at Advent calendars. I can fail at gingerbread houses. I can also fail as Santa’s apprentice. In the past 24-hours, I’ve managed the latter quite easily. ** Preamble 1: My school hosts a Santa party for the children of staff members. The only requirement – besides showing up – is to bring […]
Beware of Playing Tag with Weapons
When Vivian and William were little, I was anti-gun and anti-fun, but I soon realized that there are plenty of legitimate ways for them to kill themselves that don’t require a locked up cabinet. Take yesterday. I was in a splendid mood. I had yet to embed a Lego figurine into the sole of my […]
MISSING: Thing 1 and Thing 2
Description: 3.5 inches tall, red all-in-one suits, blue Estelle Getty hair, names on outfit. Identifying Characteristics: permanent tangled hair due to washing machine incident Last Seen: October 31, 2011 at envelope at post office in San Francisco (following a non-stop party with Lizz from Am I a Funny Girl?) En Route To: Mike of The […]
A Twisted Guide to the Worst Toys of 2011
If you’re planning to purchase toys for some darling children this holiday season, you might want to look elsewhere because my annual list of toys-that-suck is here. Without further ado, I present the worst toys from Santa’s workshop, where quality control appears to have taken an extended vacation. A 365 day one. Toys That Assault […]
Stop! What's Your Sign?
I’m cheating. I posted this two years ago today, when my blog was a newborn, crying for attention from a small audience. ** Today is Married To a Scorpio Support Day. That makes me laugh. Is there a support group for people married to bulls? (I mean the astrological sign – not the animal or […]
Humor and Funny Stuff
I’ve been writing for Nickelodeon for the past six months. And now, at last, their new site is up. 9 Reasons Why You Should Go Check Out NickMom.com Your life is chaotic and you desperately need a laugh. (Sorry, I may have been projecting here). You want to see bizarre pictures with even more bizarre […]
Send Your Child Scavenging . . . in the Dictionary
Alternate Title: Messing with Your Child’s Mind It’s Saturday night. Vivian has discovered the dictionary. She wants words to look up. I suggest clever. She looks it up, reads the definition, and smiles. My husband suggests geek, which isn’t in there. He throws out its slightly more popular cousin, nerd. A few words later, Vivian […]
Haircut Horror Stories
Today, I have a humour column in the Neighbours’ section of The Calgary Herald. I somehow manage to time travel and make reference to both Miss Piggy and Edward Scissorhands, not in the same metaphor (I hope). Click the link below to read it. **Kids and the Chaos of Haircuts** What haircut horror stories have […]
When Kids Write Jokes
On Monday, Vivian and William went on a joke telling spree. Thankfully they seem to have slightly more talent in this department than their mother. After ten minutes of variations on the chicken-crossing-the-road joke, Vivian freestyled. VIVIAN: Why did the mommy cross the road? ME: VIVIAN: Close. Because she wanted to hug her children. ME: […]