When I was young, I remember watching my older sister and mom bake a cake. I got into a fight with my sister and called her a bastard. My mom froze, beaters in hand, and said in a tone I rarely heard, “Where did you hear that?” “School,” I said, eyes downcast, tears threatening to […]
parenting
When Your Child's a Police Officer
Not every day starts with a ticket from the police, but yesterday did. In the five minutes called breakfast, I attempted to tweet and read the headlines without getting peanut butter smeared on my keyboard. Vivian, my six-year-old, wanted more attention than our ten minute morning snuggle afforded her. So after she had inhaled her […]
When Your Son Puts the Garden Hose down the Vent
I fully expect that someday my twins will co-author a book entitled How To Annoy Your Parents: A Step-by-Step Guide. Here is one potential anecdote, starring my six-year-old son, William. The sun is shining. I am doing something productive in the kitchen, like checking Facebook for messages from people who spoke two words to me […]
Retro Parenting: 5 Fun Phrases Our Parents Used
The return of 1980s fashion, from Vuarnets and blue eye shadow to legwarmers, has got me thinking about retro. In particular, retro parenting. Recently, I’ve been uttering phrases that my parents and grandparents used to quip when my siblings or I misbehaved. They may no longer be fashionable, but they’re fun. Here are my five […]
5 Reasons I Hate Having Pneumonia
Reason 1: I don’t have enough breath to read my kids a story. My breath is coming back, but for 9 nights I couldn’t breathe out the simplest story. I’m not even talking some Dr. Seuss tale that tests the dexterity of the most limber tongue; I’m talking reading stories with the simplicity of Good […]
National That Sucks Day: a holiday designed for parents
Tomorrow is National That Sucks Day, a holiday created in honour of the day U.S. taxes are due, the day the Titanic sank, the anniversary of Lincoln’s assassination, and the day the first McDonald’s opened. But, ultimately, I believe National That Sucks Day is a day designed for parents. Here is an overview of a […]
Recovering Addicts, Celebrities, and Parenting
A strategy recovering addicts sometimes use when tempted to go back to their vice is “play the tape through to the end.” So if a recovering alcoholic is tempted to have “just a little sip” of bourbon, she needs to consciously go through what would happen as a result of her behaviour. In other words, […]
5 Reasons I Hate Crafts
I hate crafts. This is a problem given that my daughter is her own craft production factory. Thanks to her, we are first rate recyclers: paper, toilet paper rolls, and cereal boxes rotate from the craft table to the recycling bin with amazing fluidity. It might be cute if you’re a scrapbook person; if you’re […]
Sibling Rivalry, Friendship, and Twins
A frequent question I get asked is “Do your twins get along?” As with most twin questions, there is no truthful answer to this. If I’m annoyed, I say, “Sometimes.” If I’m in a rush, I say, “Yes.” And if I feel like chatting, I say, “Like an old married couple.” It might be a […]
Manipulation 101: The Illusion of Choice as a Disciplinary Technique
I am a big fan of using choice as a way to coerce kids into doing what I want them to do. I learned this early in my teaching career. I used to spout platitudes like, “You always have a choice, it just may not be a good choice,” but I got tired of hearing […]